Wicked Things We Crave

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Despite it being summer, there was a chill the next morning Astrid couldn't rid herself of. It wasn't in the air, but deep in her bones. Knowing her mother was only a few miles away, probably still sleeping comfortably and without a care in the world caused her own restless sleep, her own lack of comfort and her mind to fill with clutter. 

The only thing that could tear her from her own constant moving thoughts was the front door opening and closing behind her. 

Jonah had kept his distance for the remainder of the day yesterday, made her what she imagined to be an attempt at dinner, sat by her side while a movie played she didn't watch, then slept against her all night while Astrid laid staring out the window. 

He set a cup of coffee on the wooden arm rest of the chair, then sat in the vacant one beside her. "Didn't get much sleep last night, did you?"

Astrid shook her head, the minimal act taking more than its fair share of effort. "I need to ask a favor."

"Whatever you need."

It wasn't much, but could prove to be difficult regardless. "I need my godfather," Astrid told him. "Just for a few minutes."

Jonah rubbed at his chin, let out a huff of air, then spared her a quick glance before he leaned against the back of the chair. "You wanna know what I think you should do here," he guessed.

"Yes."

After taking a drink of his coffee, he set it down on the ground and stared ahead of them toward the quiet street. "What you should do is tell her to get fucked. That woman walked out on you, then went on with her life like you never existed. She never even tried to learn how to be a mother to you, and never spoke one fucking kind word to you. Everything about you was like a chore to her, and I'll never understand that, because you were goddamn incredible.

"The problem with this shit is what you should do and what you need to do might end up being two different things," Jonah admitted. "If there are questions you want answered or if there's something you need to say to her, shit you've bottled up all these years, now's the time to do it. I don't know how much longer she's going to be in town for, but once she leaves, I'm not letting her within fifty miles of you. 

"So I guess the question is, do you have something you need to get off your chest?"

Astrid had spent nearly half the night imagining the encounter with her mother, and all the words she'd left unspoken because the person who needed to hear them was no where to be found. 

There were only fragments of her mother in her memory. She'd left when Astrid was still so small that she wasn't sure if any of those fragments were even real, or dreamed up out of photographs she'd found tucked away. 

Throughout the years, there were times she'd wished she'd had a mother. Her first kiss, her first bra, her first date, her first period. So many uncomfortable conversations she had to have with her dad or with Jonah because the woman she was meant to talk to about those things had abandoned her. 

But that abandonment was the only dark part of an otherwise pretty good life. That didn't mean that disappointment or resentment hadn't festered. Only that she'd managed to force it in the back of her head and live with it in the background. 

"There are things I want to say to her," Astrid admitted as she picked up her cup. "You don't know this, but I struggled with feeling self-worth for a long time because she left me. I know parents leave all the time, and my situation isn't anything unique, but a mother is supposed to feel something for her children. If she couldn't do it, I guess it's better that she left, but still. As a child, I was always worried  I'd do something wrong that would make you or my dad leave me. I thought I was unlovable. She never wrote or called, never came to see me, and barely looked at me when she left."

Jonah grabbed her shoulders and forced Astrid to turn and face him. The eyes looking back at her weren't the eyes of her lover, but of the man she'd grown up knowing and loving unconditionally. "I have loved you since the second I met you, kid. There isn't a centimeter of your heart or mind that isn't worth loving. Her leaving had nothing to do with her not wanting you, it was about her not wanting to be a mom. Even before she gave birth to you, it was obvious something wasn't clicking with her. Some people just aren't meant to be parents, and she was one of them. She knew that, and that was why she left. 

"And just because you didn't tell me you were struggling doesn't mean I didn't know. You've always been an open book to me, Astrid, even if you thought it was closed and locked away. I see you for exactly who you are, and what you are is incredible, and beautiful, and kind, and very much lovable."

Astrid took in the words and the determination of the voice that delivered them. Her shambles her mother left her in as a child had been picked up and put back together over time, but there was still that voice within her that needed to be heard and released forever; a voice that would continue following her if she didn't let it out while she had the chance. 

"Will you come with me?" Astrid asked him.

Jonah smiled and picked his cup back up off the ground. "I've got a few choice words for her myself. Besides, I'm sticking right next to you until you tell me to take a step back."