Rants

Dysphoria

TW: DYSPHORIA, TRANSPHOBIA, SWEARING, SU*CIDAL TH*UGHTS??

I have tons of social, voice, and body dysphoria, and I don't fucking want it. I've been trying to make my voice go lower when talking but it just doesn't fucking work. It won't. My laugh sounds like a high-pitched giggle and I fucking hate it.

i'll try to make this so cis people can understand.

24/7, I feel like there's something inside me, something heavy. It's kinda like...a huge rock, if u will. I carry it everywhere. It's impossible to ignore, and I always want it gone. I want it to leave me alone and never come back. Its very distracting and makes it hard to focus most of the time. Some days its heavier/harder to ignore than other days, but it's usually very heavy. However, sometimes it seems to shrink, or lose weight. And it's easier to focus. It seems to become easier to ignore when I'm called my name, or someone refers to me as my correct pronouns, and I get this incredibly ecstatic feeling coursing through me, making the rock almost seem to disintegrate. Of course, it comes back shortly after, but not as heavy as it was before. My hair goes all the way down to my shoulders, right? Sometimes I put my hair up, in a hat, and stare at myself in the mirror. Usually I feel like I'm about to break down crying when I look in a mirror, and my rock feels like it's crushing me to death. But whenever I look masc and do it, my rock seems to shrink into a small stone or sometimes a pebble. Hearing my deadname makes the rock grow larger and more painful to bear, and because of corona, I'm stuck with my mum 24/7. I'm out to her, she knows my name, but she refuses to use it. I constantly want to die because I feel like I'm being crushed alive by the rock. I have to shower with the light off or else I feel disgusted at my body, and every time I look down and see tibbies, the rock feels like its smashing me into pieces. I procrastinate having showers for weeks because of this. I don't know if any other trans peeps would explain dysphoria like this, but it's the easiest way to for me. 

I hope this helped anyone cis understand what dysphoria is like. It fucking sucks.