Bare with Me

2

Summer

     Living with my godmother was an experience I thought would never happen. My mother leaving me was something that I couldn't understand. I knew that I wasn't mentally and emotionally stable enough to be cared for. She made it clear once she headed for New York, leaving me to start a new life and relationship. She promised me that she'd back once she was ready for me to stay, but it's been three years now. Staying in Washington D.C. was home, and it was apart of me. My mother got a better paying job, met her husband, and she gained two stepsons in the process.

For me, I was a little hurt. I will always love my mother, but the damage she created was far more painful. Her new life seemed to be going good for her, but somehow I just didn't fit into her agenda. What made things even worse was that I didn't even know she was getting married. She didn't have the decency to call her only child to tell the exciting news. I wanted to be happy for her, but from my perspective, it was like I was some secret to her family. Like she was ashamed of me. Aunt Kelly was invited, but she didn't want to go since I wasn't told the news. I reassured my godmother that I'd be okay with her and Aunt Adrienne going, while watching my godbrother and sister.

Being a college student, I didn't think I'd make it this far. After high school graduation, I took a year off to get my life together, while having the support (including my mother) that was needed. Trying to get back to my old self, I did a lot of reflecting on my life and what I wanted to do. Getting accepted into these amazing schools and receiving scholarships, that didn't matter. What was important was my mental health and my personal life. Two months after my graduation, my mother announced to me that she was leaving for New York for a better job opportunity, but wanted me to stay here. Not thinking much of it, I expected her to bring me along for the ride, but two weeks turned into two months, which led to two years and counting.

Thoughts of suicide came back. Dr. Kee gave me a mantra that was oddly inspiring. Suicide is never the answer. You have to outlive your enemies. Although I didn't have any, it was nice enough for her to create that so I could have it instilled in my mind.

"Summer, your food is in the microwave. It's going to get cold!" Aunt Adrienne shouted.

     "Alright, be there soon." I groaned. I wasn't hungry these days, as I was stressing over what to do for the summer. Besides working in a women's clinic, I had the opportunity to intern to get a taste of the medical field.

My personal growth was something I was proud of. Whether it'd be with my self-esteem or controlling my emotions, I felt good. With the help of Dr. Kee, my godmother giving me advice, or just taking care of myself, things were starting to look up. At times I wish Aunt Kelly were my mother. Although my actual mother tried her best to raise me, it felt like she was lacking certain areas.

     I lost interest in trying to rebuild a bond with her. Maybe not seeing her after all these years, I was no longer intrigued in the decision. Aunt Kelly pushed me a little to do so, but it didn't budge. I was slowly growing out of love with my own parent. Of course it hurt, but the situation I was put in, it was only natural to feel the way I did.

      The household that I'm currently residing at was far more different and traditional. Every night we'd eat dinner together, which was awkward at first. The whole grace thing I didn't understand. I wasn't really into the whole God thing, but I didn't label myself as an atheist. Truth be told, my faith was starting to grow a little. On campus there was a club, Faith Followers, which was held every Tuesday and Thursday during club hour. I had attended a few meetings with a classmate of mine. For once I didn't feel judged; it was home, away from home. It was enjoyable even though it lasted for seventy-five minutes. The leader of the club, Halle King, was a preacher's kid, who shared personal struggles of her own, but it didn't define her as an individual.

     Halle and I experienced similar things which was a surprise for me. We both grew up in a single-parent household. My mother raised me, while her father did the same. Her mother was a drug addict and walked out on her family when she was only eight. I think that affected her more, especially since her mother's boyfriend sexually assaulted her. I was grateful that I didn't go through that trauma, for she talks about how she gets nightmares from it.

    A knock on my bedroom door was made. Before opening my mouth, Aunt Kelly came in the room with a worrisome look on her face. I couldn't seem to figure out what the issue was. She walked to my bed and sat next to me, grabbing my hand. Now I was worried.

      "Umm, is everything okay?" Light sniffles were coming from Aunt Kelly and she hugged me, rubbing my back softly. My arms were restricted, so I was unable to return the hug.

    "Summer, your father was found dead." After that statement was made, I couldn't seem to find the right words to say. To be completely honest, I don't think I was feeling anything. Just numb. I already lost two parents, so this pain wasn't anything new.

     I didn't notice that I was laughing until she starred at me. Aunt Kelly's embrace was loose and her face was practically concerned from my laughing fit. I think I was happy. You see, I haven't seen my father or spoken to him since we last saw each other. That therapy session never happened as planned.

    "Are you okay, Summer? I know it's a lot to take in right now but–"  I cut her off with even more laughter. "I'm perfectly fine, I promise. One less person to disappoint me, y'know? It's just like him to make everything about him. He walks out on his family, and now he was found dead. Imagine that. I already lost my mother's love, now my own father is dead. I wonder how your best friend is taking it." Getting up from my Queen sized bed, I grabbed my diary from the bookshelf that I've had since I was sixteen.

     "Wow, would you look at that. On this day, three years ago to be exact, I tried to commit suicide. He dies the same day when my attempt failed. It is so like him to make everything about himself, wow." Aunt Kelly looked at me with sadness written all over her face.

     "Was this God's plan? This man who gave me false hope, dies? People don't lie when they say God works in mysterious ways," Tears started to form in my eyes. "I know my behavior isn't Christlike, but my heart is filled with joy and the utmost gratitude. His actions solidified the kind of bastard he was."

    "Honey, I know you're hurting but you still have to respect him, that was your father." I scoffed with a tone of disgust. Was she really sticking up for that man?

      "I hate to say it, I hope I don't sound ridiculous, I don't know who that man was. I mean, he could've be walking down the street, and I wouldn't know a thing. Sorry to that man." Our relationship was one for the books. Mr. Bell didn't deserve a piece of my time. I was so reluctant that we would finally have that father/daughter bond that I yearned for, but it never happened, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

      Aunt Kelly came closer to me, leaning in for a hug. This cuddling and nurturing thing was far beyond nauseating. The whole affection thing was out of my league. I wanted to let loose from her warm grip, but I couldn't. Maybe I did need this hug. My world was perfectly fine up until this very moment.

      There was no coming back from this.