You In Between Of Doubts

E

I pulled away from the hug.

"I am sorry, I wasn't there when you needed me the most." I said while wiping my tears, trying to regain composure.

"So this means we're okay now, right?" This is the first time I saw him ask for something so softly.

"We were always okay. It's just me. My feelings are impossible. I avoided you because I wanted to be stable, first. Now, I found out that you actually needed a companion, a bestfriend during your hardest times and I wasn't there. I'm sorry." I said painfully.

"I..." He looked so confused.

"I'll say sorry again, cause I don't think I'll be able to be by your side for now, Phi." I sincerely said, this time.

"Wh... what do you mean?" He then looked at me with a pair of eyes I never saw before. He tried to reach for my hand again but this time, I let him. I rested my other hand on his and caressed it.

"This is what I mean, Papi." I then smiled bitterly. "I avoided you because I wanted to forget about the feeling I had for you and it wouldn't be possible if we stay close." You know what? Fuck these tears. No matter what I do, It just won't stop falling.

"I don't mind." He immediately told me.

"I do. This is for the both of us. Just give me time and I'll come back to you. As your nong, as your best bud, I promise." I slowly removed his hands.

I opened the door of my car only for him to stop me. I looked at him, about to say something but his expression stopped me. It was it again. That unreadable expressions.

He guided me on the other side of the car instead. He then got in the drivers seat and drove me all the way to my condo without saying anything.

I embraced my feet as the cold breeze blew upon me.

Two weeks and three days have passed by. Nothing changed, I still love him the same. No, even more now. I buried my face in between my arms.

Why did I even confess? Why did I let my emotions drive me over? I should've just kept it to myself and forget it myself. I should've just stayed by his side when he said so but no. That's too selfish. He may be okay with it for now but the time will come when he'll be uncomfortable with it. It's better to settle things now since we'll be seeing each other a lot in the near future. God. I want to see him.

I returned to my reverie when I heard the door creak open.

"So all this time you were just here sitting pretty at the rooftop?" I turned around to see P'Tay near the door.

"Why? I think my next schedule would be two hours from now?" I asked him.

"I know. Someone wants to talk to you. Can't you check your phone? We've been calling you nonstop. Wait what do you mean two hours? Look at this guy. What were you thinking about that you didn't even notice that an hour passed already?" He bombarded me with questions.

What was I thinking?

I immediately got up on my feet when I saw him standing behind P'Tay.

"Oh, there he is." P'Tay said when he say Papi. I know I just expressed how much I wanna see him but now that he's here in front of me, I don't know what to do.

"I have to go." I excused myself.

"Oho! Where do you think you're going?" P'Tay then grabbed my arm to prevent me from passing through them.

"You guys should talk it out, alright?" He put me back in place and rested both of his hands on my shoulder. "I am so tired of being the middle ground every single time you two are fighting. Come on! It's been months already! Geez." He complained like a total grandpa.

He turned his back on me and patted P'Offs' shoulder twice.

"Fix it already, I'm not a private investigator to tell you his whereabouts every fucking time." He said before walking out.

I was about to walk away, too.

However Papi held my hand forbidding me to walk even further away from him. I then looked at him. "Please. Don't do this." I said trying to remove his hand but instead, He held it tighter.

"I gave you enough time, already." I looked at him. "It's about time you come back to me." This time, there was no hint of pleading in his voice. He was declaring.

"Only two weeks have passed, It can't be that fast you know? Please, just a little more time?" This time, It was me who was pleading.

To my surprise, he hugged me. Even tighter than the hug that night.

"Thank God you didn't forget about me or else mind wouldn't be able to take it." He tightened his hug even more.

"What do you mean?" This time, it's my turn to ask.

"You clouded my mind this past three months we were apart." I was about to break off the hug but he kept me in place. "I know, I'll be a bad person if I say this but I wasn't even affected when my girlfriend broke up with me and now, I think I know why."

I feel so confused but I didn't utter a word and listened to him instead.

"It was such a mistake letting you drift away from me two weeks more." This time he faced me.

"What are you trying to say, Papi?" I asked teary-eyed.

"I let you go because you said you'll come back and be with me again. However my heart broke at the thought of you not having any feelings for me and it scattered at the thought of you having feelings for someone else. Damn, I don't even want other people to touch you." He gritted his teeth while I furrowed my eyebrow.

"You're just confused." I tried to reason out.

"I don't know, I don't care. All I want is for you to stay beside for as long as a lifetime." He looked straight into my eye, looking as sincere as he can.

"But you do know, right? That I am a man, like you." I hesitated. I am very happy with every single thing I am hearing right now and as much as I don't want to pop the bubble. I also don't want him to regret his decisions later on.

"Fuck that! Fuck gender! Fuck Society!"

And in this moment, I've decided. If I can't move on from this man in front of me, I'll just make him fall for me. Fall so deep that he will never be able to imagine a life without me.

-

Again, I am not very good at writing. My skills are still lacking. So don't hesitate to tell me of things I'm doing wrong as I am very open for improvement. Please, please give this story lots of love and support.