disposition. | jack gilinsky

| Chapter 18 |

DISCLAIMER: Trigger warning for this chapter.

. . . . . . .

If you would've asked me a few months ago if I saw myself here, honestly? I'd be on the fence about it. The idea of ending it all seemed so easy. But when it comes to actually pursuing that? It's difficult. That's when you start thinking about anyone out there that could possibly still love you, what pain they would feel. But I think I've fucked that all up.

I'm sure that once my Aunt gets home tomorrow, she'll kill me for her house looking like this. She'll collaborate with my mother to figure out where they can ship me off to next so I could be someone else's burden. I haven't heard from either of my parents in weeks. The last time I spoke to my father, he wondered why I was calling and assumed I needed money. Then there's Taylor, my supposed best friend. He can fuck off for all I care. He was my last strand that I held onto for some type of sanity.

And Jack...

What was already going down a dark tunnel just got deeper in. We both hurt each other severely. Even though he had hurt me first, I still thought about him every single day, hour, minute, and second. If I wasn't, then I wouldn't have been so emotionally unstable. Usually I could control that but...I let him change me. He was beginning to bring back the parts of me that I used to love. Before him, I looked at myself as trash and I accepted that. Now I'm trash again. I feel trashed. And I'll probably always be trash. And maybe...it was time to take the trash out for good.

Maybe if I cut again, it'll all go away and I can start over. But that wasn't the case. No matter how many horizontal lines I sliced up my left arm, the pain was too massive. I stared at the pills and grabbed what remained of last night's beer. I'm not sure how much I took, I just poured the bag into my mouth and washed it down. I honestly wasn't sure if these would kill me or I'd fall into a coma. Anything but reality, it hurt entirely too much. I took out one of the heart clues I kept from Jack's scavenger hunt and wrote on the back of it.

I love you. I'm still with you. I'm sorry. x

It took a while until I felt like I transcended onto another plane. I wandered around the house, stumbling down the stairs and stepping over sleeping teenagers. I saw that Taylor left at my request and the pool area was empty. Soon I started to lose feeling in my legs, falling sideways into the pool. My wounded arm stung from the chlorine and it was hard to try and stay afloat, so I slowly fell to the pool's floor. It was peaceful down there. I heard music but it came from my own mind, slipping slowly out of consciousness. I closed my eyes and waited for the water to fill my lungs.

_________

I woke up...
Coughing up water...
And opened my eyes to the overcast grey skies...

Only this time, I wasn't on wet sand. I wasn't surrounded by lifeguards. And I wasn't laughing like everything was a joke.

Maisie had jumped in to get me. Her and Cousin Jack helped pull me out the water. She had performed CPR and tried to keep me conscious. Cousin Jack continuously tapped my cheeks.

"Come on, Imogen, stay with us," he pleaded.

I thought I had spoke, but I didn't. I tried again.

"Pills," I whispered.

"Pills?" Maisie repeated.

"Shit. Maisie go call 9-1-1, now," Cousin Jack commanded.

Maisie ran into the house while he rolled me onto my side. He stuck his fingers far down my throat until I gagged and threw up. Mostly liquid came up as I had barely eaten. Half of me fought to stay alive, the other half was encouraging myself to let go.