Licans deal. Her soul to live

All I have ever known

Alone. That's all I felt. That is all i have ever felt in my 18 years of life. No friends, no neighbors, no sisters or even family. I was an only child. Bittersweet really, at least no one else had to endure my hell with me. Yet, as selfish as it was i wanted someone to talk to. I wanted to tell someone about what was happening to me. I wanted someone to tell me its all going to be ok. To comfort me when I cried. To hug me when I was said. To speak to about anything.I wanted someone. But misery was my only companion and i welcomed her every hour of every day. I imagine if I had a friend misery would be it. But  I've been alone for 18 years and I know I'll be alone for 18 more.  That is wish full thinking I don't end this endless torture before than.
Life has just been cruel to me. Unkind. Harsh in everywhere it only gave me a father who only loved to drink. He liked alcohol more than anything. He was intoxicated about 60 percent of time. Not that that can ever be an excuse to what he has done to me. Nothing can take back the beatings, the whippings the lashes and the constant emotional bullying. He had a routine he liked it. He stuck to it beatings, and bullying and eating, and ofcours drinking. An endless cycle.
I want to say it wasn't always this way. I want to say we had happy memories but I'm not sure I even know what those are. I guess it started after mom died. Mom had died giving birth to me. Complications along the way and emergency c section. I guess it was either her or me and she chose me. I wish to god she hadn't. I wish she would have just let me die but fate was cruel and took her instead. I didnt even get a chance to see her smile or hear her laugh. I'll never have her their to tell me I'm gonna be OK or not to worry it's only a phase. I don't get those mother daughter moments. I wish more than anything I did. But why did such an angel have to leave and why did the devil have to live with me? Why couldn't I be free ?
I guess my dad drank to hide the guilt. Maybe it was the shame or maybe it was the heart break. I guess shame from what he does to me. The more he hit me over the years the more he drank. He drinks to hide his guilt. He can't stop hitting me because he hates himself more when he is sober. When he actually understands what he has done he drinks to forget. He likes to pretend that he didnt beat his daughter merciless . he drinks so the guilt of my bruises and scars don't catch up to him. When need sees them it angers him more knowing he did it.  He can't control his anger and he just unleashes it out on me. Ive been his personal punching bag. Maybe cause i look like her. Maybe he use to hit her too. He sometimes calls me by her name "ophelia" when he is very drunk. Those nights the hits get harder.Maybe because she chose me over living here with him. She knew the risk of her pregancy but thought i was worth it.Maybe he wasn't always this way but he is a monster now. A monster with no mercy.. He blamed me
Hated me.
All his hate made me hate life.made me hate this house made me hate myself. No 18 year old should have scars burns and bruises scattered over there body. Yet every time I looked in the mirror all i saw was a broken, sad defeated girl. My green eyes had no life to them. Dark heavy circles  around them. My check bones were prominant yet swollen from last nights hit. My lips chapped and bitten from all my anxiety and stress. My long brown hair was braided reaching above my hips yet was sore from the constant pulling. My skin although was tan was pale. Being locked in this house and never getting any out door time will do that to someone. My clothes were plain and not even my size. Hell I didnt even have shoes  i wasn't allowed to leave the house. However I had socks to keep my feet warm.
Rick(my father) who shouldnt even be given that title was a camera technician. So our house was under constant survalliance making any attempt I had to escape impossible. Had I had any neighbors I would have tried to get help. I often wondered would they help? Would they call the police or would they be like John.
John was a surgeon. An old friend of my fathers. Although they were the same age my 45 year old father looked older. All the years of drinking and smoking had caught up to him. His gut stuck out and once hazel eyes now looked dark and lifeless. The veins his eyes stuck out and he had dark rings around his eye. His balding hair was now receding a lot more and his wrinkles around his mouth were prominant. John however took care of himself although his look was unsettling. Creeepy almost. He was slender and had circular glasses. He had light this brown hair that he purposely combed over to one side. His pants were belted especially high while his crinkled shirt was overly tucked into his pants. He wanted to look innocent and kind but he creeped me out more. To my unfortunate fate I had met him a couple times to stitch me up whenever rick got out of control. When I first met him he came and was shocked by the sight of me. A 14 year old girl holding leg while blood gushed out in the kitchen floor. Dad had been wasted and threw a plate at my leg for not getting his beer fast enough. When the bleeding wouldn't stop I begged him to take me to the hospital. John appeared 20 minutes later. I guess he had known about me but never really cared enough to see me. When he rushed to my side he spoke fast in what seemed to be urgent words
"Rick what happened to her, shes loosing a lot of blood." He said
Rick simply replied with "sew her the fuk up and shut up"
"You can't treat her like his what would Ophelia have done if she saw you now john blurted out.
In two seconds my dad had johns throat in his hand “if you ever mention her again or speak about what you have seen then those underaged  girls u like to touch so often and brag about might just be made public you hear me he said shaking johns reddening throat.
"Yyyes.. Yes its not my business and its not worth loosing a license over either he mumbled.
Once those words were spoken i knew I needed none. John was not my saviour he would not help me escape this place. I was trapped and this man was just as disgusting as Rick. After hearing about those girls i wanted to throw up. I wanted to make sure he nevee touched anyone again.i wanted to save them.but i couldnt So I sat there while he stiched me up and let me tears roll down my face in silence. Not because of the pain but because I knew this was it. Forever here with him.

These memories these bruises these sinful pasts will always be here
Ive been homeschooled since i was 8 years old. Everything was done online. Rick had given me a old computer in my room. It takes about 10 minutes to start up and its locked. It only opens to my online school site. Theres no phone in the house either. And the security cameras everywhere. Seeing as their are no neighbors and rick has all the passwords ecasping would be impossible. I tried once to contact 911 through the system on the security app on the wall. It wasn't connected and seeing as that was ricks system he knew I tried. I couldn't walk on my right leg for 2 months after that. He broke it and that disgusting excuse of man named John casted me up. He layed his hand on my thigh a lot when he thought my dad wasn't looking.
"Until next time my sweet xyria" he had said to me. I knew then if he came back again i wouldn't be safe. So I made sure to never try to leave again.  I couldnt risk a broken bone, or seeing him again. My gut feeling told me it wouldnt end well for me.