I wake up in a small room with barred windows, which to most people would be terribly lacking in amenities but to me is a palace. I have my own toilet for a start which is much preferable to squatting behind the nearest bin. More importantly there’s an actual bed with a mattress as thick as tissue paper, the height of luxury.
I’m just curling back up in the bed when P.C. Penny’s ugly mug appears through a hatch in the door. He doesn’t look overly happy, “It’s about time you woke up. You had us all worried for a minute back there, I thought you’d had a heart attack.”
I recall the incident with the taser and notice how stiff all my muscles feel. I crack my neck and say, “It’s nice to know you care. Any chance you can come back later, I was just about to catch up on my beauty sleep.”
“I’m afraid checkout is at eleven.”
“Are you going to charge me with anything?”
He cracks a smile, “I think Betty has done all the charging that’s required for this particular crime.”
“Very funny. How long have I been in here?”
“It’s morning. You slept for sixteen or seventeen hours. I had to get a nurse to come check on you a couple of times.”
“You couldn’t have gotten her to give me a sponge bath while she was here?” As I say this I notice for the first time that I’m currently wearing an orange jumpsuit, “Wait, what happened to my clothes?”
“They were rather badly soiled. I’m afraid we had to throw them in the incinerator for health and safety reasons. Don’t worry, I’ve rustled up an outfit from lost property.” Another grin. I’m not going to like this. He opens the door and tosses me a bundle of clothes. It’s at this point I remember I was wearing my best work clothes yesterday. It’s a major loss, it took me weeks to find the right combination of clothes before. I suppose I’ll just have to spend some of my hard earned money on a new outfit. I put this thought to the back of my mind, for now I have more immediate wardrobe concerns.
I wait for him to leave before stripping off, I’ve had quite enough embarrassment for one day. At least he’s given me my old shoes back. This is a small victory because I have worn them out in all the right places. When walking is your only mode of transport shoes are the most important item you own.
Things go downhill quickly from there. The trousers he’s provided are several sizes too big. I look like an anorexic clown. The top is a sports vest, and then there’s a tweed jacket straight from a librarian. This outfit does not make me invisible, it makes everyone in a hundred miles notice me and cross the road to avoid me. I feel like an explosion in a laundrette. I’m glad there’s no mirror in here because I’m fairly certain I look like a complete tit. Penny reappears and confirms this by saying, “Very stylish indeed. Now bugger off and make sure I don’t see you around here again.”
He ushers me out of the cell and straight out of the station. Believe it or not I haven’t been here before so it takes me a moment to find my bearings. I’m several miles from home, so I start walking.
As I enter my patch I notice a beggar on a street corner. I’m not normally territorial but he’s got a furry friend who looks familiar. As I get closer Lucky stares back at me, scruffy as ever. I’m sure he’s feeling guilty for being caught cheating on me, but he’s doing a good job of hiding it as the guy feeds him a leftover burger. I walk right up to them both. The guy stares at my bizarre outfit and tries his luck, “Spare some change mister?”
I skip the formalities, “Where’d you get the dog?”
“He’s mine, I raised him from a pup. You can have him for a fiver though.”
YOU ARE READING
Getting Lucky
HumorWhen a homeless man saves a young boy from a savage beating he stumbles upon a life changing discovery. Unfortunately it doesn't change for the better. Now he's up against powerful forces that are trying to make him be something he's not, a decent h...
