Quick Reads

A Page From My Journal

~~29th June 2020~~

It is a technical, empirical truth that sunflowers are associated with sunlight, warmth, happiness and a buzzing sense of newness. To set myself in a mould so unreachably unattainable is morally stupid and exhausting. Why did I set out to become the kind of person who is so altruistic, when I didn't have the strength to make it out till the end? In detailed observation I have successfully transformed myself as a happy-go-lucky-fella in hope to become someone's envy or an idol. I have become the crying shoulder and have always lend an ear to my closest and passing friends, giving them the perfectly crafted advice that they want to hear. Then why is that when I give myself wholly to someone, I don't get them back in the same degree? Why is it that I feel like people discard the debt of my kindness and think of it as charity? I require the same amount of care and attention, sometimes even to a level of getting spoilt from the people whom I chose to give everything. Give and take! I am a child, a living breathing product of this bitterness and discard who has lost its way and cannot feel like turning to anyone because in my limited pro-folic sense 'no one cares' and frankly speaking who would even want to hear my bull?

I know I see too many movies and read too many novels which are so pathetically untrue. I cannot aim to see those same emotions, conversations and feelings to be carried on with the same intensity in real life as they do in words. The thought of friending and befriending people is a lifelong process, but all those posts and messages about removing the 'toxic people' from your life, Ha! easier said than done. For one, how do you even know who these people really are? What kind of maturity do you need to reach to make such a distinction? 

I want a person who puts in the same effort as I put into my relations. Either I find people who try the same as me, or I stop trying to alternate between my 'cool' and 'uncool' personalities. I'll stick to one, the one I feel the truest, or the one who doesn't care about what other people will say or think, the one who is smart but does not try to overdo it by learning fun trivia to keep people in awe, the one who doesn't need to learn jokes to be funny, the one who doesn't need to think about topics of conversation to get into the elite groups, the one who doesn't need to have to watch all the movies and series in order to stay with the times, the one who shouldn't be there for people who won't be there for me. If the future me is reading this, I hope you have figured out who you really are and have learned to distinguish between the people who want to use you, the people who are there just for the fun and the people who are in it for the long run. Learn from the present me and realise that the ones who you don't seem to like at first turn out to be the best ones in the end. If you are as lost as ever even after all these years, you always knew the solution so maybe now is the time to start implementing it. 

Carpin' all em Diems!!

Laters.