And They Were Roommates (A Sakusa Story)

16. Sakusa Confronts His Inner Demons Part 2 (it ends on a good note i promise)

Word Count: 1467

Still Sakusa's POV
Location: In His Head

Trigger Warning: mention of cutting/suicid

By sophomore year, he was critically worse. Still, he kept his inner demons bottled up of, years of hiding his true pain from Komori and his mother having taught him how to maintain a poker face 24/7. Volleyball and school helped too: during the majority of the day he was too busy to dwell on the sharp edges threatening to break him from the inside.

On top of that, he had a reputation to protect as well.
Over time Sakusa stopped trying to make friends and instead embraced the status that, unbeknownst to him, was the reason why he was so hard to approach. To Sakusa, clinging onto his ego and title of Japan's number 1 ace was the only way to keep himself from feeling like a complete loser. As a result he worked tirelessly to hone his talent, not caring how severe the pain was. He threw himself into the sport, knowing that it was the only thing he had.

But at the end of the day, alone in his dorm room because some idiot had decided Sakusa deserved a room to himself, (he had been looking forward to making a friend, actually) he dropped the facade. Painful memories, ranging from ten years ago to freshman year, festered inside him to form a rotten brew that pulsed in his stomach until he would fall asleep around 1 AM.

In an alternate universe, maybe he would come to the end of his line. Perhaps, unable to continue moving forward, he would lash out at every person who dared to judge him as if he were a museum exhibit made only for the purpose of being objectified. After years of depending on his title as a prodigy, he considered abandoning it.

He knew he wasn't thinking logically, but the idea of rebelling intrigued him.

He considered other options as well. Maybe slicing open his arm would help him feel better? Tendou had mentioned it before in a private chat, saying the sensation of pain had kept him from 'offing himself' as a seventh grader.

Maybe Sakusa would have done it.

But then she knocked on his door that same day.

Now, he asked himself the same question: What would life be like without her?

There would be no sharing of the playlists, no one to keep him company in the mornings. In fact, there would be no one at all. There hadn't been anyone before she came but when she did, the last 17 years seemed worth it; like everything had been leading up to this point. He finally had someone to confide in, talk to, trust.

When he'd returned to the dorm to (l/n)'s elaborate movie night set up, he'd nearly cried. Because somebody loved him. But then came the trust issues.

So with Harry Potter still playing in the background, Sakusa resolved to cut her off before she realized how hopeless he really was. Freak. Monster.

I don't want to be your friend anymore, Omi.

He had heard it all before, but he couldn't bear to hear it from the one person who's opinion truly mattered.

And so.

"I can't bring myself to thank you in person, so maybe you'll hear it in a dream."

"(l/n), you raised me up from a bad place and made me feel... loved for the first time in nearly a decade. I can't thank you, and Komori for that matter, enough. God knew I needed angels and he sent me the best he had to offer when I needed them most. But..." he'd taken a deep breath and stroked her hair, gazing down upon her sleeping face. "As much as I appreciate everything you've done for me, I can't rely on you anymore."