Red Vs. Blue (New Version)

Trying

LEO
     Thankfully, Raph left the lair and hasn't been back. It's been about a week. Donnie checked in with him daily to make sure he was okay.  This was the longest any one of us had been away.
Alex was healing well. Her pain was lessening and she was out of bed more often. My bed. Sadly, I slept on the couch. Slowly, she seemed to be opening up to me. She didn't shy away from me anymore and she started acting like her old self.
      Then I noticed that all change.  She started to get quiet and/or agitated.  I advised her to meditate hoping that would calm her mind, but it didn't help. And she wasn't healthy enough to exercise, so she stayed in bed a lot, writing in her journal.  I started to get worried about her when I found her crying one day.  She was in my bed, curled up, facing the wall. 
      "Alex?"  I asked, going to her side in an instant. "Are you okay?  What's wrong?"
      She whimpered and then began sobbing.  All I could think was maybe she missed Raph. 
      "Alex..." I began slowly stroking her shaking back.
      "I don't know what's wrong with me," she began. "I can't remember anything!  Nothing at all!  The last thing I remember was Raph and I..."
      I could fill in the blanks on that one.
     "It's okay, Alex. It's going to take some time."  She turned to me so I could see her grief stricken face.
      "You love me," she began. "And I can't remember falling in love with you."  She coughed sobs. 
      I didn't know what to say.
      "I want to remember," she said, reaching for my face.  "Please, help me remember."  I swallowed.  Does she mean what I think she means?  She leaned forward slowly and kissed me on the lips.  I tried to refrain from smashing my lips against her.  I had to be careful with her.  Her tongue ran across my bottom lip and I opened my mouth to accept her tongue.  My god, I had missed this.  I grunted as I pulled her onto my lap, my hardon pressing into her.  I wanted her to see what she did to me.  I slid my hand down her ass into her shorts, massaging her ass and pulling her to me at the same time.  I kissed her neck, sucking on it. That spot that drove her crazy. 
      "You know my body so well," she whispered.
      "That's because I love it - I love you," I said before taking her mouth again.  She started to fumble with my gear and belt so I picked her up and placed her back down on the bed so I could remove everything.  Once my pants were off, she knelt in front of me and took my cock in her mouth.  Wow, this is fucking amazing.  She's never done this before. Did she do this with Raph? I had to pull her off me cause I wanted to cum so bad.  On the bed, she quickly slid her shorts and panties off and lay on her back, baring herself to me, waiting for me... I stroked myself twice before climbing on top of her and guiding myself in.  Her back arched as she gasped and I groaned as I slid all the way in. 
      "You feel so good," she said, almost surprised before moving her hips in sync with mine, fucking me back.  That was my girl.  I moved in and out of her, trying to refrain from fucking her brains out. Going slow was driving me mad, making me want her even more.
      I was so close and so was she.  I knew exactly what to do to make her cum.  
       All I had to do was tell her, "Cum for me, Alex, cum for me."  And she came undone.  I followed immediately. 
      I lay on top of her, gasping for breath, holding most of my weight on my forearms so I didn't crush her.  I pulled back to kiss her and look at her and she was crying. 
      "I can't remember," she said to me, looking almost devastated. 
      A tear slipped from my eyes too.  I sighed and looked away from her.  She stroked my face and I looked back at her.  "I still love you."
"Leo, I can't remember anything, but I felt.... something...". I held my breath for a moment. She might not remember, but maybe she could fall in love with me again.

ALEXIS
I felt so bad for Leo. He looked so helpless, watching me cry. I could see they were all telling me the truth: Leo loved me. I could see it in his eyes and I could feel it when he touched me. I especially felt it when he was inside me. It made me feel so guilty. No matter how I tried I couldn't remember anything.   Sex with him was wonderful and sexy and loving.  I didn't regret it at all, but I felt like I was cheating on Raph.  But I couldn't deny that I felt something for Leo. His love for me made me feel love for him, in a way.
Aside from this stress, I couldn't remember the ordeal I went through.  All I knew was that Shredder kidnapped me to get to them and that I had scars and bruises all over my body from it. Physical recovery wasn't fun, but maybe it would be worse if I could remember what happened? The mental anguish I was going through was worse. Raph has been gone for weeks. Donnie told me he had been in touch and he was fine, but that's all he would say.
The nightmares were another thing I was dealing with; dreams of being tortured and Raph being taken away from me, sometimes also tortured or killed. Between my faded memories and the nightmares, I didn't know what was real anymore... besides my guilt.
Leo slept next to me on the floor, giving me space but also staying close to comfort me. I'd wake up crying and I'd find him holding me. It was so nice and comforting and I could see why I fell in love with him, but I still missed Raph and I could tell Leo knew and it broke his heart.
One night after a nightmare, I decided I had had enough. I spent the weeks thinking about it, fantasizing about it, planning it... I was going to leave. I was causing them and myself too much pain. There were a few things I could do. I could just leave, but they would follow me. I could run away, but they would find me. I could... kill myself... and there was nothing they could do about it. They'd get over me and the Shredder would have no power over them. Leo and Raph would repair their relationship. And my nightmares and guilt would end. It was a win win, even though they would be sad at first, they'd be fine. They were young enough... they had their lives to forget about me.
So I wrote Raph and Leo letters.

