the relation of art and pain | jotakak

ix

They had both insisted on walking the other home once it got dark outside, but Jotaro won that argument. Although Kakyoin is not weak, he is far thinner and more lanky than Jotaro — and Jean's attitude puts doubts in Jotaro's mind about whether Kakyoin is the best at fending for himself. He enjoys the extra time with him either way. They continue a conversation about their favorite bands as they walk towards the dormitories.

"You've never heard anything by Sting?" Kakyoin asks incredulously.

Jotaro nods. "Nothin'."

"That's a crime," he says. "Come over sometime. We'll listen to them together."

"I could listen to them at home," Jotaro points out.

"I want to see your face when you hear the best music there is on the market."

Jotaro snorts. It's the longest sentence Kakyoin has ever said, and it's about some band he doesn't even know. He supposes he's just as bad, what with his rant about jazz musicians he likes not five minutes before.

Once the conversation dies down, Jotaro realizes how chilly Kakyoin's hand is in his own. He hesitates, but then he lets go of it, prompting a confused look from the other man.

His expression changes when Jotaro opens his coat. Kakyoin smiles and slings an arm around Jotaro's waist, snuggling into his side as they walk. It's awkward and slows them down a considerable amount, but it's worth it to feel Kakyoin's hand rubbing feather light circles into his back. He hasn't hugged anyone besides his mother in a long time, which is embarrassing to think about. It's nice to feel the company of someone else, as inconvenient as it may be.

"I had a good time tonight," Kakyoin says, as they near his building.

"Me too," Jotaro says.

"It's been a while since..." Kakyoin trails off, trying to find the right words. A sadness seeps into his voice, one that makes Jotaro feel almost uncomfortable. "Since I've been able to enjoy myself with somebody else. It's hard to be close to people. But it's easier with you."

Jotaro doesn't ask or comment on it. He only squeezes Kakyoin's shoulder and hopes that the gesture is enough. The words to communicate what he's thinking evade him; otherwise, he would tell him that he feels the same way.

The silence takes on a different tone after Kakyion's admission. It gets to Jotaro so easily that when Kakyoin gives him a hug, he returns it despite being in the light of the dormitory. He has always been paranoid about public displays of affection, but he can't find the energy to mind it now. All that matters is Kakyoin's hands splayed across his back and his wild, red hair tickling Jotaro's cheek.

"Thank you," Kakyoin mumbles into the crook of his neck. He can feel his breath on his skin.

Jotaro grunts and pats his back. It's difficult to let go within the next few seconds. He immediately misses Kakyoin's warmth as the ginger steps away. His demeanor shifts and it's as if none of the sentiment that passed between them had ever existed.

"Well. Good night, Jotaro," he says.

"See you," Jotaro says. Kakyoin has opened the door before he thinks to add, "Hey!"

Kakyoin turns and cocks his head.

"I won't listen to that band tonight. Just to save my reaction for you."

Kakyoin smiles, then laughs, waving Jotaro off before he disappears inside the building.

-

He comes home to Holly turning off the lights in the living room. As she catches him a hug, Jotaro wanders how a tiny woman like her can have such strong arms.

"I missed you!" She says, leaning back. She fumbles with the front of Jotaro's coat to have something to do with her hands as she asks, "How'd it go?"

"Fine," he says. She gives him an expectant look, and he sighs. "'Kay. It was good."

Holly grins, patting his chest. "Good! I'm going to bed, but you can tell me all about it tomorrow, alright?"

Jotaro nods. Her energy is exhausting, especially after spending the entire night out and about. Returning to his room to work on a paper is a welcome reprieve. Although, his focus becomes challenging to maintain as his mind begins to drift to thoughts of Kakyoin.

It felt nice to hug him. More than nice, actually, it was wonderful. Jotaro loved it, even if he won't go as far as to admit that. It forces him to realize how much he's missed having someone to hold and someone to hold him. He knows it's selfish and shows how much self awareness he lacks to think that. He could have said yes to any of the people who asked him out over the years and he would have had what he wanted, but he craves something more than just a simple hug.

Kakyoin seems like someone that he could have that something more with.

Jotaro runs a hand through his hair, knocking his hat off and to the ground. He doesn't care enough to pick it up. He's too tired and far too bored to care. Reflecting on his emotions makes him want to curl up in bed and ignore the world, rips out the joy that he usually finds in working. He tries to reason with himself, to convince himself that this sort of thought process is absurd and obsessive and that he shouldn't be allowing it. He itches to light a cigarette or have a drink, but he's forgotten where he hid the pack the last time he took it out.

He lies his head on his arms and lets out a sigh. Closing his eyes makes it easier to remember how firm Kakyoin's hug was, his gentle touch, and how the night seemed quiet and still apart from the two of them.

It's easier, too, to remember a snippet of conversation they'd had during their outing.

"Why'd you ask me out?" 

"You're kind. And smart, and funny. And very nice looking, but I'm sure you know that."

Jotaro had scrambled for something to say that was more intelligent than just mumbling yeah. What exactly that would have been is beyond him now. He can only recall how adorable Kakyoin's face had been when it turned beet red.