BOOK/CHAPTER REVIEWS [CLOSED FOR CATCHUP]

Review XX: Zanilla

heartofemotion

Rating: A-.

The first thing I liked was the character introductions of Zanilla and her cousin, Nina. Very good, brief characterization on your part. Also, awesome hook at the end of the prologue. Nothing like a mysterious massacre to keep the reader reading. You are good at hooks at the end of chapters, because I also enjoyed the hook at the end of the first chapter. I also enjoy the imagery and the history of the forest. It really sets us down.

That being said, it wouldn't be a bad idea to mention how far away or so the forest is from the manor, and if the forest is taken into so much consideration with the imagery and her thoughts on it it should appear later in the story.

Something I didn't quite like was all the character introductions in such a short period. So many names introduced all at once. It's somewhat difficult to keep track of everyone, but it isn't all that bad. We meet Zanilla, and her cousin, their two maids, hear her parents' names, and the personal guard, and that's just in the prologue. Just something to think about.

So fun fact I learned recently: Towards, forwards, outwards, and the like are all incorrect in their grammar. It is supposed to be toward, forward, and outward and the like. The more you know.

It seems a tad bit strange that Chu Feng would allow her to go back to the manor, let alone see her mutilated parents. If I were her personal guard, I wouldn't want her to see that shit. Fuck that, and I definitely wouldn't bring her back there, considering how dangerous it still could be.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to mention how warm or cold the bodies are, to give the readers a sense of time in which this happened.

Okay, enough preferences. Let's get down to the gritty details.

While I think you did a good job with the gore and how the death of her parents make her feel, I would think it would be important to go into the most utterly disturbing details and imagery about this gore. Make us vomit. Hurt our memories and minds. And then, after that, I want you to be consistent with how seeing her parents like that make her feel. Based on her character, I assume it would make her extremely furious and vengeful. But, it is also important to remember the five stages of grief, because you might want to implement this.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

While you can have anger be one of the largest and longest stages, it is important to have all of these in as well.

And if you plan to have Zanilla go on a vengeful mission, make sure not to have her be a doormat. This means that, despite you having said you love love triangles in your bio, don't make her drool over two guys. I trust you wouldn't make this mistake, though. Maybe a subtle triangle would be best.

All in all, it's a good prologue and first chapter. While you could be a little more specific about time period, reader inference on this would suffice. Your characters are your strongest point I think, and it shows.

I hope you liked this review and found it helpful.

Good luck with your story and I hope you keep writing!