Good morning Good morning
Did you eat? Wash your face? Something productive..
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(So I'm getting off topic right now)
So yea I smoke.. I wanna stop smoking but I also like how it makes me feel so why not.. although I think it's not all so healthy.. that's not the only reason I want to stop. There are multiple things that is truly unhealthy so this isn't that bad lol
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I brainstorm about things in my head all the time. I think about EVERYTHING. I think I'm scared of life cause really anything could happen.. and I guess that's supposed to be "good".. most of the time I'm dreaming about my future.. what I wanna be doing in 2 years, 3 years, hell 75 years lol.. some may ask why does it matter? But how do you just control what your thinking in your head.. I think I think about good things.. thinking about my future is good right?. I just think about what if it didn't happen..the things that I want to happen.. it's crazy because some of the things I think about, it's been happening.. like I put all my faith in love.. I'm learning about me, I'm reading my bible.. that's a lot to think about right there lol so jus bare with me.. we in my head right now.
I want kids and a family of my own.. but I'm hearing live your life and wait for kids.. I'm too young..I'm not ready.. hell maybe I'm not ready.. but there's millions of people that are having babies that probably wasn't "ready" and turned out to be the best mom.. or a very good 1.. so shout out to all the moms. And dads.. hey yal🙋🏾♀️..I can live my life with my kids .. who said being a mother wasn't my purpose.
I want 4 or 5 kids.. right now I can barely afford myself so kids are just gonna have to wait.. but I want to have a baby.. and I'm hoping I miss a period lol maybe we'll miss this 1 lol nah jk.
Everyday I think about where I'll be a years or so from now..I just want to be out of this predicament..I want more for myself. I want to do more.. this COVID stuff got me not wanting to do nun .. like I went anywhere before that but still .. you know you gotta blame something lol.. I jus feel like something finna happen and idk what's gone happen..I just want this to be here so somebody will know.. maybe it's good maybe it's "bad" idk..something just told me to do it.
But do what exactly?
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I need to get up and eat and clean or do something.. I might go to sleep but I'll be back for today
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I just took a hot shower and I remembered I couldn't take a hot shower because it was too hot in the house so I took cold showers this week. Sometimes I just stand there and let the hot water only touch some of me because it's too hot lol. I gotta work my body on in it .. but it feels amazing.
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I get to see j today hopefully..so I'm excited I was supposed to see him Thursday but it jus wasn't happening so now today is Saturday and I hope I do get to see him.
J and I met a little over a year ago. -July 4th or 5th . We met at an old park. He played basketball at the park my dance team practice at.
5 6 7 8 and 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8. I'm repeating it back in my head and finishing my dance. Hair flip then a leg slap and I prance and do my lil walk. Making faces and giving them LIFE.
All I hear is "GO GIRRLL!!"coming from j lol. He was watching me over from the court. Everybody laughed and cheered. He was playing obviously but that's how it all started .. we exchanged numbers at my next practice. The first couple of days we texted alllll day. He had brightened me right up. 3 days in and we were seeing each other again ..
I liked him so much I just had to see him.. so I got a hotel and hoped that he would show up.. He owed me a hug.. a little after we got in the room he picked me up and we hugged for about 5or 6minutes long.. I don't know if it's because I miss the affection or if I really like him. But that scene totally replayed in my head multiple times. The smell, the way he rubbed me, and the way he rocked me, as if he was rocking to a steady beat.
Where did u come from I thought to myself.. it doesn't matter where you came from because I like it. This love language you have is mighty different but I would love for it to stick around. I've never had anyone like him around. I could tell him anything. I don't know what it is about j but I can't let him go. 1 day I'm going to marry j and he's the 1 I'm going to have kids by and that's that.
1:05 pm
I just woke up from a nap. Me and the baby had fallen asleep.. I woke up hot and hungry. And yea,My sister just had a baby about a month ago and I have another sister who will be having baby any day now..
