ため野矢の: Because of Noya

触れる Touch

Once I stepped onto the court, I of course didn't make it a few feet farther from the black line that enclosed the volleyball playing space.

Every muscle in my body tensed up automatically, leaving me as stiff as the statute of our wig-headed principal in the front of our school. Just as I feared, I was being paralyzed by the utter anxiety and panic to present myself as a player on the court once again.

The negative thoughts and emotions were about to come flooding their way back into my tense mind, making matters even worse.

Thankfully, a ginger-haired savior came to my aid right before that happened.

"N-NAKEMURA-SAN!! GOOD A-AFTERNOON!"

My attention focused on Hinata-kun and Kageyama-kun standing in a respectful position before me. They both looked like they venerated me greatly, which cause my insides to twist and turn in nasty and uncomfortable ways.

I was holding onto the hope that an agonized expression wasn't poking out of my features-even the tiniest bit. I needed to keep the mask I had on for them as tightly possible-it would only be more troublesome for them to see me in my true, current state.

"Good afternoon, Nakemura-senp-"

"Please don't call me that."

I said firmly. Kageyama-kun looked at me with a puzzled expression as I stared at the space in between my two kouhai.

"There's no need for formalities."

I said quietly before turning my back on the two volleyball players.

They never did before, anyway

As I was walking, I had a gut feeling that it wasn't going to end there. I could sense they wouldn't let me drop the subject they were going to present and leave them hanging just like that.

"N-Nakemura-san! I'm sorry! Can we talk for just a bit? Shoyo and I have something we would like to discuss."

"Yeah! Wait up, Nakemura-san."

Kageyama-kun pleaded, taking two long strides towards me to close the space I created. Hinata-kun quickly followed behind his teammate, obviously not wanting to feel disregarded or left out of the situation.

"Look, Kageyama-kun, Hinata-kun."

I said, stopping in my tracks with my back still turned to the boys.
If I was going to say it, then it would have to be like this. There was no possible way I could look them dead in their hopeful and mesmerized eyes without feeling guilt and anguish myself.

"I know where you guys are going with this. Kiyoko-san told me in the locker room."

The two boys then made cliché surprised sounds. I couldn't see their expressions, but I made out an idea of what they would look like if I turned around and saw them for myself.

They shifted uncomfortably, most likely feeling guilty for eavesdropping on their coach's conversation and having to pay this consequence now.

"I'm not upset. In fact, I feel better that at least you guys know. It makes it less difficult for me to have to break it to everyone later on."

I slightly turned my head to cautiously look back at the two through the small opening in the corner of my glasses.
They seemed very relived upon the news, so I was a bit glad that I could continue with them feeling relaxed as of now.

"It's true too. I did play for them- the Queens of the Court. But, the thing is, I......."

My head rotated back to its original position. I curled my hands into a tight ball, my mind swirling with a million thoughts containing the outcome of my next words to them. How was I ever going to go about explaining how much of a failure I was to such people who admired me so greatly at the time?People who had the wrong impression of me-who actually thought I was amazing for once. People who thought I lived up to my name- which was only a horrid lie. Why couldn't I do it?
Why couldn't I tell the truth?