cruz POV
I don't know why I do it, I have a great life. I have an amazing boyfriend and I work with some of the nicest people ever, I'm not out to them yet but I care about them and their opinions. well maybe I should just start at the beginning of my problem, my cutting.
I just met Otis and started at 51, I am depressed and anxious and have been since I was 10 so I was used to it. At the time I always thought I was asesexual and aromntic, then I met him. the love of my life and the only one I will ever love, the handsome, smart and kind otis. I realized that he was straight and it hurt, alot. when I first started to fall I felt real happiness and I loved it, it was like I was seeing light and color for the first time. he makes me happy and it killed me, I was even considering suicide. I don't remember when it first was but I feel like it was a few weeks after I had gotten used to the new feeling of pine when I was shaving my face and I accidentally cut my self, I quickly dropped the razor on my arm and it cut it slightly. my eyes widened as I had never thought about that alternative, I cleaned the wound on my face and then took an extra razor blade and made a bigger cut on the one I had made on acceden. It felt good and it was a distraction from the pain in my chest and head, I needed it but it would get better then worse. at first it was one cut, then two, then three. once a week, twice a week, every other day. until it got to the point of three times a day with at least six cuts at a time, I hate myself cut my friends deserve better cut I'm worthless cut brian will never love you, you monster cut. I have a few cuts that are bigger, I have a few I know and I don't cut over.
1. The time herrman got stabbed I started a line on my right arm, everytime something happened to my friends I could have stopped or I caused I made the cut longer or wider.
2. I have an old infected cut that scared pretty bad, it was the time everyone found out I did zumba and because of all the stress of that time I wasn't paying attention so it got infected.
3. Last but not least is the cut the stretches from my wrist almost to my elbow on my left arm, when Otis was on bed rest for his platelet disorder I could help myself but to hurt myself that much more.
the day I found out otis was bisexual I felt so stupid, the pain is here and there is no changing it. I was to far gone to even think I would ever have a chance with him, I am a depresed, anxusios, fat, idiotic demisexual and I can get a chacne with my strong, handsome, kindhearted crush? I didn't have a second thought on the matter, it hurt too much to think about it anyway so it was alway a 'don't even try' thing. Almost like with lily and chloe, we asked them if and when they want to 'end' things but it doesn't annoy us when they say they don't know or don't want to think about it. when I'm next to him I never want to cut, all I want is him. I'm always happy next to him, so let's get on to what happened a few weeks ago and why I'm so worried about the cutting now.
we were sitting on the couch, nothing special. we had a hockey game on and since him and I moved away form brett and foster we were alone, we didn't even have drinks or a lot of food. he just look at me, not really to be weird or anything but it was odd behavior even when we weren't playing our 'act' for the house. he was just looking at me, sometimes it was almost like he was looking through me and others it was like he was curiously look into my mind. it really didn't creep me out even though it sounds creepy, then he spoke.
"you know the reason I have never tried to date someone even though lily and I are fake?" he asks me and I shook my head, sometimes words just slip off his tongue in a way that makes me realize how much I love him "I've loved you for the longest time, I know this is coming out of nowhere but I need to kno-" he says and I luge at him crying and he ends up on his back crabling me to his chest, he kissed me gently and I kissed back.
At that moment I didn't want to cut, all I want is to be next to him and be happy. but happiness never lasts long when it's my life, once he fell asleep I felt terrible. He deserves better than me and I know it so I went to the bathroom and grabbed my well hidden razor blade, I could stop myself and I counted five on one arm and nine on the other. it was amazing that I didn't pass out, I guess I'm just used to it. I love him and hate myself, he is so sweet and kind hearted and I'm just me. I've never been much and never will be much, I've known that my whole life.
