Licans deal. Her soul to live

darkness

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock running. I made sure to shut it off before Rick heard. Last thing I wanted was for him to have another excuse to get angry. I just lied there in my bed thinking. Never happy thoughts ofcourse. It was a rainy day so the room.was dim although the curtains were opened all the way. Usually however your first thoughts in the morning would be a glimse of your previous dream. A small recollection of what you just experienced. People had dreams of seeing loved ones and spending time with them. Thier fanatasies coming to life. Thier imagination showing them strange things. They had dreams of people who they have lost in past, that they couldnt see again in real life. They had dreams of memories. I wish I only had. At this point i wouldn't care if my dreams were nightmares about killer clowns or wild animals trying to kill me or a never stuck in an never ending maze. A nightmare was suffice just fine for me at least it would be an escape. I'd take anything. Yet, I didnt even get those. Dreams were free anyone in the world could have them right ? so why didnt I get that chance.

Every night after the tears poured on my pillow and breath began to shake I would doze off into nothing. A soundless speecheless nothing.My eyes would close at night and open in the morning with nothing in between. Just darkness. No voices no movement nothing. It was as if I would blink and then wake up. No meaning no purpose so soul. Maybe my mind was too exhausted. Maybe my body couldn't even find peace when I slept. Maybe the only sense of relaxation was just another thing i didnt have.

What would a girl like me dream about anyway right.? Huh i scoffed to myself. Its not like I have someone to join me in these fantasies. I couldn't think of one person. Anyone to dream of.The last time I had a friend was in elementary and maybe all those blows to the head finally did their job cause I can't remember how they even looked. I can't remember what their name were. I couldn't remember much about my interaction with other people. Hell, if you put me in front of someone my age now I couldnt tell you the first thing I would say to them.

Sighing with exaggeration i couldn't think of one reason to get up from this bed. I had no will to move. No will to get up and start the same damn routine. I was drained, I was exhausted and honestly sore. People wake up for a purpose. They have jobs, mine was taking care of Rick, cleaning his house, making sure he was fed. People woke up to see their children or spouses, I would have neither. No one would love a girl who didnt love herself. A girl who didnt want to wake up after she closed her eyes. A girl whose body was covered in scars, bruises and burns. A girl who had been defeated. I couldn't stand how weak I was. How I never defended my self. How fear from him made me what I am. I had accepted defeat and therefore accepted this as my life. I would die trapped alone in the hell with a man that hell didnt want.

I couldn't kill him. I couldn't look at my self now to be able to look at myself after if I had. I wont let him make into a monster. This is the only thing in my life I control is who I am. I want to be someone my mother would be proud of. I often wonder how she feels about me. Is she scared for me? Is she worried about me? Does she agree with what Rick does to me. If mom really loved me wouldn't she have saved me from this. I know she's in heaven but even looking down on me mom can't you see I need you. I pleaded to ny ceiling. Silently crying.Can't you see I have nothing left. Mom please please do something
,I need you. You left me here , you left me here with him.now save me. I begged. Save me please. These thoughts were the only ones I had. Wipeing my face from the tears I didnt even know fell I got up. My morning self pity had gone way past due time. It was already 7:15 and the animal would be awake to feed.

