the hangover-phil wenneck

five

"Hey, Phil, what about your dad's car?" Alan asks as you all walk out of the building, Phil and Alan holding the white boxes filled with the weird merchandise.

"I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back," he says.

"Then you vote you torch the cop car and all this shit with it," Stu says as Phil opens the trunk.

"Torch it? Who are you?" Phil asks after he had placed the box in the trunk.

"I don't know, Phil. Apparently I'm a guy who marries complete strangers. This whole situation is completely fucked. These mugs," he yells, grabbing one of the mugs from the box Alan is still holding and shattering it on the ground.

"Stu, settle down," you sigh.

"This hat!" he yells, ripping the hat off of Alan's head and tossing it on the ground.

"Hey!" Alan whines.

"This car! It's all evidence of a night that never happened. That is why we're torching all of it!" Stu says.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm a schoolteacher, I've got a life. I'm all for secrecy but I'm not gonna torch a fucking cop car," Phil says.

"No, you agree with Phil. You thought what you were doing before was illegal? This will for sure get us caught. Torching it will really gain us attention," you say.

"Fine, I'll do it," Stu eases up, placing his hands on his hips.

"Can you help?" Alan asks. You sigh, rolling your eyes.

"Yeah, thanks," Stu says as someone's phone starts ringing.

"Shoot, is it Doug's?" Phil asks as you all start checking your pockets.

"It's Doug's, it's Doug's," Phil says, pointing to Stu as he pulls Doug's phone out of his pocket.

"Uh, it's Melissa," he sighs.

"Don't answer it," Phil sighs, shutting the trunk after Alan had finally stuck the box in.

"I have to, she's called twice already!" he says.

"How do you not see how weird and clingy she is! You ignore her calls so she calls your friend's phone instead," you say.

"Can you ride shotgun?" Alan asks, touching Phil's arm.

"Don't touch me," he says, quickly pulling his arm away as he pushes past Alan.

"No, fuck off," you say, walking to the front seat and getting in as you hear Stu answering the phone from afar. Phil hangs his head, fed up with Stu as he stands in front of the open driver's door, waiting for Stu to get in the car. You can faintly hear him feeding Melissa some bullshit lie from outside.

"Learning all kinds of vino factoids," Stu says as he gets in the back seat, Phil getting in the front as they both shut their doors.

"It would be so cool if you could breastfeed, y'know?" Alan asks Phil from the back seat, Phil furrowing his eyebrows and shaking his head at the weird comment, even though it shouldn't be a surprise coming from his mouth.

"Well, we're about to go for a tractor ride, you should probably get going," Stu says as an orange car speeds into the parking lot, quickly parking behind you.

"What the fuck?" Phil asks, glancing in the rearview mirror. You look behind you, seeing two men get out of the car, both of them holding a wooden baseball bat.

"Get out of the car!" one of them yell, coming over to your side and hitting your door at the same time the other guy walks over to Phil's side.

"They just started up the tractor. You think it backfired," Stu chuckles.