Golden

18 - Fiasco

"Every domino fell. It became really terrifying for anyone to even know where I was. And I felt completely incapable of doing or saying anything publicly, at all. Even about my music. I always said I wouldn't talk about what was happening personally, because that was a personal time. I just need some things that are mine. Just some things." Taylor Swift about her relationship with Tom Hiddleston. 

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Jade and Perrie's relationship, as unstable and unbalanced as it has been, was what made Perrie get her feet back on the ground. It was Jade who helped her understand which moments in life are the ones that matter, and who are the people who are worth fighting for. Perrie used to think Jade was worth fighting for. 

At first, right after they decided to go on a break, Perrie knew she could handle it. Her relationship with Jade was healthy in a way that she never became dependent on her; she used everything Jade had taught her in order to care for herself. Being with Jade meant she could be without her, and it was only temporary, a couple of days, maybe a week, until they get back into each other's arms. At least that's what Perrie thought. 

After two weeks in which Jade and her haven't spoken at all, Perrie started to lose it. She began realizing that chances are Jade wanted to break up with her, and that she herself was the one to title it as a 'break'. Suddenly, the thought of losing Jade forever began to sink in, and Perrie couldn't pretend that everything was okay anymore. Her career was the first thing to take the hit. Anxiety attacks became a weekly routine, all of her performances were bad at the least and embarrassing at most, and bridges burned one by one. It was like time turned back, to when her issues controlled her life and she had no one's trust. All the progress she had made was starting to disappear as if it never happened. It was supposed to be one of the happiest, highest points in her life, with the new album selling fast and an upcoming sold out tour, but none of it felt right; because most of the songs she put on this album were written about Jade, and produced by her, and approved by her as the person whose opinion Perrie valued the most. There was nothing fair about being given a taste of the dream, the life Perrie had always wanted, and then having it taken away. 

Although Perrie is definitely one to know that social media never accurately represents reality, she couldn’t help but notice how Jade has been acting as if everything is just fine. She has been going out with friends, and spending time with family, and working around the clock. So in the meantime, Perrie found safety in the public eye. She did endless interviews, and photographers were practically living outside her house at that point, but she stayed silent on both her private and public accounts. She had no idea what kind of game Jade has been playing, but she certainly didn’t want to be a part of it. She couldn’t deceive Jade by making it appear as though everything’s okay, because it wasn’t. 

Yesterday was one of the hardest days of Perrie’s life, and that is a big title considering that there are many to choose from. A well-known magazine had claimed to have an exclusive story about her, and at first, she couldn’t care less. Magazines and tabloids make baseless rumors about her all the time, and these are usually harmless. This time, however, it was different. She could see it in her publicist's eyes as he handed the magazine to her. The article was long and well-written, and the worst part of it all was that it was completely true. While some claims were slightly exaggerated, everything was backed by photo evidence as well as the words of “a reliable source”. The article was about the exceptional number of concerts, appearances and shows that Perrie has cancelled in the past few months due to “being unwell”. While her fans were disappointed to find out they couldn’t see her at such short notices, they also lost money spent on traveling, and she broke many contracts with event organizers. All this time, Perrie was spending time with her ex-girlfriend, Jade Thirlwall. There were pictures in there of them on their vacation on the private island, and in Paris, and everywhere they were sure they were safe. Perrie hated herself for being so innocent to think they weren’t followed this whole time, considering Simon knew her schedule. Even the fact that she thought she fixed everything by paying one photographer to delete the photos on the island; there must have been another photographer that she hasn’t noticed. How could she be so stupid?