Hairy Potter-Addams and the Philosopher's Stone: An Altogether Ooky Tale

The Sorting Hat

Hagrid met the first-years at the platform when the Hogwarts Express arrived. Hairy had never seen such a beautiful sight as the grandiose stone castle, yellow pinpricks of torch light gleaming softly in the windows, rising up from the hill, its reflection wavering in the lake.

It was already dark, but Hagrid had a lantern, and anyway he wasn't easy to miss. As soon as he saw the half-giant, Hairy said, "Come on, Ron, Hermione. I've got to introduce you to Hagrid." He led them across the platform.

The clever young witch called Hermione Granger recognized Hairy at once and was interested in learning about life in New Jersey. Hairy was fascinated by the finer details of dentistry and had many questions about dentists' tools and the pain tolerance of the average human gumline. In short, the two got along famously, though Hermione admitted privately to Neville later that she thought Hairy had "strange interests." Now Hermione was sure she was right about this peculiar boy; he was, unlike the rest of the first-years, enthusiastic to stand in the literal shadow of the largest man Hermione had ever seen.

The other first-years cowered a foot or so away from the bearded fellow with his booming voice; Hairy called out, "Hagrid! Hey! What's good? It's me, Hairy!"

Hagrid embraced the boy with his free arm. "With an 'I' or two 'R's?" he chuckled.

Harry leaned back to look Hagrid in the face. "I guess here it's two 'R's. Eh, crypt/mausoleum, am I right?" He turned to beckon to Hermione and Ron. "This is Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger."

"Friends from the train? Good on yeh, Harry. Hermione, Ron, welcome to Hogwarts. Say, yeh wouldn't happen to be related ter Charlie Weasley, would you? Brilliant young man. I know you've got great things in you, Ron. Excuse me." Hagrid raised his voice. "All firs' years, follow me! Come this way, keep close, now! That's it, come on."

Hagrid led the children to the edge of the glassy lake and helped them in groups of four into the little boats awaiting them. Harry ended up in a boat with Ron, Neville, and an Irish boy called Seamus Finnigan. As the fleet glided across the water, Hagrid's order echoed out to them: "Whatever yeh do, don't rock the boats!"

"'Don't tip the boat over,'" sang Hairy.

"That would be even worse," whimpered Neville.

Seamus had his back to the castle. "We must be gettin' close to the castle. I swear I kin smell the feast." He twisted in his seat, lost his balance, and tumbled overboard with a yelp and a splash.

"Seamus!" Ron made to stand, but Neville held him down on his seat. "Neville, let me go, or I'll--"

His threat died on his lips as a long, pallid thing broke the surface, moonlight reflecting off its glistening skin. It took the boys a moment to realize they were seeing a tentacle. At the end of the thick tentacle, dangling by his ankle, was Seamus, who was in the process of clearing his lungs of lake water. The tentacle gently set Seamus down in the boat, unharmed but for his bruised pride.

Harry was ecstatic. "Squid or octopus?" he asked of Seamus immediately.

"Oh, saints alive," moaned Seamus, his teeth chattering. "It tried tae eat me."

"No, it didn't," said Harry, scanning the depths. "I think she's helpful. She saved you."

Ron argued, "Did you see that thing? Seamus was as good as squid food."

Harry put his hand in the water, hoping the squid would come back. When he felt something smooth, sturdy, and cold brush his fingertips, he smiled; he knew the squid was a gentle spirit. "I don't think so. I'd like to go swimming at some point. I want to meet her myself."