Emma Field Book I - coming of age in the changing times of the mid-19th century

Chapter XXV - Dancing with John

It was the night of the Thomas Morgan and Jessie Mills's wedding dance. Emma, with a lantern in her hand, met John outside the Mills's stable.

"Good evening! You are here already? We could have given you a ride, you know," said John.

Emma shrugged and held the lantern in line with the mare's withers.

"Say, what were you doing at Mastins' swamp on Christmas Day?" John asked, undoing the traces of the harness. "I meant to ask you before."

Emma stepped back and glanced toward the road. "I don't believe you would want to know," she said, shaking her head.

"Yes, I would. What were you doing?"

"Consoling myself, I suppose."

"Why? Why did you need to console yourself?"

"Because I was lonely." She crossed her arms. "Because everyone else had family to spend Christmas with and I guess because I was angry with Father. He didn't tell me that we'd been invited to the Coopers' and that he'd turned the invitation down. It would have been so nice to have had people around. That's what Christmas is about, isn't it?"

"Just because a family is together doesn't mean that they have a good time and enjoy one another's company. ...Here – would you hold the shalves for me? Walk on, Blaze."

"I know that. Don't patronize me, John Williams. Just forget about it."

"I'm sorry. You said you felt lonely on Christmas day."

Emma nodded her head. "Father wants what's best for me...but it's so boring with just the two of us. It's so lonely. He just doesn't understand. On one hand he wants me to succeed – you know how he wants me to be a school teacher – yet in every other way he pulls me back.

"He is so careful, so frugal. Do you know how easy it was to make this pelerine for my dress? All these years the Coopers have been giving me clothes and I didn't think I had the right to ask for anything else – and I didn't really – and I am grateful for all of them; but it was so easy to make this pelerine and make my plain dress look pretty. I wanted to thank Mrs. Henderson for her help so I told Father I was going to bake something for her. Do you know what he said? He told me I needed to be careful with how much flour I used!

"Although he says he wants me to do well, he is always, always pulling me back – as if he's stopping a pendulum on a clock. I know I should be more grateful. I have so much more than most people..."

John shrugged. "It doesn't matter about most people. You aren't most people, as far as I can see.

"You are so lucky to be surrounded by a big family. You have a bright future ahead of you."

"That I do; but jealousy will get you nowhere, Emma."

"Now you are sounding just like a Quaker."

"I take that as a compliment."

"Take it as you like, but I have every right to be jealous of you. You're a young man, John. The world supports you in doing what you want to do! The world doesn't do that for a woman!"

"What do you want to do?" John turned the mare's head toward the barn and clicked his tongue. Emma walked beside them, holding the lantern high.

Inside the barn John asked again, "What do you want to do?"

Emma kicked the straw with her boot. "Make a difference, I suppose,"

"In what way?"

"I don't know yet."