Humor On High: Clean Jokes and Funny Stories

Animal Oddities

A guy recently bought a parrot. And it turns out that this parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "Ok, that's it for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

~

My neighbors' cat kept sneaking into my house whenever we opened the door, so I put a superhero costume on him and put him back outside. That should make his owner wonder what kind of underground crime-fighting his cat is doing without his knowledge.

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Two guys were out walking their golden retriever and chihuahua while their wives were out shopping. When they pass by a pub, the first guy says, "Let's go in there for a pint."

The second guy responds, "They won't let us in with our dogs."

The first guy grins. "Sure they will, just follow my lead."

He goes up to the pub with his golden retriever, and sure enough, the doorman says, "I can't let you in here with that dog."

He replies, "Oh, I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog."

The doorman says, "Ok then, come on in."

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, "You can't come in here with a dog."

He replies, "I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog."

The doorman skeptically responds, "You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?"

The second guy stops for a second before exclaiming, "A chihuahua? They told me it was a rottweiler!"

~

A woman called the airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

"Sure," I said, "as long as you provide your own kennel." I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: "I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!"

~

Perks of Dog ownership:

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet.

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I'm a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, "Why did you choose this breed?" My client had written, "I often ask myself this very same question."