On Thin Ice

50

Control was never something I was graced with in my life. It always seemed as if some invisible force was steering me, giving me the illusion of free will while keeping me on the same path. It was like I was a side character in my own life, everything happening to me being a result of others around me. Choices were never mine.

Until I came out, everything was planned for me by my mother. Then on that fateful day, I took charge and changed the path. That one act of defiance was the only control I had in my life up until that point. But as soon as I did that, the control was gone again.

Emptiness wasn't a new feeling to me, but it had been a while since I felt it.

My body was hollow as I laid on my side, staring at the wall from my bed that night. A warm tear swam down my face and dripped on my pillow as my insides shriveled up.

I was breaking down.

One thought consumed me to the point where I didn't want to move. The thought that everything bad that had happened to Fox after he came out was because of me was what haunted me. He had gotten accosted and abused when, before I had come into his life, he never had been treated that way.

When your mind chooses to focus on the one thing that could eat you alive, it made you feel helpless. No matter what I did, my mind wouldn't leave that thought. That was when I knew I still had no control in my life. I couldn't even control my own mind.

Fox's comforting words only helped as he was speaking them to me. Once we were apart, the words left me and I was back to drowning in my guilt.

He deserved better, a lot better than what he got for being with me.

The ride back from Fox's house was silent. Even if Josh had tried to talk to me, I didn't know it. I was too lost in my head to hear anything outside of it.

When my bedroom door opened, I didn't even turn to look and see who it was. They shut the door behind them, then walked around the bed and stood in front of me.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ian asked, his hands on his hips as he looked down at me with narrowed eyes.

I didn't answer, keeping my eyes glued to the wall. Ignoring Ian was working until he got down on a knee to put his face in front of mine.

"Should I get Josh?" he asked. Ian looked concerned, his mouth pulled down in a frown and his eyes softening.

"No," I drawled out in a low, raspy tone, my own voice sounding foreign to me.

"I feel like I need to do something but I don't know what," Ian admitted, continuing to stare at me with a wary expression. "I tried calling you to see if I could stay over, but you didn't answer."

"You don't have to ask," I told him, turning over to lie on my back.

Ian stood up, looking down at me with a hard expression, his eyes and mouth pinching on his face.

"What happened?" he asked. "Is it Fox?"

"Leave it alone, Ian," I muttered, staring straight up at the ceiling.

I wanted him to leave me alone, but I didn't voice that in fear of him leaving the house altogether and going back to his own.

"Well, are you just moping or are you actually going through something right now?" Ian questioned, sounding more irritated.

"I don't get into your business, you don't get into mine."

Ian scoffed, rolling his eyes at me and sitting down on the bed.

"You know my business," he started. "You know my mom hits me, and makes me pay for all of my own shit, and steals my money. That's my business and you already knew that."