Messing with Mess

Five

Natigil ako sa malalim na pag-iisip nung biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko.

From: Gabriel
Message: Please meet me up at mini forest after class. I miss you.

I weakly put my phone on my table and I feel my tears slowly pouring.

I miss Gabriel too.

It's been two weeks na umiiwas ako sa kanya. Lagi nya akong tinitext kung bakit di ko sya pinapansin at kung bakit ko sya iniiwasan. Minsan ay inaabangan nya pa ako sa labas ng classroom namin pero di nya ako malapitlapitan dahil nakikisabay ako sa mga kaklase ko.

I can feel his sadness. At minsan naiisip ko na mali ang ginagawa kong to. Bakit ko naman kasi iiwasan ang taong tinanggap ako kung sino ako? On behalf of my lousy look, he still choose to befriend with me.

Another beep caught my attention kaya binasa ko agad ang message.

From: Gabriel
Message: I will wait for you no matter how long you'll come.

Again, conscience consume my being. Bakit ko to nagawa sa kaibigan ko?

Yeah right. Because this is what Loki wants. This is what my boyfriend wants.

Pinagbabawalan ako ni Loki na makipag-usap pa ulit kay Gabriel. He told me how much he loathe Gabriel for the unknown reason. He just really hate Gabriel dahil daw maangas ito porket anak lang ng may-ari ng school.

Nung minsan sinuway ko si Loki. Pinuntahan ko ang locker ni Gabriel at nilagay dun ang paborito nyang blue berry cheesecake at yung paborito nyang ulam na kaldereta. Nahuli nya ako nun kaya hinablot nya sakin ang dalawang tupperware at tinapon ito sa malapit na garbage can tsaka ako kinaladkad sa liblib na parte ng school.

He scolded me and threatened me not to do it again. He was harsh and aggressive that time. But I endure his punishment that turns out to be a pleasure I should take for granted.

I like his touch, his kisses, and his sweet words. The way he carressed my body with his warm palm and with his expert hands, nawawala na lahat ng inhibitions ko.

I can feel how much he wanted to keep me. This is the first time na pinagdamot ako ng isang tao. As if I am a precious jewel na dapat iseal ng maayos upang hindi manakaw.

Call me stupid. But I just want to give myself a chance to be happy. I want to love and to be loved. Just this time, I want to be selfish. I want to choose the one I've been longing for years over the one who befriend with me.

I am not that heartless towards Gabriel. Dahil nasasaktan din ako. Nanghihinayang. Pero diba nga sabi nila, kapag nagmahal ka nagiging tanga ka. Sumusugal.

So why not take the risk?

The school alarm rang kaya napahinga ako ng malalim. I made up my mind. Kakausapin ko sya.

He is my bestfriend. And he deserves to know why I am being so distant to him. Ayoko na sugurin nya si Loki or sugurin sya ni Loki without knowing something.

Di na ako dumaan sa locker room at dumiretso na sa mini forest.

There, I saw the man who is patienly waiting fore. I can see how sad he is, how confused he is, and how lonely he is form here.  Magkasangga kami sa lahat ng oras nung magkaibigan kami. Tanggap nya ako at tanggap ko rin sya. We both understand our differences and know our similarities.

Unti unti akong lumapit sa kanya. Naramdaman nya ata ang presensya ko kaya lumingon sya at maluhaluhang tumingin sa akin.

Di ko hinayaan na lumapit pa sya sa akin kaya agad akong lumapit sa kanya.