Do you ever wonder about why you are who you are today? Why you do what you do? Or why you feel what you feel?
I do. I think about it everyday. I think about why I don't let people call me Aaralynn. Why my new 'name' has been Maze for the past couple of years. Why I have the reputation of the 'bad girl' of the school. And even why I don't get close to many people, let alone talk to many. It all has a reason. Everything is for a reason. At least that's what I tell myself.
There is a reason why my father left. Why he was in some shady shit. Why he never looked back, or listened to my cries for him.
If everything happened and there was no reason for any of it, then what would there be to live for? What would be people's motivation to live?
My mom was and isn't the same person she was when my dad was here. Now, she is barely home. She doesn't care what I do. She doesn't care that I'm the known baddie at school. But she also doesn't care that I am hurting inside. Nobody knows what I truly feel, and I guess my reputation hides it for me. Everyone thinks that I'm the girl that doesn't give a fuck about anything. And they're right. But to an extent. I am constantly thinking about my future, what it will be like. What it will turn out like.
Would people even call me Maze?
The only people that know my reasoning behind Maze, are Ellis, Ad, Dex and my mom.
Whenever I have these thoughts about my future, I always have thoughts about why I just shouldn't give a shit what I turn out like. I don't have anything to look forward to in life. And why should I give a fuck?
That's just who I am, and who I always will be.
••
Who the fuck does he think he is? Does he think that he can just walk around here and call me that? Cause it is not happening. I won't tolerate it.
Everybody calls me Maze. Ever since I got that nickname, it stuck, and it always will. I will never let anyone call me Aaralynn. I hate it. Maze is my name.
If he thought by calling me that would make me like him more, then he is completely wrong. It made me hate him even more than I did before.
Harry has some nerve. I know that I lost it. After I ran out of the house, I went straight home and screamed. I pushed everything off of my dresser, threw my blankets and pillows off of my bed, and threw all of my clothes that were in my closet on the floor. I cried. I cried so hard. Which is something that I never do. Maze doesn't break down anymore. I laid on my closet floor, not knowing what to do with myself.
I wondered to myself, 'Why does it matter so much? Obviously I don't let anyone call me Aaralynn, but why does it affect me so much? I shouldn't be crying that a huge douche of a guy called me by my 'real' name.' It was fucking Harry that did. I need to fucking grow a pair and suck it up. If I show any emotion than he will get under my skin and torture me.
I won't let it happen. I won't. I'm Maze for fucks sake, I don't show emotion. And I damn sure won't show any for Harry Styles.
••
"Mazey, what's wrong?" Ellis asks me.
Ellis doesn't leave until tomorrow to go back to the university. I'm really going to miss him.
"Nothing, Ell. Just thinking." I say to him, gazing off.
"Bugs, I know when something is wrong. I'm your older brother, tell me." He says, genuinely.
"Nothing is wrong." I say to him, lying, but smiling slightly, trying to convince him.
"Maze, when are you going to learn that keeping everything inside doesn't help? It just makes the problem worse." Ellis tries to explain this to me, all the time. I don't believe it though. I think keeping your emotions and feelings inside does a lot. For the better. Nobody needs to know your shit. It's your mind because you can think things and feel things without telling anyone else. It's the only privacy I get around here.
"I'm not keeping anything inside. I don't know what you're talking about." Obviously I won't admit to bottling up my emotions. Who would? It shouldn't matter anyways.
"Maze. I have known you all of your life. I know when something is wrong, or off, or weird. And right now, you are all of those things. Now tell me." I don't know why he thinks I'm going to explain anything to him. I get that he is my brother and all, but I don't want to talk, so he should just lay off.
"You know what. I'm going upstairs." I say to him, and turn off of the stool in the kitchen and walk towards the stairs.
"No you're not. Maze, come on." Ellis says, hopping off of the stool as well and walking towards the stairs, following me.
"Ellis, nothing is wrong. I don't know what you are talking about." I turn around sharply and say to him. He doesn't need to follow me around and treat me like a baby. I'm 18, not 4. I can handle my own problems.
"Maze Rosan Knight. You are going to stop the fucking act right now. I know something is bothering you, and you are going to fucking tell me. I don't care how many times you say nothing is wrong. I know something is, and I won't leave until you fucking tell me!"
Ellis yells the last sentence, and it shocked me. He never curses. And I mean, never. The fact that he wants to know what is wrong that bad, makes me feel awful. I lied to him, and walked away from him when all he was trying to do was help me. If he wants to know that badly, then I guess I need to just say this stupid shit and get it done and over with.
"Someone called me Aaralynn today."
I whisper to Ellis. His face goes from raging, to soft in a matter of seconds.
"Maze, I-I didn't know. I'm so sorry." He says, apologizing.
"It's okay. It wasn't you who did it." I say to him, to try and make him feel a little bit better.
"May I ask who called you that?" He asks, worry lacing his whole face.
"Yeah, u-uhm. It was Harry."
I say, almost disgusted. That prick.
"Shit, I knew it. I thought I would be nice to him and lay it easy, but that's obviously not what's going to happen anymore. That son of a bitch already hurt your feelings. He is going to fu-
"Okay! I get it Ellis! I get it!" I say to him, laughing because he is cursing so much.
"What a douche." He says to me.
I laugh and say,
"Yeah. Tell me about it."
"Maze, I really am sorry though. I didn't know that's why you were upset."
"Ellis, I'm not upset. I'm just angry at the fact that he knows not to call me that. He probably wanted me to be all lovey-lovey with him because he called my by my real name. No. I don't take that shit. I'm called Maze for a reason, so he needs to stay the fuck out of my life." I say to Ellis, getting worked up the more I say to him about Harry. Harry just really gets on my nerves. He gets me angry without him even being here.
"Maze, you should just talk to him. Maybe he didn't mean it." Ellis says to me. Why the fuck would he give Harry the benefit of the doubt?!
"What the fuck Ellis? He did it on purpose. Why the fuck would you even say that?" Like come on! Harry is a dick!
"Maze, all I'm saying is that you should talk to him about it. You should see why he called you that. Maybe, it was on accident. You won't know the real truth, until you ask him." Ellis is getting on my nerves now too. I will not ask Harry why he called me that ugly name, when I already know. He is a douche who doesn't care about anyone else but himself.
"No. I'm not doing that, Ellis." I say to him, looking him in the eyes and turning around to go back upstairs to my room.
••••
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