As I got up I inhaled a sharp breath as the soreness from my stomach shot up
"Dammit it" I greeted through clenched teeth. His knee to the stomach last night did it's job.
"Its OK, it will heal in 3 days" I told my self to keep going. Through strained grunts and slow movement I finished making the bed. My room was small but it was my comfort zone. It was my place to think and cry. It wasn't at all much infact it was less than nothing but which of the cards that i was dealt actually was. My small bed with plain green sheets and one thin Grey covered pillow laid in the corner against the wall. One random purple chair was facing the window. That's where I liked to see the rain. It rained about 85 percent of the time where i lived and I loved that. The rain calmed me through panic attacks, through depression through my horrible thoughts. Rain was my comfort, it was my friend in a way. I liked spending time watching it fall. Sometimes I liked to think that when the angels cried it was rain. Mostly when my angel mom cried.that her pain , their pain demanded attention and the world had to feel it.however my pain.. Mine was a secret. Only I would ever know it. There was also small closet consisting of plain clothes . no sizes were actually mine. Just a couple plain tshirts and loose sweat pants. One pair of jeans that i wasn't sure if the style was baggy or they were loose. I have long skirts in black which I never wore. I didnt feel pretty enough to do so. And one black puff jacket that used when I sat next to the only opening window downstairs in the kitchen. I liked the cold. It was real. It was refreshing. Rick got me generic underwear and bras which imnsure he didnt want too. Make up was none existent. I wouldn't even know how to put it on so it's fine. My walls were white and plain. They only life in the room was the old computer that took 10 minutes to start up. I didnt mind though at least he felt education was acceptable.
I walked into the bathroom and stripped slowly and carefully placing my sweats and shirt on the counter as I got into a steamy shower. Nothing feels better on a sore body than a steamy shower. Knowing I couldn't stay for long I enjoyed it as much as I could. I wrapped a towel around my self and left my long wet hair to sprinkle droplets of water on my body. Wiping the mirror with my hand I didnt bother to look at my self. Hating what i would see. I simply started to brush my teeth and gargle it clean. I walked over to my closet and picked out a pair of under wear, black socks, a black bra and a white loose shirt followed by a pair of loose dark green sweats. Say what you will over my clothes but my comfort level was aces.
As I slipped on my under garments I couldn't help my sigh. I had two burn marks on my thigh from boiling oil Rick threw at me when I was already down.
"You think in my house you can disrespect me" he blared next tommy ear before his heavy hand came down with a ringing pain on the side of head.
"Ugh, I meant no disrespect I just wanted to know why I could never leave, why can't I go outside" I pleaded through closed eyes holding the side of my head. I should have known, I should have kept my eyes open. Stupid stupid me. Why weren't my eyes open. Why did I not pay attention. By the time looked up it was too late.he already had the grease filled pain in hand and was pouring the hot oil on to me.
I leaped up screaming" no please please noooo" trying to cool of my thigh by taking off my pants but he held me down.
"Maybe now you will learn respect " he said as I thrashed against his hold . I couldn't think I couldn't focus i just knew I needed to cool this down . by time he let go the pain was unbearable. I was scared to even look down. I clutched my leg and ran to my room stripping as soon as the door closed and lunging towards the bathtub. The pants had burnt threw to my thigh and clung slightly as I Yanked them off. I poured cold water and hissed as the pain still came. I now had two huge red blotches in their first phase of blistering. I tried blowing cold hard laying in the tub to keep it cool but it burned. I felt like my skin I had fire on it under water. I could feel the blisters forming I could feeling the skin that was no longer there. The water was no longer providing comfort.
"You bastard I cried, you bastard for every thing you have done I hope you burn in hell."
Saying these words helped soothe my anger but not the burn. Panting heavily as I got out of the tub with tears plastered on my face. I searched the medicine cabinet for anything. Something, but I knew my burn medicine was gone all I had was a tube of toothpaste . at the time I would have taken any any cream I could get my hands on and i slowly patted dry my burn. Wincing every time it touched the towel. I applied a generous amount almost half the tube of paste on my burning thighs. At first the pain was still there . I just sat there on the counter holding my thigh smelling that minty toothpaste. Trying to calm my breathe. The hiccups usually followed after hard breathing but with in 15 minutes my burning pain had gone down a lot. In fact it was just a dull feeling under the paste. Ugh i gruntrd, slow breath came out i could finally relax ..I waddled over to my bed and carefully placed my thigh on top of the covers. Grateful for tooth paste.
"Mom, if your there and this was you, thank you "
