Licans deal. Her soul to live

Enough

Somewhere along the course of sitting there with silent tears ,I had calmed down. Looking at the ground at the mess and my bloody hand I wondered had this changed anything? Would today be any different? By screaming my voice away and throwing this tantrum had that in any way made it better? No. Because now I had a hand to patch up and a floor to clean. I had more of a mess than we I started. And above all this above all the chaos, I felt shame. I was ashamed I lashed out in such horrible behavior. Its like I saw my self smash everything and I wanted to but I guess I didnt want to clean it.I wanted it to vanish away like every piece of hope I had. I wanted it to magically clean it self up. But my hand was starting to sting and I could feel my check swelling .
So I got up. And I cleaned. Like I knew I would. Defeat. I couldn't leave this message. He would have literally wiped my whole body in it. Probably make me eat the glass at this piont.
So I grabbed the trash can and carefully sweeped and tossed the broken pieces of glass into the trash. I wiped the stained tile flooring from the food splatters. I swiped the beer bottle shards into the bin. I cleaned the counters regardless of my stinging hand and now thanks to my mess some more cuts on my hand. By the time i was done my tantrum and self loathing I glanced at the o'clock.
"Shit" I growled.10:15 I'm late for my final classes. This was it  i was finishing up my last week of highschool classes online. 
With heavy feet I walked upstairs picking out shards of class in my palm. I went to flick on my room light and turned on my computer. The old piece of crap needed at least 10 minutes to start up anyway so I had time to clean my wounds. As I walked into my bathroom my reflection disappointed me more than this morning. I had what looked like grease stains on my shirt . water from washing the dishes . my hair looked like a lion attacked . my arm had both old and dry blood on it from my palm and huh. Look at that. The bastard was right my face really could use some ice.  A small chuckle escaped my lips. The smallest. And then 3 seconds later another one. And another one right after until I was full blown laughing hysterically. I was laughing so hard my bruised stomach hurt but I didnt care I kept going. I guess after my outrage and frustration it all seemed so animal like and my appearance looked derannnaged. I rather got a reall good kick out of my self. I had finally settled down and found tweezers and alcohol.
I slowly washed my hand from the blood wincing when I hit a sensitive area. Onnce dry, I held it under the light and found the shards of glass. I guess I didnt know my own strength because they were pretty in there. I got a satisfying feeling as they hit the sink with a clunk.one by one. Once I was sure none were left I put alcohol on my wounda no longer wincing, I guess my hand went a little numb from all my tweezing and bandaged my hand right up. I took my left hand and  brushed out my hair.letting it hang wavy down my back and headed toward the computer.
3 hours late my head was hurting. My hand was in stinging and my face felt full. Believe me when I say I wont miss these classes. Yes I learned everything I needed from highschool but it just wasn't the same. I'd log on read, answer questions then do exams. It was more formal and unsettling I didnt like it.
Realizing I needed some ice I switched off the dome of a computer and went to the kitchen.
A cool breeze hit me as I stepped around the corner.
"Ahhhh, that feels good" I spoke to my self. I went to the freezer and grabbed some peas and slowly applied them to my face. I walked toward to the window. Any remains of my tantrum long gone. I pulled up a chair and Inhaled that beautiful smell. It was woosdy yet fresh and I just wanted that pure smell aroma aroma around me. Relief. I could feel the rain on my face.I could feel the cold wind. And if I closed my eyes I would feel free.."ahh" I let out repeatedly as I inhaled and exhaled. It felt nice.I felt OK. I didnt feel anxious or scared or worried but I felt OK. Oh this feeling how I wish it would stay. I was getting a little tired from my short lived stand of peace. I guess having a breakdown can really do that to a person. so I walked over to the living room and laid on the coach.
I flicked on the TV but Rick kept all the good channels locked so I had a small variety to choose from. Today I chose a kids cartoon. It was a lesson about manners.  Ironic seeing as Rick never had any. One of the many countless things missing in his life. But these cartoons were refrreashing. I liked watching them. So pure i thought. Kids are just so innocent. Unknowing of this cruel world. So pure. I kept the bag of peas on my face as I watched.

I woke up startled. At first I didnt releaze i had fallen asleep. Until the melted peas now soaked my shirt."shit, oh no oh no no no, please don't be late please don't be late I begged my self as I shot to the kitchen to check the time .my heart stopped.it froze this was it. I couldn't look away. I couldn't believe this was it I was a dead man. It was 5:30. Rick would be home at 6 expecting dinner. Ohhh no I was gonna get it good tonight.I felt it in my bones. They already ached in anticipation. I was already sore but I knew if he came home to  no dinner  he might just break me. So I tried.
"Its OK I can do this, I got 30 minutes late see how fast I can move."
Calm down xyria I told my self. " Dinner will be served
I busied my hands by taking out some frozen chicken. The kitchen was cold because of the window I never closed but I liked it that way.I welcomed the rain and the breeze they were calming me down little. I quickly added oil to a pan and let it heat up while I chopped some potatoes. I peeled them, washed them and added oil to another pan and awaited for that to heat . It was hard working with only hand and I was losing time. It was already 5 :45 and I could feel my anxiety taking over. I knew, I knew in my gut I couldn't do it.
"Snap the hell out of it, I got this",,"I got this" I whispered to my self.
I dug around the kitchen for the bottle opener reliving this mornings events as I placed it on the table. I grabbed a beer from the fridge as well and placed them side by side on the table.
I could hear the oil heating up so I tossed in some fries. The chicken wouldn't defrost fast enough even after I tossed it in the microwave.it was now 5:50 times was against me like everyone else. so I took a butchers knife and did my best to pull apart the chicken legs. One by one the unfrosted.I quickly whisked an egg in to a bowl and tossed the leg in there and dipped in another flour bowl and placed all 5 pieces in the pan. I have to admit it felt weird with a frozen chicken.While they cooked I strained the fries and placed them in a plate. "I'm gon"I didnt even get to finish that thought as I heard his truck pull up.
"Shit" I cursed. My breathing grew tired and slow. I knew I couldnt leave them in the hot oil in front of him. Not like last time.I prayed to god they were cooked and plated them . I placed them next to his beer. I knew I couldn't water out the oil without the smell again so I stashed both pans in the oven praying if he did find them maybe they would have cooled down. I heard the door unlock and started cleaning off my counter. My breathing rugged and hard.