His eyes of euphoria

Redamancy

Why do I love when love is never worth the cost, or I suppose it's not. Then I dance again, I smile insatiable on rooftops. Body amiss within thirst.

That's why love is worth the price, as it's immeasurable.
                              -Y 
Matthew

The taste of cement at my chest compartmentalised my hope and desire. What was I.

And why was it so wrong to be such.

Why did I have to be such.

Every cascading waterfall, cheeks rosy, now loathing the very embers he made feel desirable. Those features that he said drew him into me, but I knew for that moment it should have drowned him.

He should've been disgusted at what we became: what I was, what he allowed himself to be. right?
I knew no certainty and that's what I hated most.

I wasn't like him to dismiss, forget those stones throne at my head. I couldn't look from the burning flags nor the riots or from Mathew.

My name was no longer biblical, but it was an anagram of stories lost to scripture. My name bore blood, my name was not mine. My name made me lament, made my abhorrent skin turn green when I put Shepard to the end of it.

My name meant loss.

I hated everything I represented when I missed him.

And so I cried until lamenting was ended by tire and drought. Until I couldn't lift an arm to my face or limp ness off bedroom floor.

"Hi James"

I couldn't stay away, like a child and a cookie jar.

"Hi, are you okay? You sound off."

I began breathing heavily through the line so my erratic heartbeat wouldn't drown out my thoughts. I scrambled for lies to tell him, for new ammo as I, a marksman.

"Matthew"

"Can I- you come over, please."

"Okay I'm on my way"

"Bye"

"See you, pooh"

It was less than 20 minutes until he stood frantic and dishevelled at my door. The sight of light hitting his curls pulled me out of those walls for a moment, left me in awe for a moment.

"What happened," he clutched my face until it stung.

"I- he," I took in a breath "I told Adam that I'm gay."

He looked bewildered, mouth agape like a fish. I wondered what he saw behind my words as fear began rising in his fingertips, turning them pale and freezing.

"why''

I couldn't even answer that. I felt so stupid.

"I don't know''

"Is he mad," that was many horrors hidden in one. He knew what would happen if his anger appeared.

"I don't know"

He danced with those same devils I did, you saw it in his distance.
So I tried to rescue him.