the relation of art and pain | jotakak

xvii

The canvases for this round, as Jotaro thinks of this redo, are smaller than the first. He assumes it's to fit all four people he'd wanted to include this time, but it also makes the process more manageable. Kakyoin takes his sweet time, especially now, and the hours add up. It gives Jotaro time to think, something he's been doing with far more frequency than usual these past days.

Holly had been ecstatic to be included again, as if she weren't the first time. She was even happier to have Jotaro hug her for an hour for Kakyoin's reference. Jotaro had pointed out they could take photos, as they could have for all of these. But Kakyoin had said that live models are always best, and Holly adamantly agreed like she knew the first thing about art. In truth, Jotaro never minded having Kakyoin work in real time, but hugs get too warm too fast.

When Jotaro had proposed minor changes to the portrait of him and his mother, Kakyoin had never explained the significance of having them closer. Whenever Jotaro asked, he smiled and waved him off.

Holly was content either way. When they all take a break, and Kakyoin leaves for the restroom, Holly takes the opportunity to bug Jotaro.

"Did you ever decide if you two are dating?" She asks. Jotaro frowns.

"He's still here," he says. He lowers his voice, as if Kakyoin can hear him through the walls.

"I know, I know," Holly waves him off. "It isn't as if I'm gossiping, so it's fine."

Jotaro can only imagine what Kakyoin would think of this conversation, and he feels that it definitely is not fine. "Yes," he finally says. His mind is creating an embarrassing image of Kakyoin overhearing their conversation, but he tries to ignore it. It isn't as if it's a secret to him, after all.

"Boyfriends?" She asks.

"You're pushing it," Jotaro answers, figuring it's the only way to get her to stop. She does, smiling at him, though there's mischief in her eyes that tells him she isn't quite done yet.

Kakyoin returns before she says anything else. The rest of their session goes as planned, besides the nerves inside Jotaro's stomach. Holly is much like her dad and if Jotaro had to guess what Joseph would do after that conversation, it would be asking Kakyoin if they're together. But Holly is subtler than Joseph, and thus, she's a bit of a wildcard. Jotaro uses the quiet time to obsess over the possibilities.

Once they decide to call it a day, Holly leaves the two alone and takes some of Jotaro's worries with her. Kakyoin, however, picks up on his mood.

"Is something wrong?" He asks. Jotaro fixates on his hands as he puts his paints away, unable to look in his eyes.

"Are we together?" He blurts.

Kakyoin stops. An excruciating moment passes before he chuckles. "Well, I thought we were."

Jotaro relaxes at the warm tone of his voice. "'Kay," he says, then realizes how shitty that sounds and struggles to piece together something better. "I mean. We are."

Kakyoin only gives him a knowing smile. Jotaro busies himself with bunching up the old newspapers they'd set down underneath his canvas. His own bedroom was too cramped with three people and an easel in it, so they'd opted for the living room instead.

Jotaro wants to go to his room after they're done, but Kakyoin makes himself comfortable on the loveseat and he feels as if he has no choice but to sit with him.

"What made you ask?" Kakyoin says. Jotaro sighs and shrugs his shoulders.

"Dunno," he lies. He doesn't want to admit that his mom made him consider it, nor all the difficulty he's been having coming to terms with how he feels over the past few weeks.

Kakyoin is fine with his boring answer, though. "Right. Though now that you say that, I wanted to ask you on date. I have something to tell you."

"Somethin' to tell me?" Jotaro asks.

"I don't want to spoil it. Just wait."

-

Jotaro has never had so much trouble "just waiting." Kakyoin had come up with a date that was much too far away for that type of suspense — three days, to be exact — and never said anything else about what he wanted to tell him. Not that Jotaro had ever asked; he didn't want to sound obnoxious.

It has weighed on him until tonight. Kakyoin sits across the table from him at Smokey's House, fidgeting with his napkin. The fact that Jotaro does not appear to be alone in his anticipation makes it worse. Finally, Kakyoin sets his hands flat on the table and begins.

"I've thought it over. In the past couple of days," he says. "What I wanted to tell you."

Jotaro gives him a reassuring look, watching the way his mouth twitches into a nervous smile.

"It was hard to come to terms with. And making it a big deal seems stupid. But for me... it is one." Kakyoin pauses for a moment, collecting himself. He makes an effort to meet his eyes. "I love you, Jotaro."

He isn't sure what he was expecting, but it wasn't that. It clicks into place why Kakyoin dragged out the wait. Jotaro feels frozen, wishing he'd had three days to think this over. It only takes seconds to reach his own decision, but it makes him feel so vulnerable to have to answer now.

Kakyoin has made him consider things he never thought of before. Kakyoin has made him laugh and smile and feel happy, something Jotaro can't remember anyone doing for him in a long, long time. Kakyoin has made him take his head out of his ass about a lot of things, which Jotaro now knows he needed.

And, the most important thing of all, Kakyoin has made him feel genuinely needed.

"I love you, too," Jotaro says. It's so much easier to say those words than he ever thought it would be. He can't stop himself from returning the smile Kakyoin gives him. It's broad and warm and cute. He seems so relieved that it leaves Jotaro wandering if Kakyoin had been nervous all three days leading up to this evening.