Liam

Chapter 36

The next day we are hanging out at his house, and it's lunch time. I"m back on a meal plan, and he knows it. He finally convinces me and for once I end up eating everything. I told him the night of the party that I had been able to enjoy the refreshments, and that I had a lot of fun. Bullshit. Anyway, I finish a bowl of pasta, and a slice of garlic bread, and I feel awful. But, I keep eating. I don't know why. I'm not hungry. I end up having a few cookies, chips, popcorn. Liam doesn't say anything, but just joins me. Everything hurts Mentally, physically, everything. When I finally tell him I'm done, we go downstairs to watch a movie, and we start cuddling, but my stomach hurts to bad that I have to roll over and lay on my stomach.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom," I say, and he nods.

I walk into the bathroom, and decide to go to the one upstairs, as the downstairs one is infested with spiders and centipedes. Gross. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel so full. I lay on the floor for a few minutes. I wish I would just throw up already and get it over with. That is when I decide what I'm going to do. Wetting my fingers down, I stick them down my throat. At first all I do is dry heave, but eventually I get something up. I don't feel great, but I feel better than before. I then wash everything up and rinse out my mouth with water. Turning off the lights, I open the door to find I am face to face with LIam. I can tell he knows what I did.

"What the hell Kelis, I thought you were better,'

"Yah, well that's what everyone thinks. You have the same hero complex going on as everyone else in my life does right now,"

'What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means all you want to do is fix me. Whenever I eat something in front of you or my dad, or my dietitian they act so proud. And, then if I can eat in front of them, and say the right things, then they're satisfied, because that means they fixed me. I'm no longer their problem, and they can move on to thinking about the next biggest stress in their life.

"I never wanted to fix you. I just want to help you. You don't deserve this Kelsi, and I just don't know how to help. You are strong enough to do this. I know you are, but you have to be honest with people,"

"I don't know how," I whisper, tears stinging. I hate crying in front of Liam.

"How about this. You let me talk to your parents tonight. I'll explain everything. You don't even have to be there if you don't want to."

I nod.

"This time it will be different. We will do everything together. I'll be there every step of the way,"

I nod again, and he holds my hand the entire car ride home

Everything goes much faster than expected, and the very next day, I am already restarting. starting an outpatient treatment, this time with a different dietitian thank god,I don't know exactly what Liam said to my dad last night, but he convinced him to let Liam go with us for support. This meeting goes way different than any I have ever had before. We start by identifying some of my triggers that cause me to want to do this. Digging deep I am able to think of a few triggers including stress, looking at my body, etc etc. While we find a way to manage that, she has me make a list of fear foods. It probably would have been shorter to make a list of foods that I wasn't afraid of honestly.

The list took about two pages, and that is just what I can think of off the top of my head. So, we made a deal. Liam would go running with me everyday, so I could reduce my anxiety and deal with some of the urges to do other things to get rid of the calories, and I would try one fear food per day. It was a compromise I was willing to take. Finally my dad would have to let me go running without constantly questioning me.

It started that very day. Here was the other catch. Liam got to choose my fear food. First up today was a piece of buttered toast. Scary for so many reasons. White bread, carbs, and unnecessary calories wasted on butter. Liam and I both sat down at the table with our pieces of toast. Liam seemed to inhale is, while I took several careful, tiny bites. My mind raced, but I had to remind myself why I was doing this. As soon as I was done, I had to get up and move. I wanted to just get rid of it so bad, throw it up, but I knew I couldn't.

"Alright let's go,"

"Right now?" asked liam motioning toward our clothes. We were both wearing a t-shirt and jeans.

"Yep," I reply, and I start jogging out the door. He follows, not far behind. He was fast, but didn't have as much endurance as I did, and after about two miles, he was done, so I turned around with him. I felt a little better, although, everytime I let my mind wander, it somehow ended up thinking about that piece of buttered toast.

The next day wasn't any easier. We had cheese omelets for breakfast. Eggs weren't the problem. The cheese was though. I watched as the stringy, fat, substance went into my mouth and down my throat. I swallowed reluctantly. This time, Liam was able to make it three miles. We both went back to his house, exhausted and sweaty, falling asleep on his couch. Eventually, we woke up around 5:00 p.m. and I had to get home for dinner, so Liam gave me a ride.

But, that night, the binging urges were back and stronger than ever, and I did it. Yet again. I slunk into the kitchen that night, wanting to eat anything and everything. I started out with a bag of cheese-puffs, a microwave burrito, a cookie, a cheese quesadilla. By this point I was stuffed, but I couldn't stop. I had fruit snacks, candy, and a yogurt. I still wanted to eat everything, but I felt so uncomfortable and full that I couldn't even stand. I know it doesn't make any sense. The fact that eating one piece of toast was so hard for me, then I turn around and do this. But when I'm binging, it's like I'm not even in my own body. I don't have to feel the fear for the span of about twenty minutes, but it doesn't last long. I hide all the rappers in the bottom of the trash, and I waddle back up stairs in tears. I go to the bathroom, grab my toothbrush, and sit there by the toilet, contemplating what to do. Again I was torn between the two voices in my head. I checked the time. It was 1:00 a.m.

I grab my phone and text Liam.

"U up?"

"Ya"

'Can we talk?"

After I texted that, my phone rang.

"Hello"

"What's up Wilson?" he said sleepily. I wonder if he was really up, or if I had woken him up with my text. I feel bad now.

"It just happened Liam. I don't know what to do. I ate so much and I feel awful and full. I'm probably going to gain 10 pounds, and I just want to get rid of it,"

"OK calm down. It's Ok. Here's what we are going to do. Go get in bed and then facetime me. Then we'll both get on netflix and start the office at the same time. That way we'll be together, and we can distract you,"

"Liam I don't know..."

"Come on, let's just try it,"he said. So that's what I did. I crawled into my bed, transferred our call to facetime, and turned on the office. What I really wanted right now was for Liam to be rubbing my back again, but as I watched him lay in bed as he watched the office, I was grateful. Before the first episode was over, I had fallen asleep. I wake up the next day, and I wake up to a text. "FYI, you look beautiful when you sleep;)"

The bad memories of the night before came flooding back, but so did the picture of Liam's sleepy face and bed hair watching the office.