Golden

19 - Keep Me Going

“The husband who I thought was the love of my life had cheated on me and then decided he didn’t want to work on our marriage… Is this life? I wondered. Because if this is it, I’m done.” - Demi Moore about her relationship with Ashton Kutcher.

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Jade moved back to her parents’ house. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but she needed to escape, and craved support and familiarity, and this was the only thing she could think of. In Indiana, Jade started going to therapy. She spent more time with her parents than she did in the last five years, and deleted every social media app from her phone. Later on, when she realized it was necessary, she also changed her number. She could contact Perrie if she wanted to, she wrote her number on a piece of paper just in case, but she can't call her. Jade was serious about needing a break from being such a vital part of Perrie’s career, although she didn’t originally mean for it to be that long. What she had in mind was two weeks, maybe even three, but it has already been two months and she is yet to contact Perrie in any way.

Back in LA, before Jade ended her contract with the landlord and gave up her apartment, she couldn’t leave the house without being papped by way too many photographers. Living so close to Perrie turned into a major disadvantage, and for the paparazzi, constantly being on their street was like killing two birds in one stone. Jade made sure to appear as put together as she could every time she left the house. She lived her life as if nothing changed, and even though she missed Perrie, she knew this break was temporary, and for the best.

Everywhere Jade went, she saw Perrie’s face. These weren’t hallucinations - her face was truly all over LA; on billboards, on TV commercials, shelves in the supermarket. She couldn’t get away from her.

The more time had passed, the less Jade was interested in everyday life. Once she finished working with the artists she was already committed to, she stopped accepting new job offers and stayed home all day, because going out was way too stressful. That’s when she got a call from her mother, and to Norma’s surprise, Jade agreed to come visit for an unspecified amount of time. She packed her things as soon as she could and took the first flight back home.

Indiana is safer, calmer. Jade takes a walk in the forest every morning with her dad, and has grown to adore the little violet flowers that are everywhere. One day, she asked her father about them, only to find out they are called Periwinkles. That was the moment she realized that no matter where she is, Perrie is always around her. It’s not only about LA, or Paris, or anywhere else.

Jade began finding herself again. She realized what were the weakest points of her relationship with Perrie. Although Jade loved Perrie with everything in her, and Perrie did the same, they shouldn’t have gotten so invested in each other. Little getaways like Paris were acceptable, but the life they were living in LA wasn’t ideal. In Indiana, Jade realized that when Perrie and her get back together, they must set some boundaries, and not repeat their past mistakes. She is tired of fighting, and feeling like she is being used. All she wants is to love Perrie.

Now, she can’t sleep. She wants to be back in LA, but going back to her roots also meant regaining her ability to make well thought out decisions instead of reckless ones. Since she gave up on her apartment in LA, she needs to find a new place to live, preferably not as close to Perrie’s house as her old apartment was. She wants to take it slow, to rebuild her life differently, and that takes time. She hopes, with everything in her, that Perrie didn’t move on.  How would Perrie react to her return? Where even is she? Is she at home, or halfway across the world? There is no way for Jade to know, as she has disconnected from everything for the past month, ever since going back home. She leaves the bed and turns on the light, then sits down at her desk and pulls out a piece of paper and a pen. Perrie may not be here to listen, but Jade still has a lot to say.