It's like everyone else is living my dream.. why can't I jus have a baby? It'll be ok though because at least this gives me practice. The baby name is zack or z for short . Today is the first time I've held him and he actually laid his head on me. He never lays his head down. He's always looking around with his bucked eyes. I put z back to sleep and fixed my hot problem. I turned the ac on and it got cool shortly after..yesterday I found a rat by my air conditioner. Disgusting right. Another reason why I want to get out of here.. sometimes I used to be embarrassed about where I live or how I'm living .. well I'm still embarrassed about it.. I live in a old trailer. Everything is practically ran down but I've seen worse. I've had every room in this house and yet the rooms still doesn't satisfy me. How much room could a 21 y/old possibly need? I don't know but these ain gone cut it.. imagine your room being 10 ft even all around..
me and j talked about houses here and there but I've never actually thought about a house .. how I want it designed, the floors, and the rooms . I want a garden and 1 of those roundabouts for a driveway with a fountain in the middle..I want to buy my own land and get someone to build my house. I want to be able to add on to the house like upgrades or renovating I want at least 6 rooms ; to start off with that is lol. My biggest concern on a room is my hair room and dance room but we'll get to those details later
It is now 9:30 pm and j just left my house. I miss him already.. sometimes I just s wish that we loved the same..just sometimes..
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There's this guy I've been contemplating on telling you about. His name is lance. I met lance when I was in 10th grade. Lance is 28 or 29 I think. He plays basketball and is a manager at "car parts 4 u". We've been friends since then and now he's trying to come back into the picture.. I guess he wanted to hang out but, idk if hanging out with him would be a good idea tho..
So lance call his self cutting me off bout a week ago..we was supposed to match...talm bout he got a girl and he shouldn't have been talking to me.. he ended up blocking me on Snapchat so I never texted him back ..
you confused?? Cause he shol had me confused lmao.. like ayee I jus wanted to match.. but he ended up texting my phone asking do I hate him and am I mad at him.
We got that settled and I told him about j and now we back at square 1. J know where he stand and I know where I stand. Nobody's going to change my mind about J. I was jus trying to be a friend to someone who looked like they needed a friend.. but now it's like because I said something about j he doesn't want anything to do with me and that's ok lol.. my feelings aren't going to be hurt but yours are. But maybe this is wrong .. I haven't seen him in over 2 or 3 years so it really doesn't bother me none .. what's bothering me is these people can just walk in and out of your life purposely and talk to you on there terms..when they need something.. they don't think about other people and I think it's selfish but hey..what's really good.
9:57 pm
The old couple I mentioned in the beginning..( Gino and kat) they both tested positive for COVID. Gino been locked in his room all day and about a week ago kat went to the hospital and she isn't doing good. The conversation is getting the money for her to get cremated.. it's $1,195 to get someone cremated. That's a lot of money . Maybe she'll pull through but I guess it's too late if cremation is already in the topics..
11:14
I think my body forgot I had to work tomorrow lol. Im usually sleep by now. But for some reason I'm not tired .. or i just can't sleep .
I'm just up thinking about my period again. It really is late . Well it was supposed to come Thursday but it just might come tomorrow.. so I know if it don't come by tomorrow something could be wrong .
On 7/16 j told me he loved me. I'm still confused because i meannn I told him I love him too.. I do love him no doubt but how do you know when u truly love someone else? You just do and I do love you:)
Sometimes I wish wishes came true. Then me and j would already be overseas. We'll have a family and a big house.
Something is pushing me to want to meet his parents tho. And his sister.. I follow j sister on Snapchat but I don't know if he knows.. I just be looking tho.. I never say anything.. she seems cool. They still have both of there parents. Still married and live together.. my kids will have grandparents and for some reason I want that for my kids because I didn't have it.
I don't know what it feels like to have an old head around. That's a good start to becoming wise. At least to me. Taking notes from older people and twisting it your way.
Something else I would wish for is clear skin and a toned body. ..I'm not saying I don't like how I look but dealing with acne is sooooo stressful.. I'm not even gone get on the topic cause mm..
