Wicked Things We Crave

Chapter One

"I love you."

I

Love

You

Astrid repeated those three words over and over again in her mind after her boyfriend of six months spoke them to her, until the sentence lost all its meaning and sounded almost foreign to her.

If she knew the words were something friendlier, Astrid would have been able to say them back without hesitation. But she knew what he meant by them. Jack was in love with her, and Astrid wished like hell she could be in love with him back.

Most women turned into blissful puddles hearing those words, but in Astrid's world, all they did was ruin a good thing.

She'd never said those words romantically before. Being almost twenty-three, Astrid hadn't yet felt the power of toe curling, mind blowing, weak in the knees love. Fireworks had never lit up her body when she'd kissed anyone, and no one had walked into her life who she could imagine spending the rest of it with.

"Aren't you going to say something, Astrid?" Jack asked as he laid next to her in her bed.

If they'd been at his apartment, she probably would have high-tailed the hell out of there and dealt with the consequences later. Unfortunately, they were in her apartment, and she couldn't very well ditch him there. Plus, Astrid liked Jack. She cared for him. He deserved better than her overwhelming fear of commitment.

This was her longest relationship to date, and Astrid didn't want to lose it. "Thank you." When Jacks moved to his back and stared up at the ceiling, Astrid tried her best to comfort him. "I like you, Jack. I do, but I'm not where you are yet."

Maybe she'd never be. It was unfair to string him along and waste his time if Astrid never ended up feeling the way he wanted her to. She should feel something more than 'like', more than 'care' by now. It'd been six months, giving it two months longer than her former record because she wanted to fall in love with him, and worried she'd never given it enough time before.

If she'd been abused as a child, or had trust issues, Astrid would have a valid reason for never having fallen in love before; not even adolescent love where she thought, 'this is it!', only to be let down by reality. Except Astrid had had an incredible childhood. Yes, her mother left when she was young, but other than that, Astrid's life was pretty perfect. She had a father who loved her,  friends she adored. She was also attached to the hip to her godfather and visited her grandfather often.

She'd never been hit.

Never betrayed.

Never had a reason not to fall in love, despite the truly exceptional boys and men she'd dated.

Jack turned to face her, his brown eyes looking so full of a sorrow she couldn't comfort without lies. "Do you think this thing' ll lead to love?"

His question was a fair one and justified given the time and effort Jack put into the relationship. And although it would hurt them both to admit the truth, he deserved nothing less than that. "I don't think so."

After giving her a slow nod, Jack broke eye contact and flung the bedding off himself, collecting his shirt off the floor. "You're an awesome chick, Astrid. Any guy who gets you will be the luckiest son-of-a-bitch alive."

"Back at you," Astrid told him, covering up her naked chest the best she could.

So far, this was by far the nicest breakup she'd had. At least, that's what she assumed was happening.

"I'd say let's be friends, but I don't think I could just be your friend," Jack said as he zipped up his pants. The pants she'd only just unzipped right before he spoke those words.

Yes, this was a breakup.

Astrid mustered up the best smile she could come up with before he walked out of the room and allowed the smile to float away.

Before Jack closed the front door behind him, Astrid heard him yell out, "You're going to want to get dressed!" No further explanation was given before she heard the click of the front door.

Astrid felt around for her shirt, but couldn't find it, so instead just grabbed her plaid robe from the hook on the door. At least she had pants on when she trotted down the hallway to see why she needed to get dressed.

There stood Jonah, her favorite person in the entire world, a bouquet of lily's in hand and an awkward smile on his face. "I guess I should have called."

Her own smile probably should have been awkward, seeing as her godfather just caught a man walking out of her apartment and yelling at her to get dressed. It'd been a little over a month since she'd seen him, a record for the two. Even when she went to college, she stayed close enough to make the trip home once a month, and for him to show up to surprise her.

"You never have to call," Astrid told him. It was the truth. Jonah would never require a reason to stop by since the two had no secrets from one another. She never needed or wanted space from him, even during her rebellious teen years. He may have only been one year younger than her parents, who had her when they were twenty, but Jonah was more than a friend of her dad's or her godfather. He was, hands down, her best friend.

Jonah rubbed at his sandy brown hair, then pointed behind him toward the door. "Didn't know you were dating anyone."

Although Astrid didn't keep secrets from him, she kept her boyfriends away from him after threatening several of them with various forms of death while she was growing up. The teen Astrid found it annoying, yet oddly satisfying. The adult Astrid was having a hard enough time with relationships without adding Jonah's crazy ways into the mix.

Astrid tightened her plaid robe, shrugged her shoulders, then took the bouquet from his hands. "I'm not anymore."

Any trace of amusement or awkwardness slipped away from his features. "Who dumped who?"

"It just ended," Astrid admitted, wishing she felt more like shit about the situation given she'd been dating him for six months. "He said the 'L' word, and I couldn't say it back and mean it, so I didn't say it at all."

Jonah gave her a slow nod, knowing full well of how she felt about the word 'love', and that she still hadn't used it in a relationship. If she'd ever fallen in love, Jonah would be the first person she told.

Astrid sat on her suede couch, folding her legs beneath her as the lily's draped across her lap. "I'm starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with me."

"You're almost twenty-three, Astrid. There's nothing wrong with not having found love at that age," Jonah told her.

Astrid ran her fingers through her blonde hair. "I wasn't sure you'd be back on time for my birthday."

"I haven't missed one yet," he said with a tired smile.

It was true. He was there for every single one of her birthday's. But with his dad's stroke, Astrid would have easily understood him missing this one. "How are your parents doing?"

Jonah shrugged before he plopped down beside her. "As good as they can be. His nurse more or less kicked me out of the house, which is fine by me. I couldn't take one more day of Florida in the summer."

When he closed his eyes, Astrid noticed his crow's feet. It was the only proof the man had aged in the last ten plus years. She remembered as a small girl how much younger he looked compared to her father, though their was only a single year between them. Despite having aged a bit as she grew up, Jonah still looked so young.

"I'm happy you're here," Astrid told him. It was no secret she adored him and let him know how much she missed him with every phone call they shared throughout the last month.

Her father often said he felt like the third wheel around the two of them, despite he and Jonah being friends first. What began as a family-like bond between the two of them had bloomed into a perfect friendship Astrid couldn't imagine her life without.

Jonah's eyes opened for only a moment to glance at her, then closed again, his hand finding hers and pressing a small kiss against her knuckles. "Me too."