The Gate

12. Home Alone

Jane-Anne Pearce

"Are you okay?" A panicked voice asked. I could feel cold arms embrace me, shocking me awake.

"Mom?" I asked, disoriented. I couldn't even remember falling asleep last night.

"It's me." said Mom, frowning. "Are you alright?" She placed her hand on my forehead carefully. "I think you might have a fever." It was the most motherly I've seen her act in a while. "Do you want me to stay with you?" Mom asked.

"No, I feel fine." I answered groggily. It was the truth, considering that my mysterious headache had vanished. Rowan was right, I felt a lot better now that it was morning. "What's going on?"

Mom looked down. "Something happened last night. It's Rowan."

"What happened?" I asked, a panic already taking root in my chest.

"She was found frozen. We're not entirely sure how it happened." Mom explained, her demeanor cold and calm.

"No." I said. "She's not..." I had just called her, and she was fine. "Can I visit her?" I asked.

"Rowan is in critical condition, and no one can see her right now. Your father's swamped by all of the repercussions, and I need to help things on my end." Mom explained.

"I need to see her!" I protested.

Mom and I were polar opposites of each other. She was always collected and emotionless, and I was prone to outbursts. I could tell that Mom was annoyed by my emotional response right now by the subtle way her mouth twitched. Over the years, I've gotten a bit better at reading her emotions. But despite my best efforts, her real thoughts remained a mystery to me.

"No one can see Rowan right now, not even her family." said Mom. "If you want, I can get Kiara to stay with you while I go."

"They have their own lives." I said. "I'll be fine." Mom left reluctantly, guilty about leaving me alone.

I sat frozen on my bed, unable to fully process the news. It was a weird kind of shock, like the feeling when I woke up in Atalka General and someone told me that I almost died.

"It's all my fault." I said, crossing my arms. "I should have been more careful."

"What are we talking about, exactly?" Dr. Pater asked.

"Do you think that Rowan and Carter are ever going to forgive me?" I asked.

"These things take time. I know that it's hard, and that having  to sit still is painful, but it's necessary. Carter probably needs time to heal. So do you." said Dr. Pater gently. "Now, is there anything else you want to talk about?"

I knew that she wanted me to circle back to the attack. That's why Mom was paying for these therapy sessions anyway.

"What am I supposed to say?" I asked. "I don't remember what happened that day. Sometimes I think I hear her screaming about her son when there's no one around, and sometimes I think she's still watching me. I know it's not real, but I don't know when it's going to stop." Dr. Pater was scribbling notes, nodding for me to continue. "The only thing I remember for sure was the look on everyone's face when I woke up. They were so panicked. I was told so many times that I should've died, but I didn't. It was some miracle." I continued.

"Why do you sound upset about that?" Dr. Pater nudged me.

"Because I feel like the universe wasted a miracle on me. I'm not worth it." I said finally.

I washed my face, trying to forget about the endless sessions, the looks of pity I got at school, and the way Carter would glare at me from across the hall. I wanted to make the memories stop and undo all of my mistakes, but I couldn't. I sighed and dug through my pencil case for the best writing utensil and opened my diary to the next blank page.