no read only lee

freak

tw: mentions of suicide

so i woke up. i didn't really want to buy here we are. i send a text to the groupchat saying to meet at my dorm in 10 minutes. surprisingly they all obeyed. "what'd you bring us here for?", noya was the first to talk. he sounded angry. why would he be angry i'm the one who should be angry. everyone sat there impatiently looking at me.

that was selfish

noya has every right to be angry at me

its all my fault

its all my fault

and that's

final

"lee wasn't registered as a patient when i visited him yesterday" im finally able to speak up. i can hear various 'whats' and 'huh' being mumbled. "that doesn't make sense, he was just there yesterday. you're joking right, that's not funny,". daichi says. for some reason that really pisses me off. why would i out of all people, lie about my best friend. dummy shit. "why would i joke about that. i've known him longer than all of you. it'd be pretty fucked up if i lire about that." i say, trying my best to remain calm. everyone nods.

why am i so sad

its so heavy

this feeling is

so heavy

i don't know how to explain it

why won't it go away

"you guys can go back to whatever you're doing. i'm gonna make missing posters. bye." i grab my backpack and walk past them as if nothing had happened. i walk outside the dorms. but first i visit the rooftop. i took off my shoes and my coat and sat at the edge of the building.

i wonder what would happen if i just

jumped

the thought fills my head even more than i would like.

it wants my life

it wants complete control

somebody help me before it's bad

somebody help me before i'm dead

i look down. its really far. but it'll be painless if i close my eyes and don't think. i stand up and look down again.

Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get
out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out
of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my
head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get
out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out
of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my
head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get
out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out
of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my
head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head.
Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get
out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out
of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my
head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head.
Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get
out of my head. Get out of my head.
Get.
Out.
Of.
My.
Head.

Get out of my head before I do what I know is best for you.
Get out of my head before I listen to everything they said to me.
Get out of my head before I show you how much I love you.
Get out of my head before I finish thinking.

But a poem is never actually finished.
It just stops moving.

no.

i back away from the rooftop. i put my shoes and coat back on. go back down to the ground. that was weird. i make my way over to the printer shop, i made the posters on my phone last now so i just have to print them out here. i pay the machine a few cents and it began printing out the posters. i gather maybe 50 in my hands and put the rest in my backpack. i began handing them out and putting them on light posts. i was emotional the whole time, as per usual. it was annoying, all of their pitiful condolences and stupid weird looks.

"i'm so sorry sweetie"

"i'll be sure to keep my eye out"

"that must feel horrible, i'm sorry"

"keep your head up darling"

and the looks, please don't even get me started on the looks. some look at me as if i were a freak, some as if i were just a lost kid, some as if they truly felt bad for me.

pit·y
/ˈpidē/
Learn to pronounce
noun
1.
the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others.

it was disgusting.

i blur all their faces out with my mind

don't cry

i am just a freak.