loving ain't easy [jj maybank]

chapter 9

kath
"i- uh.." i sputter, not knowing what to say back. i haven't given my thoughts enough thinking time lately to know if i love him. i know i have feelings, but do i actually love him?
"kath?" jj looks at me. we both had a lot of problems in our childhood, and never grew up knowing what to do in these type of situations. my fight or flight response takes over, controlling my brain on autopilot.
"i'm sorry jj, i just uh- i don't know." i quickly stand up and start to run. i don't know where I'm running to, but i can hear jj calling after me. i keep running, and running. i just need alone time. i get to my favourite spot on the beach, and i sit down and sift through the sparkly rocks. i pull my oversized sweater over my knees, and watch the sunset.
"this life is so fucked up." i mutter, throwing a rock at the water. i wish my dad was here. i feel so lost without him, even though i have all my friends & their parents. i lay back on the sand, listening to the soft sound of the waves while i watch the stars.

when i wake up, the sun is rising and birds are chirping. i sit up & stretch. i head into town to the 24 hr convenience store to grab some food for everyone & then i walk back to the chateau. when i get there, everyone's inside sleeping so i sit on the dock with my feet in the water, just thinking. i wish i could run away from everything and everyone, including myself. i probably ruined everything between jj and i. i really like him, but i don't know how to show it, let alone say it out loud to him. it feels like im trapped in my own head. a couple tears fall from my eyes.
"guys she's back!" pope yells. i sniffle and quickly wipe my tears. i stand up and walk towards the house. "where the hell were you?! we spent hours looking everywhere!" kie storms out of the house. "i was sleeping on the beach." i say, holding my hands up.
"why didn't you say where you were going? we were actually really worried." pope chimes in.
"i just needed to be alone." i mutter.
"we're gonna go get breakfast from the wreck, we'll be back." kie nods, dragging john b and pope to the van. i go inside, and sit down beside a sleeping jj. i smile, and move a piece of his hair out of his face.
"morning mom." he mutters.
"i'm not your mom." i giggle. he opens his eyes, and quickly sits up.
"you're ok." he smiles.
"yeah, i guess i'm okay." i nod.
"i'm sorry for last night ." jj apologizes.
"don't be. i think i just didn't know how to react. i like you a lot, trust me. i just don't know how to like express it, y'know?" i answer him. he nods in complete understanding.
"cuddles?" i ask after a few seconds of silence.
"always." he smiles slightly.
"sleeping on the beach wasn't that comfy." i laugh, taking my sweater off. he lifts the fuzzy blanket up for me to get under.
"hey jj." i say.
"mhm?"
"are we a thing?"
"only if you want to be." he plays with my hair. i look up at him, kiss him. he places his hand on my cheek gently, and kisses me back.
if i don't learn how to love someone now, when will i ever? i already know my heart is going to get broken, so as long as i don't get attached, i'll be fine. my eyes start to feel heavy so i lean back against jj and close my eyes.

when i wake up again, i hear jj trying to shush everyone. i lay on the pullout couch, not wanting to get up because im comfy, so i just listen.
"alright, i have to get home." pope says.
"i'll take you, maybe this afternoon the 4 of us could go to the outdoor movie theatre since who knows where john b is?" kie suggests.
"yeah sure." jj says. i hear kie and pope walk off the porch so i get out of the bed and make it all neat. i walk outside and stretch.
"wanna hit?" jj passes me the blunt. i nod, taking a hit.
"wanna go fishing, then head over to kie's?" i ask. jj nods, going in to grab his backpack. i grab my kanken backpack that kie bought me, put in some cash and my baja hoodie, and change my clothes. i put on a plain black bikini, an oversized patagonia shirt i borrowed from kie, and some hurley surf shorts.
jj drives us out to the marsh and we fish for about 3 hours, catching a pretty good amount. we look at the time and jj lets me drive us to kie's dock where her and pope are waiting for us. i wave as jj tosses her the ropes.
"we did some fishing, caught a decent amount too." i say, getting onto the dock.
"that's good because you guys are running out of money." pope says.
"not for long." i wink. the gold is my main priority. i need to finish what my dad started, no matter the cost.

a/n: 898 words! i'm losing interest in this story rlly fast not gonna lie but i am determined to finish it for everyone reading this💗