Poems

I'm so gay

April 25, 2020

There's this girl,
You see
And I love her.
(Well, I know I love her as a friend)
(I've known that for a long time)
Is it romantic love?
I don't know that love
To know that love, I think you have to date someone,
Or kiss someone,
Or maybe even just hold hands with someone,
But I've never had that.
But she makes me think about it
About how it might feel
About how maybe that love is what I feel
When sound of her laugh is making me want to make bad jokes just so I can hear it,
When she smiles, the real smile
Not the one she does for pictures,
But her real smile,
It makes me want to give her any star I can reach
Just to keep it on her face,
When I'm near enough to feel her warmth
Leaving me feeling happy and fuzzy, no matter how bad my day was before.
I think it might be something like that.

But this girl
(This wonderful girl)
Well, she runs from me.
I don't know if she's really running from me
Or from feelings she doesn't understand
Or from what her family thinks of me
But she runs
And when we were younger that's how I lost her
Because I didn't know how to catch her
In fact, I basically ran away from her too
We were both at fault
And it hurt
But we came back
And now she's running again.

I don't know if it's because I'm weak
(My mom says she's my weak spot)
(My mom is right)
But I want to catch her
I dont know why
She hurts me when she runs
Like we're chained together
Every time she goes she rips part of me away
I heal every time
More scars and more tears
I can survive without her,
I know that
But I still want to catch her.

I don't think she understands why I love her
(In whatever way that might be)
(Because I don't know romantic love)
But it's because of who she is
Not the awards she's won
I love her for so many othere reasons
She'll compete with you
But mostly she's trying to beat herself
She'll help you learn and grow
She wants to help everyone learn everything
She doesn't know how to say no to helping with that
And she loves
She hides that she loves,
But you see it in her eyes
In the way she moves,
She loves
And thats why I love her.

Thats why I'd follow her
Why I want to be close to her
Why I'm scared to hug her, worried I'd drown in her warmth
Why it's hard for me not to hold her hand
Why everytime she smiles I want to kiss her
That's why I sleep so well in a bed next to her
Why sometimes while I lie awake,
Because I sleep horribly most nights,
My body physically aches to hold her
Or to be held, it doesnt matter
Why when I'm in horrible pain,
Which is quite often,
The squish of our arms together dulls it to nothing in an instant
So much better than all the medications I'm allergic to
That's why I miss her
Becuase she's running again.

Maybe I'll catch her this time
(I won't, she's really fast)
(And my lungs hate it when I run)
Maybe this will bring her back
(It won't)
(This will scare her away)
Maybe she wants to figure what romantic love is with me
(She's straight)
(Her mom hates me for what I am, even if she wasn't she'd never be able to)
You see,
There's this girl.