A Time of Love within this Blackened Land

Katie - February 23

Sitting there in my backyard, listening to his singing, my heartbeats seemed louder than ever. So much so that I started worrying he'd be able to hear the thud of my heart giving my feelings away before I even got a chance to confess. Too many Poe stories may have played their part. My cheeks were burning with a mixture of embarrassment and anxiety. All I could think about was that I didn't want him to find out because of my stupid heart; that it would be better if I just plucked up the courage and said it.

So I did.

"I think I'm falling for you."

What?! I mean... WHAT?! Where did the whole 'thinking before speaking' speech go?  The words hung in the air between us for some seconds, almost tangible. I wanted to slap them away before they reached his ears, to make them disappear, to pretend they never existed. I mean... who takes such a big step only to let their foot fall halfway. I think; I think. What the fuck?! Pathetic. If I hadn't already fallen for him I wouldn't have risked saying it. Why am I so scared of what he has to say? Is it because I care about him too much? Maybe it's just that I can't take more heartbreak at this moment. Grandma's illness has consumed most of the air in my chest by now. I fear that more pain could eventually choke me to death.

Well, what happened next is he did break my heart. It didn't kill me, though. I stood up and walked inside as if nothing had happened. I pretended I wasn't expecting him to kiss me tenderly and tell me he felt the same way. I pretended my plans were for him to sleep on the couch all along and in my way to my room I told him where to find the blankets without turning around so he wouldn't notice the tears welling up in my eyes. As I walked upstair I had to stop myself from taking a hand to my face to wipe the tears with my sleeve so he wouldn't notice from behind. I just let the tears roll freely down my face. I kinda like the dramatism of it, the idea of doing nothing against the feeling, even if it was shitty feeling.

I wake up on Saturday feeling better; feeling honest and relieved. If he doesn't feel the same I should just appreciate the fact that he didn't lie out of pity just to make me feel good. When I get downstairs and take a look at the couch, I notice he's not there. I wait some minutes and then look for him around the house. He is nowhere to be seen. It shouldn't be surprising, though, that the guy I intimidated last night took off without notice as soon as he got the chance.

I turn the idea over in my mind for some time before sending him a text. I tell him how sorry I am and ask him if he is okay and has found a place to stay. To my surprise, he answers almost immediately.

There's nothing you should be sorry about. Me, on the other hand... I don't think I'll ever find words to express how sorry I am. Mike is trying to find a ticket home asap, don't worry about me. Sorry again.

So he's sorry? I don't get it. What did he do? Why is he sorry?

I decide that I can't cope with this alone and send an SOS text to the group chat to which Abby replies immediately.

You silly girl. I can't believe you're so smart yet these kind of things fly right over your head. He isn't sorry about anything you said. He is sorry about what he DIDN'T say.

Right after that, I get an incoming call from her.

"Do I need to tell you exactly what it was he couldn't say?" she snaps at me as soon as I pick up.

I hesitate before answering. "But... but how can you be so sure?"

"He was here for a while. Here at Clive's, I mean. He was a mess. He had a beer with us and when he couldn't handle us any longer he left."

"Where did he go?"

"I'm not sure he's still there but he asked Clive how to get to the docks."

"But he hates the docks."

Abby laughs loudly before answering. "I get the feeling that you're not very good at reading what he likes, babes."

I don't say anything. I'm too busy trying to figure out if going there is a good idea or a terrible one.

She goes on. "Seriously, now. He said something along the lines of the docks "having a certain charm to them, I don't know."

At first I don't get it, but then I remember. "Oh, so first he steals my bandana and now my line. That's perfect." And in that moment I decide I have to go.

"What?" says Abby confused.

"N-Nothing. Thanks! I owe you." And I hung up quickly, before she starts getting ideas.

When I get there, he is sitting on the docks alone, guitar in hand, his long hair falling on his bare shoulder a if someone had taken him out of a movie. He has his pick on his lap and I get there just in time to see him take a look at it, pick it off and turn it over in his fingers.

"You planning on flicking that to the water? You'll contaminate it, you fool," I say, startling him out of his trance.

His whole face breaks into a smile. "I'd never. You know that."

I smile back.