not fine

wonder

tw mental health pills self harm suicidal thoughts
please do not read if those affect you. please.

i
am
exhausted.

i feel so
scared
frustrated
angry
and confused.

sometimes i get in a daze
and i wonder —
is it even worth to live like this?

to be constantly in fear
to never feel at ease
always afraid of what will happen
as long as i breathe.

sometimes i look at my pills
and i wonder —
do i really need them
or am i just looking for an escape?

because the only time i feel safe
the only time i feel comfortable
the only time i feel free
is when i don't feel anything at all.

when i'm free of the grasps of my mind
of the constant heavy weight in my heart
nothing can ever hurt me
and that's what i crave most.

sometimes i look at my body
and i wonder —
what would it feel like if i used a blade on my wrist?
would the pain distract me from the mess that my mind is?

what about if i brought the blade to my neck?
would the sting and numbness make me glad?
to make me focus on something else for once
to make me forget everything at last?

what if i pointed a gun at myself?
a bullet piercing through my leg
won't that be swell?

sometimes i look at myself in the mirror
and i wonder —
will i ever truly be okay?
or will i remain this way until i fade away?