One Question

Chapter Five - Last Minute Plans

It was graduation before Naomi saw or heard from Phi again. It wasn't a huge surprise—graduation was the Friday of finals week, so only two days after Naomi gave Phi the letter. But by now Naomi's nerves were on high, and in those two days, without much else to occupy her mind other than the continued silence of her two best friends, her thoughts had spun through many different phases and moods.

First she was confident, then a little nervous, then angry at herself for doubting Phi, then sure that Phi didn't like letters and hadn't read it, then thought Phi had read it but decided not to respond and rather avoid Naomi until school was over and they never had to see each other again, so then Naomi felt sad, and then she thought it was inevitable and felt pathetic, and then came to terms with it and decided to forget Phi, because if Phi didn't really want to be friends, she didn't either, and then she felt sad again.

Now that it was graduation, the emotions had mostly passed. She felt numb, though a little nervous knowing she would see Phi that day, whether they talked or not. Sadness, anger, and any other emotions had been replaced only with embarrassment. She hadn't told Andrew yet that her very adult bravery had come to nothing and someone she'd been excited about was not equally excited about her.

It really didn't help that a lot of graduation was waiting. Everyone showed up in the morning for a walkthrough, which was bad enough. Naomi was near the beginning of the alphabet and Phi the mid-end, so she never ran into her, but that didn't stop her from jumping everytime she thought she heard her name.

Morning came and went without seeing Phi, and then it was lunch time and putting on her favorite dress, ironing her graduation gown, putting some makeup on, and walking back to the school.

There was a crowd by the front entrance, people taking pictures, and Naomi ran into Hana and Lorelai. They took a picture together, all three of them smiling and chatting and reminiscing. For a moment the distance was gone, but the moment she stepped away it came back.

She found herself looking for Phi's face in the crowd but never found it. She couldn't tell if she was more disappointed or relieved.

Everyone funneled into the building, and Naomi waited awkwardly for another hour. The hallway was buzzing with excitement, goodbyes, and comments on people's graduation caps, many of which were decorated with future colleges. Naomi's was blank. Her plan was still to go to Boulder with Andrew, but not for another year after graduation, and if she was being honest with herself, she wasn't all that excited about it either. Not enough to put something on her cap.

Finally, the whole thing began. More waiting in the hallway. Walking up the aisle to her seat. Sitting. Finding her parents' faces in the crowd. Listening to speeches. Waiting for her named to be called, and walking up and getting her diploma, and then sitting back down and tapping her foot, knowing Phi would show up eventually.

And then she did.

Phi was wearing light-colored heels, her hair was curled to frame her face, and she looked radiant. Noami felt more distant than ever seeing her walk across the stage, smile to some unknown audience, and walk down the aisle to her seat. Even when Phi passed her row, it felt as if she were miles away, or in the least, some barrier was between them—some line that had to be crossed, but could not be. Naomi wondered how she'd ever felt close to her, how only two days ago they'd been sitting across from each other in a crepe shop, discussing the absurdity of certain animals, like anteaters and jellyfish, and that Naomi in the end had driven her home and had the guts to hand her a letter, not proclaiming her undying love, but at least proclaiming her desire for friendship. Distance then had seemed nonexistent, and now it seemed uncrossable. It was not the same distance she felt with Lorelai and Hana, she thought—it was a distance without the security of a history.