BOOK/CHAPTER REVIEWS [CLOSED FOR CATCHUP]

Review XXVII: To Unite a Nation

Foodestroyer

Rating: B

Here's some things I liked: I did enjoy the general flow of storytelling and the professor's character introducing the story. It added some good qualities to the narrative, including a little bit of comedy and even some tension with his emphasis on the rarity of such powers. Furthermore, I like Skylar's character. She is tough, straight to the point, and doesn't bother or understand frivolous things. She thinks and acts like a disciplined soldier, which is good. She also has an element of naivete in her, which is good as well, and I hope this comes to her as some sort of challenge or revelation. Do whatever you want with your character flaws but please do something with them, if you know what I mean.

As per usual

I really wish there was some more imagery.

I feel like I shouldn't have to explain why imagery is so important to put in your stories and writing, and I have explained in past reviews, so I'm not gonna repeat the same mantra I have been repeating for a while when it comes to imagery. However, while I know not every scene is created equal when it comes to imagery, as some will need more than others, I do know that even just a mention of some details (a whiff of a scent, the smoothness of a touch, the vibrancy of a dress, etc.) can greatly improve scenes and help ground the reader into the story better. Imagery makes scenes come alive instead of just being black words on a white page (or white words on a black page for my dark themed wattpad users out there). And then, beyond ALL of this, you have this whole entire world full of its own distinct arts and culture and foods and peoples and they need to be represented and shown through the imagery! We're not reading fantasy for its romance or war (while both may be interesting) we're mostly reading for the unique world you have given us. Otherwise, why wouldn't you just write it in today's real world?

Which brings me to my next point. 

While there were mentions of tea, plaid shirts, modern day titles (professor), baseball bats, and other modern day items and ideas, there were also mentions of deities and other mythological/out of our world ideas. This includes the powers, Oriana, polytheism (displayed in a European style setting judging by the castle page) and even the name of the damn place! Erelandia!

I have a problem with this.

Why? Because if this is high fantasy and not low fantasy (please look up if you don't know), then there wouldn't be any mentions of things like baseball bats, sprinklers, or lasagna. This is a common mistake while writing fantasy and when writing fantasy it's ironic that we're limited when it comes to figurative language since our imaginations can literally come up with anything in regard to world building to compensate. Please fix these little errors, as they distance the reader from getting fully engaged in the narrative. Also, a heads up that gunpowder mechanisms first start as cannons and large barrels due to the poor quality of early gunpowder and the lack of technology and knowledge of the science thereof. And, since these are rebels and social class inferiors, I heavily doubt they would have the scientific and technological genius to improve the state of gunpowder and the design of weapons. You can just brush that off since basically no one in wattpad gives a shit and is only involved in reading YA erotica stories when they have a bad day, but I would recommend you look into all these details to improve your craft, research before writing, and general world.

In the next chapters I hope you introduce the battle magic a bit more. While you did mention how the spells worked in percentage ways, it would be interesting to see more.

Let me quickly ramble about your world. I'm gonna be brutal here because I don't particularly like sugar coating things. it's very undeveloped, except for the magic system and battle tactics as mentioned by Skylar. However, even this part is undeveloped. Why? Because the rebels, with few guns and many numbers, as well as the fact that they're facing magic users, wouldn't use conventional tactics. Either this, or they would learn that due to their significant losses in head on battles. In reality, they would use hit and run/guerrilla tactics as they can better utilize their numbers, the home-field terrain advantage, their shortage of weaponry, and other factors like traps and psychological warfare. This is always used when you're facing an enemy that is stronger and more technologically advanced than you are, and also when you have the familiar terrain advantage. This was used by indigenous tribes in the Americas when facing European colonization, the Zulus against Great Britain and the Boers,  and Vietnam against the United States military in the 60s. There are countless examples, but all of them share that theme and idea in common.

Furthermore, your world doesn't quite define whether or not it is high fantasy or low fantasy. By this I mean, is it a fantasy world in its own, or our world with fantasy elements? A good example of each is Lord of the Rings (high) vs. Harry Potter (low). If it is low fantasy, then you're going to have to, through some method, come up or show some really good explanation as to why Erelandia, magical powers, and lasagna exist in the same world. If it is high fantasy, aka it's own world, then you're using our world's elements like baseball, sprinkler systems, plaid clothing, and gunpowder weaponry as a crutch for the lack of original world building. While that may be brutal and vicious for me to say, it's the truth, and I hope the truth serves you well.

Beyond those points, I enjoyed reading your prologue and chapter! I thought for the aspects of character and general writing, you did a good job, but for the aspects of imagery and world building you will need to improve upon in there.

Good luck with your book and I hope you keep writing! Good job and I wish you success in your endeavors.