This is love

FIVE

Jason’s point of view

I had never suffered from anxiety. Maybe a small and minor form before a school exam or when I was signed the dotted lines to JD headquarters, but it was nothing like what I have been experiencing since four-thirty this morning, before the sun rose and the birds chirped. It was an annoying itch that I couldn’t shift. It was a jittery feeling, a tingle along my skin and a burn in my chest. I was unrested from broken sleep until I couldn’t lie any longer. 

I pace the floors of our living room, rolling my neck and shaking my shoulders, trying to shift this twitchy feeling that had completely taken me prisoner. I had bit my nails to nubs, I had scrubbed my body until my arms and chest were red and scraped. I felt sick but couldn’t bring myself to eat, I was exhausted but couldn’t bring myself to sleep. This was horrendous and I couldn’t even think of how Frankie was feeling. 

I nursed my second cup of coffee on our back patio, overlooking the orange rising sun that was starting to appear and bring a bit of warmth to what seemed to be another grey day - in my head at least. 

“I thought you were up.” I hear her murmuring softly, padding out to join me in bare feet and strawberry printed pyjamas. I weakly pinch my lips into a halfhearted smile and hold one arm out, allowing her to wriggle under and perch onto my lap. Her head nestled beneath my chin, the sweet smell of her kiwi shampoo filling my nostrils, and she curls into me like a helpless child. “What are you doing?” 

“Couldn’t sleep.” I tell her. “You’re up early. You didn’t get to sleep until late.” 

She eventually dragged herself upstairs just after midnight and after a few soft kisses and pillowtalk, her eyes slowly closed. While I turned to sleep myself, it felt like I had closed my eyes for all of five minutes before I was woken with a cold sweat and heart palpitations. 

“I could say the same for you.” She says, her dainty fingers run along the crevices of my chest and dance along my collarbone, setting my skin ablaze and causing me chills at the same time. “Are you okay?” 

I wanted to laugh at her. She was hours away from a major operation, venturing into the absolute unknown and throwing herself into uncertainty, yet she was asking me about how I was feeling. Selfless was the only description I could label her. 

“Truthfully?” I mutter, grazing my fingers across her arm. “No.” 

She raises her head. 

I sighed. “Selfishly enough, no I’m not okay because I don’t like the unknown.” 

“It’s going to be okay.” She softly says. I hated the confidence she lacked when she described the situation as ‘its’ instead of ‘I’. It sent a dreaded feeling wave through me. “I thought you were the strong one out of the both of us. Can you imagine what the tabloids would say?” 

“Fuck the tabloids.” I grumble, nudging her shoulder with my nose and kissing her creamy skin. “How are you feeling?” 

She was quiet and that answered it for me. I squeeze her, burying my face into the curve of her neck and allowing myself to savour her sweet flowery smell from the night before shower. Her body weight instinctively leans against me, her hand finding its way to my hair and the tips of her fingers pressing to my scalp. I still couldn’t shift that heaviness laying on my chest as much as I tried to grab that deep breath I was longing for. 

“We’re going to be okay, aren’t we?” She quietly whispers and the curiosity of her question made me raise my head. When Frankie avoided my gaze, the harsh reality of her internal thoughts were confirmed.