The Gate

30. A Confession

Lena Matthews

Dear Diary,

When I first learned about the Forbidden, the nightmares were horrible. I saw that woman from the mall every night, pleading with me for mercy. Then I'd hear a loud bang and she would crumple to the floor lifelessly.

In the end, it wasn't Finn or this stupid diary that helped me tackle my insomnia. It was my dad. The more he talked to me about the Forbidden and trained me to attack, the less scary the nightmares became.

Night after night, the woman contorted. Her wounds would fade, her voice would fade, and her eyes would be filled with anger instead of love. She would stand straighter, and I would see her with fangs, like the vampire that had attacked my mom years ago. Eventually, the bang stopped being scary.

It became my favorite part.

I stopped being guilty and started being angry because it was easier, and my dad facilitated that more than anyone else. The idea that the Forbidden are murderous, mindless creatures with human faces is the Agency's greatest lie, and I believed it. So did Mom, Dad, and Finn.

Now, here I am. I think I've already made my decision. It's time to do the right thing. Today, I have my private meeting with the Forbidden Court. Today, I'm going to tell them the truth.

I ripped the page out of my diary and stared at it. I didn't need any evidence of what I was about to do lying around the house. I closed my eyes and focused, waiting for fire to appear at my fingertips.

It didn't.

As hard as I tried, I couldn't feel that familiar heat inside of me. It was dead, overtaken by vines and leaves. I opened my eyes, confused. I hadn't realized that a part of myself had been closed off.

"Do the fire thing." I muttered out loud, cupping my hands. I sighed when nothing happened. "Whatever."

Even though it wasn't as dramatic, I ripped the paper into tiny, illegible pieces and threw them away. I needed to get to Jane-Anne's house soon if I was going to be on time for my meeting. I made sure to dress up for the occasion, and was wearing the same outfit as my trial. I had actually attempted to braid my hair, but it didn't work out. I ended up tying it back into a ponytail. That would have to do for now.

"Where are you going?" Finn asked as I walked downstairs.

"Jane-Anne's." I answered, not slowing down as I made my way to the door.

"Okay..." said Finn slowly. "Lena, are you alright? You've been acting a little off."

I stopped dead in my tracks. "Off? How?" I asked.

"I don't know, I just feel like something's been bothering you." Finn elaborated.

"Nothing's bothering me." I said defensively. "I'm going to be late." I sped up, anxious to make it outside where everything felt a little bit better. I couldn't avoid Finn forever, but I could definitely try.

When I knocked on Mrs. Pearce's door, I felt like I was interrupting something. Mrs. Pearce let me inside while holding a casual conversation with one of the justices. She was laughing at something someone had said, and paused when she saw me.

"Hey Ivy! We're going to get started in a second." said Mrs. Pearce, smiling. She turned behind her. "Ivy wa koko ga ikimasu!" She called.

"Wakata!" Someone, probably Mrs. Moriyama, called back.

"Come in." said Mrs. Pearce. Her initial cheerfulness was quickly vanishing, replaced by her serious facade. I found myself doubting that I had even seen her smile in the first place.