Sound Carries

37.

"Let's get you some ice." Cecily sat perched at the edge of my bed. Her eyes burned with an unspoken fury.

I'd barely managed to get the story out before I'd felt something essential in me collapse in on itself, and then I couldn't say anything at all.

"Don't leave, alright?" Cecily touched my shoulder. "I'm just going down to the kitchen to grab an ice pack."

I nodded, tucking my knees to my chest. I couldn't understand what had just happened, how easily and fluidly the moment had slipped from delirium to a nightmare.

And Colin's face. I couldn't stop seeing it. Would he think I'd betrayed him? Had I betrayed him in those initial moments?

There was a knock at the door. I wiped hastily at my eyes, frozen in place, unable to organize my thoughts into a straight line.

"It's me."

Gabriel.

My heart squeezed, traitorous.

I slid off the bed and towards the door. When I spoke, my voice was nasal. "I'm not letting you in."

"That seems fair." He said. "I – I came to apologize."

"I hope so." I said. "What the fuck was that?"

My feet and my heart both felt numb as I stood and walked to the door.

"I don't have an excuse." Gabriel sounded miserable. "I'm sorry."

"What are you doing here?" Cecily's voice was shrill. "You think you have the right to be here?"

I opened the door, stepped into the hall before I could talk myself out of it.

Gabriel stood a few feet away, gaze cast downward.

Cecily handed me the icepack, eyes asking the unspoken question.

I nodded.

Cecily glared daggers at him. "Fuck you, man."

Gabriel didn't say anything, just watched her as she strode into our room and slammed the door behind her so hard that it bounced open again. She didn't come back to close it.

I held the ice against my wrist and leaned against the doorframe, closing my eyes. I couldn't look at him.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." He whispered. "I'm sorry, Leah. I just – I don't know what came over me."

I could still taste fear beneath my tongue. "I don't believe you."

"What do you mean?"

"I think," I hissed, and the words came out wobbly, not at all the way they sounded in my head, "You're selfish, and you take what you want, and you don't think about other people. Ever."

He sounded uncertain. "I thought you wanted it."

"You thought I wanted it after I said no? What, did you think that just because it happened before it could happen again whenever you wanted?"

He bowed his head, as though in confession. At first, I thought it was because I'd shamed him into silence, but then a tear splattered onto the floor between us.

Gabriel was crying.

"It's been..." He slid down the wall slowly until he landed on the floor. "It's been awful."

I felt my breath catch in my throat. "What's been awful?"

"This semester." He slid the heel of his palm across his cheek, then shook his hand out as though disdainful of his own tears. "Pretending I don't know. I feel like it's been building up inside. I'm a volcano just – waiting."

"Gabriel." I crouched beside him, my own panic momentarily forgotten. "What are you talking about?"

"I'd do anything for her." He was murmuring now, as though I wasn't there. "I'd do anything for her."

"Audra?"

"She could do whatever she wanted to me and I'd still do anything for her." His voice cracked. He didn't look at me. "I thought – before – I thought I was going to marry her. I probably – I'd still."

Revulsion grated against my nerves. Not even an hour before, Gabriel had been with me, and now he was talking about marrying Audra? "What are you saying? Before..."

"You know what I mean." He said miserably, sucking in a desperate gasp, gripping his head between his hands. "I've been watching you figure it out. I'm just – I'm just trying to protect her."

"You're admitting it." I could hear the inflection of awe in my tone.

He shook his head. "You can't tell."

"What?" I shook my head. "You aren't exactly in a position to tell me what to do, here."

He turned, suddenly, gripped my forearm, but let go as though I'd burnt him when I hissed.

I clutched my wrist to my chest.

"Sorry." His voice was strained. "You just – can't. I'm sorting it out."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I could hear my own heartbeat. My question came out as barely more than a whisper. "Gabriel. Did Audra kill Hannah?"

He winced, and turned away.

"Gabriel."

"She's everything. She's all I have."

"Cut the shit, Gabriel. We both know you couldn't care less about her."

A muscle worked in his jaw. "That's not true."

I gripped his shoulder. "Gabriel. Come on."

"I'm just trying to keep her safe."

"Maybe she doesn't deserve safe."

"She does." He bristled. "You don't know anything about this, do you?"

"I know enough."

"She can't go to jail. It's not fair. What happened to Hannah – it was an accident."

"She can't just – get away with it. Gabriel."

His voice was shaky. "Just. Please. Please. Don't say anything to the faculty. Not yet."

"Which part, that you don't know how to take no for an answer or that you're covering for a murderer?"

"Shh!" He glared at me. "You just – you don't know. You don't know what's going on."

"Then tell me."

"I will. I'll tell you everything after the performance tomorrow. Okay?"

I stared at him.

"Promise me." He said. "I'll explain everything. I will. Just don't say anything to anyone tonight."

I bit my lip.

I knew what I should say, but exhaustion loomed, threatening. There was a show to do tomorrow. What was one more day in a hellish semester of days stacked on top of each other?

Slowly, uncertainly, I nodded. "I promise."