Ain't Nobody Like You

Chapter Forty-Five

I can't believe I just said that. 

That wasn't how I wanted to do this. I was going to ease him into the idea, take it slow. That was not slow. I've blown this already. Me and my stupid mouth. 

But it's too late. I can't take back what I said...and I don't think I want to anyways.

"Ha!" Marshall chuckles, "Good one."

He thinks I'm joking. Of course he does. I almost wish I was too.

His humored expression slips away once he sees I'm not laughing with him and his eyes widen in shock- horror even, "Woah. You're serious."

"Yeah...I'm getting way ahead of myself though. I wanted to do this totally different." I step out of his embrace to look at him better, "I don't mean we should right now, okay? But someday, like years from now when the time is right, when we..." I trail off, not wanting to bring up the idea of marriage or anything else on top of this too. But I'm not even sure if he's listening to me anyways as he looks away from me. I keep going, though slightly more discouraged now, "I just thought it was time we talked about this kind of stuff. And everything else that we want for our future together too."

He takes a moment before responding.

"Look, Katie," His eyes connect with mine again, and I can tell what he's about to say will change everything. He looks like he's choosing his words carefully, trying so hard not to hurt my feelings. "I been focusing on my music right now, the family I already got. You. Honestly, I haven't given all that much thought yet, you know. And I'm not sure, I mean, it's not something I been plannin' on. Right now, it's not something I even want. You understand?" 

No. No I don't. 

Maybe I can understand him not wanting more since he's already a parent. But I'm not. Being a Mom is one of the few things I actually wanted to achieve in my life. I never intended to get famous or win awards and break records. That has all just been an incredible bonus. I only ever wanted to make a life for myself doing what I love. To start a family of my own. To be happy.

And I have everything- and more- I ever wanted but there's still that one thing missing.

I think about all I have already. My incredible career. My wonderful friends, there for me through everything. The amazing relationship I have with Lannie and Hailie and being part of their lives, however small of a role I may have. Marshall, who makes me feel alive and happy and loved.

Maybe...maybe I could be okay with never being a Mom. Maybe. I don't know. I don't...

A sting hits the back of my eyes, tears that I know want to escape. But I won't let them. I'm not mad at him, I'm just disappointed. I don't know what more to say. I could pour my heart out to him about all this, but I don't think it would change his mind. 

Just like this hasn't changed my mind. 

I take a deep breath and say, "I respect your choice, but I don't agree. I want children of my own someday. I need you to know- it's not something I'm going to change my mind about. This isn't a thought I had on a whim- it's something I've thought about even before I met you. Something I want with you. Even more so since I-"

I stop myself, looking away. Even though it's been what I've been wanting to tell him this whole time, the words are still so hard to say. And I'm even more reluctant now to share this with him. But I need to. Is this how I want to tell him? No, not at all. But nothing is going the way it was suppose to. 

"Since you what?" he asks, impatiently. 

I look back and say, "Since I had a miscarriage."