Leo, I don't know how to start this letter. But one phrase repeats itself in my head constantly: I am so sorry. I am so sorry I can't remember falling in love with you. I'm so sorry I can't remember us. All I can say is thank you for everything. Thank you for loving me. If it helps you at all, I could never doubt your love for me. I'm so sorry, but this is the only way I can help both of us. I feel so terrible that I can't remember loving the one person who has been there for me and loved me unconditionally.
Alex

Raphael, my love, I'm not sure how you feel about me. You say you don't love me anymore. But I still love you. I can't help it. I'm sorry I'm leaving you with that. No. Never mind. I'm not sorry. I have nothing left to give now but my love. Thank you for all the memories I do have. I cherish them, up til the end. Please don't feel guilty. This is my choice. I love you, Raphael. I always have.
I'll see you later,
Love, Alex xoxo

      I waited til I heard Leo snoring gently before I snuck out of bed.  I grabbed one of his small knives from above his bed and tiptoed out of his room and out of his life.

      LEO
      I woke up early, as usual, to train before my brothers.  But something didn't feel right.  I looked over to my bed to check on Alex and she was gone.  The bed was made and there was a note addressed to me on the pillow.  My heart sank and I began to panic.  I tore the note open and read it.  NO NO NO!!!!!  I looked up at my swords and my knife was gone.  Shit.  She was going to kill her self... or she already did...  I flew to Donnies room and woke him up.
      "DONNIE WAKE UP ALEX IS GONE SHES GOING TO KILL HERSELF!"  I yelled without separating my sentences.  Donnie flew out of bed.  "CALL RAPH!  TELL HIM TO GO TO HER PLACE!!!  SHE'S GOT MY KNIFE!!!
     Donnie said okay and immediately got on the radio.  "Raph!!!! Come in!! It's an emergency!!!!!"

RAPH
     "Jeez, Donnie, way to blow out my eardrum, what's going on?"
      "Go to Alex's place NOW!"
      My heart rate sped up.  "Why?  What's wrong?"
     "She's going to kill her self," he said.
      I couldn't believe what he said and asked him to repeat it.  No way did he say that.  But he said it again and my biggest fear, that I never knew I had, was coming true.
      I raced to her apartment, not caring it was daylight and anyone could see me.  Her window was locked, but I easily broke the glass and jumped in.  I found her lying in her bathtub, wrists slit.  My heart stopped.  I grabbed her and pulled her out, feeling for a pulse.  She had one.  It was faint but it was there.  I ripped my bandages off and tied them around her wrists, hands shaking.  I called my brothers on the radio and told them I found her and she was barely alive.  Donnie asked if I needed help bringing her back to his lab and I said no, I'd be there ASAP.  As I gently but swiftly scooped her up in my arms, I saw a note with my name on it.  I grabbed it and ran.
      I ran into the lab, my brothers following, in their own stages of grief.  Mikey was quiet.  Leo was shaking and Donnie was calm but upset.  Donnie happened to have a bag of blood that was her type and he began the IV.  He kept bags of all our blood types for a situation like this... well not like this.
      "I need room to work!  Everybody out!"  Donnie yelled.  He unwrapped one of her wrists and began to stitch it up.  Leo stood his ground and I had to pull him out. 
      "Leo, c'mon, let Donnie work. She's gonna be okay," I said, not sure if this was a lie or not.  He reluctantly backed out of the room and we all went to the main room and sat on the couches. 
     "She left me a note," Leo said, letting that phrase hang in the air as he stared at the ground and began to cry.
     It reminded me she wrote me a note too. I took it out of my pocket and read it.  I began to cry too.  What had we done to this woman.  Our love tortured her.  And she still loved me.