I felt like maybe she had a hand in that. Maybe its silly. Maybe I'm stupid to think that but right now that's all I had.
I didnt know toothpaste worked and I didnt care why it worked, it was everything short of a miracle. And I appreciated it.
Pulling myself out of that memory I pulled on my shirt over the purple bruises and tied up my hair. I glanced at my self in the mirror.
Who was that girl looking at me. I couldnt recognize her. I felt sorry for her. No no it was pity.Pity that's what I felt for her. Sadness. And I couldn't look anymore. I went down to kitchen and started breakfast.
As the bacon splashed in the grease the eggs sizzled in another pan. I placed them both in a plate along with some toast and put them on our shitty little table. It had only two chairs to it and was miracle it was still standing after all his bangs and slams against it. The kitchen was painted a dull green and was fairly small. It had two big windows that ofourse were bolted shut and alramed except the one behind Ricks seat. He had a brain and realized a kitchen needs to be aired out so lucky for me I was always sitting there when he wasn't home. I just had to look past the ugly bars attached to it. To thin for me to even try to slip through. Rick was no idiot just a pig.
I quickly glanced at the clock as I heard his room door open. It was 8 am and I could already smell his cigarette smoke. I ran to the fridge and got a bottle of beer and placed it with an opener on the table. He didnt drink coffee in the morning he liked beer instead. I dashed back and threw the hot oil pan in the sink. I learned my lesson to never keep it on the stove. Unfortunately i was alittle late in doing so, so when the water hit the pan a smell of the fried bacon engulfed the kitchen letting out smoke.
"What the fuk did you do" he shouted walking toward me.
"I'm sorry the oil burned and"
"Open the fukn window, dose the head of yours even work" he said cutting me off. I quickly ran toward the window with him following behind. It was raining and window so the smell would leave soon.
I felt him behind and prayed I didnt get any side comment as I walked back to the sink. I finished doing the dishes as he started eating. I wasn't allowed to leave the kitchen until he did. He said it was disrespectful to leave. Never bite the hand that feeds you he would always said. So I made my usual breakfast while I was there. A cheese sandwich and a glass of milk. I figured the milk could help with vitamins i was missing. I threw up eggs one too many times after some hits to know never to eat those again.
While chewing on my blan sandwhich i heard him speak.
" think fast" those words didnt register until I felt the pain on the side of my cheek. I looked down to see the bottle opener crashing on the floor. The sound alone startling me. That's when I registered what happened. I felt it. I felt my cheek burning wincing as I touched it. I felt the tears come down silently.And I heard his laugh blaring.
"Haaaahahaha , you stupid girl hahahaha he coughed up threw his full mouth. your suppose to catch it" he said in between laughs. As bits of eggs and bacon fell on the table out if his mouth. He KnewI wouldn't catch in time. Just another one of his sick jokes. He was getting such joy over my pain.
I stood there shocked but knew I had to pick it up before he felt the need to yell at me for just staring. Sometimes my body didnt want to move, it just stood there against my will . it would just shut down sometimes, something it had enough. But I cupped my face and grabbed the opener and put it on the counter next to my sand which knowing he would need it again before he left. He lit his countless cigarette back up and walked to the fridge grabbed a beer and opened.
"Shit that could use some ice he said. Pretending to examine my face. Then chuckled so hard i thought he would die. And walked past me. I'll be home at 6 he said as he slammed the door shut. The alarms was being activated and I knew the cameras were back on.
"Ughhhhhhhhh, " the scream came hot and heavy out of my throat. that's all I felt. I felt like tearing a whole through the floor like punching a wall. Like clawing through this world. "Ughhhhh-aaaaaahhhhhh" howling from my chest. I felt the screams coming from my lungs. They were heated and angry and out of control. He set me off. Something snapped in me. Was it his smug smile. His words. Was it it knowing I lost I didnt know but i grabbed the dishes the animal ate in and threw them at the floor. I grabbed the ash tree and threw at the wall with such force it shattered in a hundred pieces. I wanted it to. Wanted to hear it break.I watched as the pieces scattered everywhere as the bits of food swung around the floor. I screamed my heart out as I did. I couldnt stop screaming. Its like i had a lifetime of hate bottled up and it wanted to be realeased. Breathing heavily I smashed the beer bottle on the table not caring it cut me.just enjoying the break the relief i needed and felt. and then i collapsed on the chair. Ears ringing, face stinging I sat and let out my frustration with the world, with him, with myself. I sat their and I calmed my breathing. I sat their and smelt the beer stench on the table. I sat there and smelt the dried cigarettes on the floor. I just sat there I soaked in all that happened. " why me" thats all I could manage.