Stay.

Relapse.

The alarm on my phone was buzzing on the bed side, I looked at the time. Why the hell did I set my alarm for five am? I am totally not a morning person despite tours and other things I hate waking early. I reluctancy dragged myself out of bed and walked into the small ensuite that connects to the guest room and turned the shower on and waited for the water to heat up.

Karlie has been running through my mind from the moment I left the hospital last night, I even had a nightmare that Josh had gotten ahold of her again. I have been over thinking terrible thoughts of death and lost all the time I've been in the shower, my wash bag is sitting on the soap dish holder. I quickly pulled it down needing to get rid of these thoughts.

I took out an old razor blade I carry around inside the bag and sliced it over my wrist then carefully over my thigh and ankle. I placed the blade back in the bag and carried on showering. I had broke my promise to Karlie, but at this moment I didn't care. I ignored the throbbing and stinging sensation until I noticed the water turning crimson red. I quickly stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in a bath towel. Rinsing the bath tub out before leaving the bathroom and entering my bedroom.

Once I was ready I decided I should probably stop my self inflicted wounds from bleeding. Just as I got my compact first aid pack out of my bag - you never really know when you're going to need it- Ellie walked in. She stood there in shock, her mouth hanging open, her eyes filling with upset much like Karlie had when she burst through my bathroom door and saw my secret. "It's not what you think I swear Ellie. Please don't look at me like that." I felt guilty. I didn't want the only sisterly figure I had in my life to abandon me let alone see me like this. Ellie came towards me not saying a thing and grabbed the piece of cotton wool from my hand, and dipped in some anti septic solution from my first aid kit. She looked at me and smiled a weary smile, and warned me it would sting a little as she sorted my wrist first. Ellie continued the progress, throughout my whining from the pain without saying a word. Making me feel really guilty, I felt like a child getting caught with my hands in the cookie jar ready to be scolded by my parents. Ellie grabbed my arms loosely and looked at me. I looked away quickly not wanting to look in her big brown eyes that tears were filling up in. "Why did you do this? From the looks of it you've been doing this a long time. You know full well that you're my best friend and that you're like family to me. Why couldn't you come to me with this, I knew you was struggling babe but not this much. You should have told me." Her voice was breaking I knew she was in tears but I couldn't look at her and feel any worse than I did so I pulled myself out of her arms and put my first aid kit away, well aware her eyes were cautiously following me around the room. "We need to go to the hospital, see how Karlie is doing. I really don't want to talk about this right now. After I know she is okay then I will tell you everything I promise, and I am really sorry you had to walk in and see what you saw. I love you and I never wanted you to see me like this." I looked at her once more and she nodded slowly. I walked towards the door whilst she was sat on the bed watching my every move. "Are you coming to the hospital with me, or are you going to carry on looking at me like I am going to break into pieces any moment?" Annoyance grew in my voice, I know Ellie was only worrying about me but this was my secret now two of the people I love more than anything knew it and I could feel them both judging me. Weak Taylor can't even handle life, that's what they were thinking and they weren't wrong.

Ellie stood up off the bed and wiped the mess from the cotton wool off of her leggings. "Yeah, I'll come. Do you want to call a driver or security or are we just going?" It was still early I knew paparazzi wouldn't be around this early so I suggested we just leave now without anyone. If Tree knew this she would yell at me for risking my own safety but right now she could go screw herself. We got to Ellie's car and she squeezed my hand tightly before making her way to the drivers seat. "You ready to see your girl?" she asked a wide smile growing on her face. This car journey is going to be filled with her asking for intimate details of her and Karlie's relationship for sure.