Humor On High: Clean Jokes and Funny Stories

The Great Outdoors

Here is a line for those who like to note if they are First Time Readers (FTR) or Re-Readers (RR). 

Since this is a clean book, please refrain from swearing. :)

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A man visited his doctor, and the doctor checked him over before commenting, "It looks like you get a fair bit of exercise."

The man replied, "Oh yeah, in fact, just the other day I walked 5 miles over rugged terrain as I climbed over rocks and trees. I also waded along the edges of a lake, pushing my way through tall thistles, and even slid down sandy slopes while getting sand in my eyes."

The doctor was quite impressed. "Well, you are certainly a dedicated outdoor enthusiast."

The man replied, "Not really, doctor. I'm just a really bad golfer."

~

An elderly man owned a large farm for several years and he had a large pond on the far end of his property. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond since he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a big white bucket to bring back some fruit before starting the long walk to the remote area.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was several young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."
Some old men can still think fast.

~

I can't tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. That is until my mother gave me this handy tip: "Pull them all up. If it comes back, it's a weed."

~

There are knee-deep snowdrifts in my yard from the howling winds yesterday and last night.

It is -38C (-36F) with a windchill of -48C (-54F).

On the bright side, I haven't seen a single mosquito in weeks.

~

It's evening. Little Johnny and his friend are sitting by a campfire.
They've been plagued by swarms of mosquitoes already for an hour and the assault only worsens when the darkness sets in.
Suddenly, fireflies appear, and little Johnny exclaims, "These darn mosquitoes! Now they've even brought lanterns with them to find us!"

~

I was out boating on the lake when I saw the brown head of a dog in the middle of the lake. I couldn't believe it; I could barely even see the shore from where I was. Who would have dumped their dog into the middle of the lake to drown? I sped up my boat, heading straight towards the dog, intent on bringing it into my boat before it could drown. I got closer, and it turned its head and roared at me. I promptly changed my mind and decided that the small brown bear was perfectly capable of swimming to shore on its own power.

~

A young man wanted to invite his girlfriend to their farm but was embarrassed by the old-fashioned outdoor outhouse.
He kept bickering with his dad about getting a modern one with indoor plumbing, but the old-timer didn't want to give in.
Out of sheer desperation, he slips out one night, and with a huge shove - pushes the entire outhouse down the hill. The solid affair was still intact when it reached the bottom, but he knew it would be too damaged to drag back up with the truck's winch.
The next morning at breakfast, his father asks him if it was he who destroyed the outhouse, and at the same time, reminds him of the story of George Washington and the cherry tree.
"Yes, Dad," sighed the boy. "It was me."
"I'm glad you're so honest." said his father.
"And as punishment, you have to start digging the pit for a new one immediately."
"But Dad," protests the boy, "when George Washington admitted it was he who cut the tree, his father didn't punish him!"
"Yes, you're right," said his father. "But George's dad wasn't in the cherry tree when he cut it down!"

~

It was late in the day when a fully loaded minivan pulled into the only remaining campsite. As soon as it stopped, the doors flew open and four children jumped out.

They began to unload gear and worked feverishly to set up the tent. Next, the boys ran to gather firewood while the girls and their mother set up the camp kitchen area.

The camper in the space next to them marvelled to the children's father, "I've never seen such teamwork nor a camp that was ready so quickly. I'm impressed."

The father turned to the neighbour and nodded sagely. "I have a system," he said. "No one goes to the bathroom before the camp is set up."

~

If there's one thing I learned about hiking, it's that the early bird gets a faceful of spiderwebs.

~

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

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An old-fashioned lady wrote a letter to a campground to ask about the facilities before booking a camping spot. She didn't quite know how to ask if there were bathrooms on-site or if they had to use the ones in their RV, nor could she bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she wrote down bathroom commode, then thought she was still being too direct for a polite letter, so she simply wrote, "Does the campground have its own BC?"

The campground owner simply couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. The BC reference really stumped him. Hoping someone else would know, he showed the letter to several campers, but they were just as confused, although one woman commented that she might be referring to the Baptist Church just up the road since it was holding a number of summer activities. Since that was his only lead, he sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I am pleased to inform you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It's such a beautiful facility, and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went, it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. If you do decide to come down to our campground, there are a few people here who would be delighted to go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,
(Campground Owner)

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Joggers creep me out. Not because they're out and about at all hours of the day and night, but because of how many bodies they find.

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