Endgame - A Drarry Fanfic (Harry Potter x Draco Malfoy)

Chapter 8: A Truth and A Lie

TRIGGER WARNING: mention of mental illness and suicide

After the lunch they shared, Harry and Draco started writing letters back and forth. They would talk about their days, Harry's full of boring paperwork and Draco trying to make his days of leisure sound enjoyable. Even though they were never about much, Harry always felt happy when he saw Draco's snowy owl with another letter for him. Sometimes Draco would stop by for lunch, always saying that he "had to come to the Ministry anyway," but Harry stopped believing that. He knew Draco came to come see him and to get out of the house.

Christmas was fast approaching, which meant the kids were soon coming home for the holiday break. Harry started working overtime trying to free himself up so he could spend the holidays with his family, but that also meant his didn't get to see much of Draco in December.

Harry and Ginny met at King's Cross and crossed onto platform 9 & 3/4 together. As the train pulled to a stop, James, Lily and Albus came running out. Harry saw Scopibus split from Albus and run of towards Draco. Harry and Ginny hugged and kissed their kids, trying to act like the normal, happy family they always were, but they could both feel the tension in the children.

When they got home, they all sat down in the living room for a talk.

"So, here's how it's going to work. James," Harry said turning to his eldest son, "You are going to stay in Albus's room."

James interjected, "What? Why? Why can't he stay in my room! It's bigger!"

"Only by a few inches!" said Albus. "Plus I don't want to stay in your room, and I don't want you in mine either!"

"Enough!" Said Ginny and the kids all quieted. "James you are staying in Albus's room and your father will be staying in your room. End of story." Ginny sounded more and more like her mother as she got older.

Everyone was quiet for a second and then Lily spoke up, "Dad, did you really cheat on mom?"

Harry sighed, he hadn't really thought about the Daily Prophet getting to Hogwarts but of course it would. "No, Lily. I did not cheat on your mom. Everything that has been written in the paper was made up."

"Then why did you divorce?" She asked.

Harry looked to Ginny and Ginny looked at him. They knew that the kids were probably going to ask at some point, but they hadn't really planned an answer. They both agreed that there was no reason to tell them about Ginny's night with Dean. Harry hadn't made up his mind if he was going to come out to his kids yet, but seeing all their faces staring up at him, he knew he owed them the truth and it was time. He looked to Ginny and gave her a small nod, she understood.

"The truth is..." Fuck. Harry thought, I really should have prepared this. "The truth is that I care for your mom very much, but I don't.. love her." He could barley stand to look at their faces, but he resisted the urge to lower his eyes to the ground and looked at the three of them when he said, "I realized that couldn't really love her, the way she deserves to be loved," he glances back at Ginny before turning back to the kids, "because..."

He couldn't do it, he just couldn't. His eyes now turned to the ground. Telling them their father is gay was going to shatter they're world even more and the divorce was still so fresh. So before he really thought it trough, he finished, "...  I have some problems." He looked to Ginny; Ginny looked a bit surprised. She hadn't thought he would bring up this.

"What do you mean 'problems', Dad?" James asked.

Harry had stepped into that. Harry and Ginny looked at each other and silently communicated what they were about to tell the kids. It wasn't the reason they divorced, but it was true. And it was going to be almost as hard as telling them his sexuality.

Harry was very grateful Ginny started for him. "I know he doesn't show it, but your father still has a very hard time with what happened with Voldemort." Ginny had since been used to saying the name. They rarely talked about him in the house, but when they did they always used his name, never 'The Dark Lord' or 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.'

Ginny turned to Harry to see if she should go on, Harry was glad to have her do so. This was harder for him to say to aloud; he never could really say the words. "Your father suffers from depression and PTSD." Ginny said as she started rubbing Harry's back. Harry was full on head in between his knees now. Maybe this was a worse idea. The kids shouldn't have to know this either, he thought.

"It's been... a struggle." Ginny said, unsure of how to go on, looking to Harry.

Harry finally lifted his head to look at his children, "You guys don't really see it, but it puts a lot of strain on our relationship." which was true. Harry and Ginny had struggled for years with Harry waking up most nights with nightmares, Harry having days when he could barley get himself out of bed, and occasionally having flashbacks triggered or thinking he saw Voldemort on a corner or down an alley.

"Your mother," Harry continued, putting a hand on Ginny's knee, "deserves someone who can be there for her. Who loves her in a way that I can't."

"But dad- can't you just get better? Can't you just go see someone and fix the problem?" James said angrily.

"I'm afraid it's not that simple. I have been getting better, and I've been doing a lot better. But it's just been too many years of strain. We don't love each other the way we used to." That last part was a lie, he loved Ginny just as much as he did the day he married her. It was just never the right type of love.

"This, of course," Ginny said, "stays in the family. Don't go telling any of your friends about this. Your father, our whole family has been through enough. We don't need this is the news too."

There is silence before Albus finally finds his voice, "You're ok though dad. Right? You're not gonna... you'd never...?

Harry looks at his young son and he can feel the tears forming in his eyes. His son, his baby, is trying to ask him if he if going to kill himself. "Come here," he says to Albus. Albus walks over and pulls him into a big hug. "I'm fine. I'm not going anywhere, you hear me? I'll always be here for you. All of you."

James and Lily come over and all have a group hug. Then they each hug their mom.

"We both love you so much. And I'm sorry we're doing this to you guys, but you have to trust us that it's for the best." Harry said.

***

James, Lily and Albus had heard growing up that their father must be crazy or even dangerous: "Harry Potter must be fucked in the head after all he's been through!" "He was only a boy when he killed the Dark Lord, that must mess you up." "Harry Potter is good but he's still a murderer. He killed He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!" Most people adored Harry for what he had done, but even those who loved him many still questioned his sanity.

James, Lily and Albus learned to ignore all the stuff around their father. They knew he was perfectly fine, or so they had thought. What their father had told them had surprised them all. Harry really had done a great job hiding it from his kids. James was the only one who could remember his father showing any sign of his troubles. When James was young, he used to like to sneak into his parents bed at night. His father would mumble in his sleep and sometimes wake screaming into the night. After Harry had woken up from a nightmare to see little James looking up at him for the second time, he told James he couldn't sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed anymore.

James told his siblings about this when he remembered it. The three of them got much closer over that break. They felt separated from their parents, and that pushed them more towards each other. They had long talks about what they had learned about their father and what life was going to be like with their parents now divorced.

While the kids were still processing, everyone did all manage to have a good holiday. Christmas morning was full of presents and smiles as always, and for a bit everything felt normal.