Here in the In-Between

22 : On the Spot

Wednesday, July 22nd
1:16 AM

"Sexist, racist, gay

When I was in middle school I defined people by labels.

Jerk, horny, stupid

I got my yearbook and in bright red pen, I labeled every student I knew.

Blonde, blonde, bland

But then a few really great people showed me that I was being blind. That some people have simple lives, but everyone is complex."

Would you read a book with that description?

A story about a very flawed girl who labelled her classmates. A story about kids who have tough lives and make bad decisions. A story about friendship and kindness and forgiveness.

I would read that story in an instant. I came up with it on the spot. It is full of everything I've ever wanted, acceptance and love and friends and a family even if they aren't blood related. A reason to believe in humanity again, a reason to think this world is more than murderers, thevies, rapists, miscarriages, unhappy endings, abuse, racism, sexism, hatred, pollution, and suicide as in a person-to-person level and worldwide.

But guess fucking what?

We are being ruled by idiots, our mothers belittle, our fathers leave, our grandparents misunderstand, our friends relate, we follow like sheep.

People with good lives, I hope you thank whatever you believe in every fucking day.

People who have recovered, there will always be those who live on but don't get better.

My sister-in-law has major depression and has had it since she was twelve. She has no signs of recovery. Not everyone gets better, it doesn't always get better. I wish people would stop lying about that, because she works everyday. For her sick daughter, for her abusive husband, for her stupid siblings, for her pathetic grandma, for her depressed sister-in-law.

So if "everything will get better" why does she still have depression and suicidal thoughts? Why is her body shutting down piece by piece? Why is her world falling apart still? Why is the world not giving her the karma she deserves? Why is she fucked, a destiny that is unstoppable? Why do people say "everything will get better" when that's not guaranteed?

It pisses me off.

It pisses me off so much.

I spoke to my grandma about divorcing my mother as my guardian. She has known about the abuse for years and she said, "Why don't you want to be with your mom? What's wrong?"

She doesn't forget really important things, she doesn't forget in general.

I couldn't explain it to her. I couldn't take reliving the moments all over again, more than what I already do, so I mumbled and stayed quiet and listened as she talked.

She offered temporary solution after temporary solution. That's when I truly lost all hope.

I wanted to scream, "Because every second of every day I imagine my death, most suicide and some pure accidents or even the occasional murder"

But I stayed silent. For all of those who haven't been abused, it's hard for me to explain why we stay silent.

Our abusers have power. If you had been abused since you were little, you believe it to be normal. I used to be afraid to swear because my mom doesn't like it, I thought she would somehow find out I did and then I would be hurt. I stopped trusting people, especially after the school asked my mom if she was abusing me, and therefore talking about it was hard when I was younger. When your abuser goes into their physically abusive mode you get scared and you either hide and pray for it to go away or you freeze. Otherwise they will say little things with big impact, making you believe you're weak and which makes you far too afraid or even attatched to run. With your guardian(s) they have raised you, you trust their words and actions. Or you don't but you believe you have anywhere to go because you don't learn about CPS when you're that young unless you were like me and watched Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Or you do know about that but have no way of getting help, I didn't get any electronic devices till I was ten. A tablet for Christmas. Couldn't contact people if I wanted. I got my first phone at twelve and that was when I thought my mother's abusive behaviors were normal. It was permanently taken away for literally no reason, hell my mom still has and uses that tiny thing along with her three other phones. I only recently got my current phone. I'm a high schooler.

One time a person commented on a book with an abused main character, "Why don't they just leave?" And then someone or even they went on to say a book they wrote had a character who was abused, but called the cops when they were like seven. Unrealistic, that very rarely happens.

At least do a little research before writing about such a sensitive topic, although the book I was reading was pretty extreme with the abuse.

It very rarely is properly represented in media, books, movies, shows, etc. I understand why. People who haven't been abused make it, and abuser victims either don't want to write about their trauma, don't know how to, or others find it unrelatable and it is lost in the wind. Plus, all abuse is different. It can be put under emotional/mental or physical abuse but everyone's experiences are different.

The world is just an awful place.

Hi, I'm Harmony.