Familiar Pact

5. Descent Into Madness

Hello, can you hear me?

I don't know if I'm going crazy, or crazier I suppose, but there's this damn voice in my head. I don't answer it. Pretty sure if you acknowledge the crazy it gets worse. Maybe.

Hello, please, let me know you're there?

Either that or ignorance is bliss, and now I feel like a small child closing my eyes when playing hide and seek under the theory of if I can't see them they can't see me.

I just want someone to talk to, someone who'll listen to me, the real me, not the person they want me to be. I don't have anyone anymore.

Scammer leads me back to my cell as dusk falls. The circus has been packing up around me for the last couple of hours, until Scammer finally fetched me from the sideshow's display cage. To be honest I was enjoying the extra space, so it wasn't until the steel-bender mage came to disassemble the cage that I actually made a noise. That led to a shouting match between him and a foreman. Then some poor sod; an attendant, getting whipped for not clearing the area properly, before they finally worked out who I belonged to and radioed Scammer.

Please don't ignore me too...

Could you at least tell me you can hear me?

Scammer is tense, her scent slightly clouded with fear. Her grip on my chains tighter than usual. If I wasn't so distracted with the damn child talking in my head I would have noticed before that we are going in the wrong direction. No no no, not him, my breathing accelerates. My ears plaster themselves to my head. A shiver scrambles itself up my spine, leaving my fur standing up in its wake. I don't realise I'm growling softly until the chain hauls me forward, biting into my neck.

Him, who's him? I'm a girl... woman, when is the point you become grownup? Are you okay? You sound scared...

"Stop growling Bagheera, you will not embarrass me... or do I have to muzzle you?"

I force myself silent as we approach Ringmaster's caravan, I try to make myself appear obedient, burying my dread deep into my soul, trying to con myself into a fake calm. It helps, somewhat. It's a skill I've developed over these long, lonely months; I can distance myself from my body and it's immediate reactions, remove myself slightly from the cold or the pain. In out, in, out, in... out..., in... out..., I count my breathing, keeping it steady, as Scammer knocks on the door.

"Delilah and Bagheera reporting as requested, Sir"

Are you having a panic attack? My aunt tells me to count my breathing when I have one of those... they really suck don't they...

I ignore the voice, I don't want to focus on anything other than getting through this as unnoticed as possible. I'm already terrified that he asked for us specifically. Very bad sign. I try to dredge up anything I might have done to stand out, where did I go wrong?