Where it all began

You're not a failure to me

"You may have to fight a battle more then once to win it." - Margaret Thatcher

(Morgan's POV this chapter is happening at the same time as the last one )

I look to my side at Elle smiling peacefully in her sleep. These days that was the only time she ever smiled. She used to be a ball of fire and passion. These days she was a pit of sadness and sorrow. I tried my best to get her to open up to me but that wasn't my specialty and she was just about as stubborn as Prentiss or Hotch. There was only one thing I didn't talk about... one thing that I tried not to even think about. Carl. Carl Buford. The one that ruined my life. I can't even say that much for him look where I am now. I work in the FBI. I've got a beautiful girlfriend. Triplets on the way. On the outside I had the perfect life. On the inside I felt extremely broken. And to be honest I don't know how to fix it. I could talk to Elle like I used to but she's in a lot of pain all the time and I seriously don't want to add to that. I got up out of bed and rolled into the kitchen. A few moments later Elle walked into the kitchen in her pajamas smelling the warm pancakes.

"Smells delicious." She proclaimed simply. She walked over and wrapped her arms around my neck staring into my eyes. It was a very simple gesture yet it made a big deal to me. Especially because it was her.

"I look like a whale." She said exasperated.

"Elle. Darling. Sweetie. Hot stuff. I know JJ has told you this 100 times and Emily probably has too. You're carrying triplets, you're almost nine months and your smaller then them."

"Are you calling me a baby whale?" I started laughing and we made the bed about to head out of the door for work.

"Hot stuff, I just realized something. We never got dressed." Elle look at me and then looks down at the giant t-shirt she's wearing.

"I guess we didn't." We stood across from each other, undressed and redressed while talking about names for the babies. While we were at work Elle seemed almost like the person I started dating. We were talking about the first time we met and how she told me the only time I would ever see a little leg from her was when she was going to kick my ass. I walked passed her with some files.

"Hey hot stuff. I've seen your leg. It was more then a little bit too." She playfully punched me in the arm.

"Oh did you. Or was that my rite aid leggings." She paused for a moment. "Nah, it was my leg." Spencer walked in the room.

"Why are we talking about legs?" He said rightfully confused.

"Just Derek over here not remembering how sore he was the day after he saw my leg." My eyes widened in shock.

"Ellie. Not the time or the place!" I practically yelled.

"Your the one that brought it up." She said calmly flipping through her files. We went back to silence for a few hours until she broke it.

"Agh my water broke." She screamed.

"Your kidding." I said seriously.

"You're right I am kidding." We started laughing. This is how the days used to be all the time.

We went home and ate salad for dinner. I get in the shower and come out in my towel expecting to see Elle sitting on the bed in one of my t-shirts like always. She's gone. I really really hope she isn't breaking up with me. I thought things were going great. I pulled on my boxers and a pair of shorts and walked around the house trying to find her. Eventually I heard someone breathing heavily from behind a chair in the corner.

I lean over the chair to see Elle curled up in a ball behind the chair. Her entire face was completely covered in tears. Her makeup all over the place. Her hair all out of place. She hadn't noticed me looking at her and flinched when I grabbed under her shoulders and pull her out from behind the chair onto my lap straddling me. For a second she just sat there her hands on her face not looking at me in any way. Moments that seem like hours pass until she relaxes her body and stops trying to hold back her sobs. She clings onto my shoulders and buries her face in my neck sobbing until my torso is as wet with tears as her shirt. Then she slowly falls asleep laying on me. This was something that never ever happened. I don't think she has ever let a tear slip in front of me before this. When I knew she was in a deep sleep I carefully carried her to our bedroom placing her in the middle of the bed. I laid down beside her and wrapped my arm around her torso pulling her close. Every once in a while she would quiver or whimper or cry in her sleep and I knew she was having a bad dream. She has them often but usually not this intense. She was broken. That's why she had suddenly changed. She was shutting down. Shutting everyone out. She thought it was the only way to deal with her pain. I got up before her and took the time to wipe the makeup off her face and comb her pretty brownish-red hair before she woke up. I had called Hotch to ask for a day off so I could help her or find someone who could. He said he had just gone through a very similar moment with Emily. She woke up to me holding her tightly next to me.

"You stayed with me? Why would you do that just for me? I mean I know we live together but your trying to make me feel safe I can tell."

"Elle." I started. "I don't think everything is okay." I took a deep breath. "Is there something important on your mind." She looked like I had just told her she needed to eat an electric saw while it was moving.

"I-I I uh-um, I." She stuttered.

"Take it easy. Just roll with it. Don't try to make it make sense." She rolled over and looked at me tightly gripping my hand.

"I, uh, I asked Hotch about Anderson. The one who brought me home the day I was shot. And Hotch um he said the poor guy went off the deep end he felt so bad and so uh the last time Hotch heard he was in a car accident with a drunk driver. The thing is he was the drunk driver. And and I can't help but think it's my fault. What if these babies are born and I go off and get shot and they're falling off the deep end and I'm-I'm afraid that that I-I-I won't notice until it too late and I'll fail you and I'll fail the team again and I'll fail everyone. I know I seem like I have everything under control but uh I really scared and I'm really broken and I don't know how to express that." I could tell that speech was hard for her.

"I'm always here. You can talk to Rossi. If your ever facing doubts come to me first because you will never be a failure to me."

"I'll um. I'll try."

A/N
That's done. If you have any comments or requests or criticism comment about it I read the few comments I fo get. Also I'm think I'm going to start doing quotes at the beginning of each one.

~JR