Give love a try. [Chyan]

1. Pining

Chad was sat at his desk, far from this world, head rested on his hand as he gazed at Ryan. He spent way to much of his time looking at or thinking about Ryan, and his bright blue eyes and shining gold hair and Chad's heart would skip a beat every time he glanced in his direction.

Ryan plagued his mind and it was distressing, Chad knew there was nothing wrong with finding men attractive, he always had, but then he used to have those same feelings for women. Chad remembered still having those feelings for Taylor until they broke up, maybe some time before that, around the time he started to notice Ryan more and by notice he meant zoning in on him whenever they were in the same room. It almost irritated him how aware of Ryan he was, he could pinpoint the boy in a crowd. It felt as if he was right next to him, smiling and giggling at something Kelsi said before going back to his work, the same work Chad was supposed to be doing, oh how Chad wished he was apart of that conversation, how he wished he was the one to cause that smile, that laugh, oh how he wished he was the one Ryan's eyes lit up at the sight of.

The announcement that class had ended wasn't enough to bring Chad out of his daze, neither was the bell signalling that lunch had begun, only when Troy had banged on his table lightly was he startled out his hazy blond filled day dream, "dude, where has your head been. You were out of it the entire class, anyway it's lunch." Troy spoke with his usual boyish grin spread across his face. Troy confused Chad, he knew Troy is attractive, all the attention he got from girls was evidence enough of that and yet, Chad didn't find himself feeling the urge to take him in the way he did with Ryan, to commit every smile of his to memory the way he did with Ryan. In fact he didn't feel that for anyone but Ryan, even Taylor didn't draw his eye the way she used to, it confused Chad. He couldn't be gay, Taylor made him feel a lot of things when they were together and desire was one of them and yet, now he wouldn't even bat an eyelash at the girl's appearance, not getting the same feeling he did before. He didn't feel the urge to roam her body with his eyes the way he used to.

Chad knew he wasn't gay, he found women attractive too, when Ryan wasn't in the forefront of his mind, which was always, now that the blond had taken a permanent residence in his mind, there had to be a name for this, a name for finding only one person desirable and Ryansexual sounded ridiculous. Chad wished it was simpler, easier, less confusing, 'why does he have to be so distracting?' He thought to himself, irritated that once again, his mind drifted back to the beauty that is Ryan, his slightly curling hair, almost turquoise blue eyes, those adorable flat caps he loves to wear, his- "Chad! Come on man, you're doing it again. You really need to get your daydreaming under control." Troy had been trying to get his attention for a while during their walk to their lockers. Chad hadn't heard a single word he had said, far too consumed by his thoughts of his sexual ambiguity and Ryan, always Ryan. "I'm sorry, I was lost in thought." He apologised, smiling sheepishly at his friend, embarrassed to have been so lost to the world again, "yeah, I gathered that much. Come on, food time." Troy joked in response and led the way to the cafeteria, Chad kept his head down, he knew if he looked up his eyes would scout out Ryan and he'd be done for the half an hour they had for lunch.

Once seated Chad chanced a glance in Ryan's direction only to be met with those turquoise blue eyes, only for a second before he snapped down to his food, heat slowly flooding into his face, barely concealed by his complection but thankfully unnoticed by his teammates, at least he assumed so, who were too busy talking about basketball as they had practice that afternoon. He was not excited, Chad loved basketball, he knew that and so did everyone else but lately his head had not been in the game and Coach Bolton was starting to become frustrated with him and Chad understood, he was frustrated too, the last two practices were a mess and it was really starting to weigh on him, all of it was starting to weigh in him. So much had happened so quickly in his life and it felt like a whirlwind of events. Halfway through the previous year up till then had been a total shitshow in Chad's opinion, from losing his dad to moving to a smaller house now that it was just him and his mother, grieving, spending their first Christmas without him, having to crawl his gpa back up to an acceptable level all while falling apart inside and dealing with his break up with Taylor, at the time he wasn't sure why Taylor had broken up with him, until he realised he forgot all about her at the sight of Ryan that Monday morning during homeroom in his tight white pants and flat cap. 'Ryan again. I need to stop.' he thought while stabbing at his lunch frustrated with his inability to keep a straight train of thought.

It was then that he felt eyes on him and looked up to see all his teammates were staring at him, confused, "You good over there?" Zeke asked, mildly concerned about Chad, he had been for a while, and now he was aggressively murdering his chicken salad, having fully ignored his sandwich, which was unlike Chad, who would usually go for the sandwich first and then the rest of his food. He shook his head and forced a small smile on his face, "don't worry about it. I'm fine." He told them, it seemed to be enough for the others who nodded and went back to their conversations, Zeke eyed Chad suspiciously for a moment before going back to his food, he knew Chad was lying, it was written all over him, the others might not see it but Zeke could and he would get to the bottom of it and help Chad, for his well being as well as the team's. He could see that whatever was on his mind was really bothering him and Zeke wanted to help. So he would.

Hello all, I will be keeping the author's notes to a minimum as I myself don't like them. I just want to say that this will be my first published story and I'm sorry if it seems to be a bit slow at first, and that the chapters feel a bit short, I feel this one was short but it was just an introduction into Chad's current mental state as well as a bit of exposition of what his life is like, and the trouble he's having that he is hiding behind forced smiles.  Anyway constructive criticism is very welcome and very much appreciated, and if any of you have any advice you'd like to share please do so.

Published: 10-07-2020