Critique Corner

The Heartaches of Yesterday

Title: Heartaches of Yesterday 
By: Jan_Green

Ratings: 8.5/10

[First of all, if you're looking for a sign to continue your wonderful story. This is it, pancit!]

Title

Your title is unique. It gave me that sad and melancholic vibes. Halata naman sigurong sad na sad ang dating title palang. Not so long but not too short.

Book Cover

Ganda ng pagkakagawa ng book cover parang light lang and sakto yung manipulation, hindi overly designed. And kitang kita yung title. One point for this. Ang soothing tignan swear. You have an eye for good book cover. Ini-scan ko other stories mo and ang gaganda talaga ng covers. Sana all!1

Sypnosis

Speechless talaga ako sa synopsis/ description mo but I need to let it out hahahaha.

Pang-hollywood novel yung datingan ng synopsis ang professional ng pagkakagawa. Full of question and nakaka-grasp ng attention as in. And as I read the story mas lalo kong naiintindihan kung ano yung ipinapahiwatig ng synopsis. Good job, super excellent!

Characterization

Celestine's personality and thoughts are really accurate para ma-justify 'yung story. The way you characterize everyone is perfect sa layunin ng story. Over-thinker Celestine, who fights but always doubt. She is in so much fear and pain. Habang nagbabasa ako ramdam ko 'yung bigat. Nasasaktan ako para sa kanya, at naaawa rin sa sarili ko. Why r u like that author? Huhu char.

At first, I really love Elise character, but as the story goes on. Even hindi over-thinker na tulad ni Tine maghihinala sa kanya ng onti eh. Medyo suspicious na 'yung dating niya.

Lalo na si Vince, I can't feel the love and his care towards Celestine. Why is he like that? Is it because he's a man? Char hahaha. Sana mas maging sensitive pa siya. It's not a good act to throw a pillow sa girlfriend mo, tas seryoso pa hindi biruan. Like freak?Pabago-bago rin ng mood minsan caring minsan walang pake. Magkaron ka naman ng pake o kaya makipagbreak. Sorry nadala ng emotion.

Kung sino man yung guy behind the letters, dreams and stalking. Sana hindi lang siya basta kapatid. Char. Anyways, sana makatulong siya sa mental health ni Tine.

Dialogue and Deliberation

Mabigat yung plot ng story. But this is the kind of story na maganda rin mabasa ng marami kasi... It is not fiction, realistically maraming katulad nung character mo mag-isip. Nalulunod sa thoughts and kailangan ng makikinig.

Indeed a wonderful disguise para mapagtuunan ng pansin ang mental health. Thank you for your courage.

Monologue type siya and nag-complement naman sa theme ng story medyo masyadong malalim at magulo lang yung unang part, the prologue, (I mean personally gets ko and maganda but siguro para mas maintindihan ng lahat hindi ganun kalalim yung words since nakakadugo utak char, yung pagdedeliver lang siguro nung unang chapter lang, the one with her dreams) or baka nag-adjust lang ako sa style of writing mo, probably my fault.

But as the story goes on lalo akong humahanga sa'yo author. Ang ganda ng pagkaka-describe mo, napakadetailed and puno ng kalungkutan at pait.

Over all format (Errors and Typos)

You have used Filipino and English well. Kudos sayo rito! Ang smooth tho sometimes, simpler words are better.

Sa totoo lang, minsan hindi ko na napapagtutuunan yung technicalities kasi ang smooth na ng pagkakagawa kaya nakakafocus ako story. That's a good thing para hindi kaming mga reader mo na-ba-bother sa error at focused talaga.

Para ka na kasing professional magsulat lalo na sa synopsis down to chapter three point three. I'm sorry but nag-iba yung dating sa ibang chapters lalo na nung tri-ny mong medyo i-light? Kasi heavy drama na siya nasimulan at super ganda niya sa pagiging heavy drama hehe.

So here's some errors that I have found:

Sa chapter 1.5

May paru-paro ata sa sikmura-ko-but-(not a the romantic way? )

Not in the romantic way ata baka typo hehe, kindly check na lang. Or but not the romantic way is okay too.

Chapter 2

"Hindi lang man ako nakatulog." Baka supposedly, 'hindi man lang ako nakatulog.' You can edit minors flaws though.

Medyo confusing din pag-gamit mo ng "ng and nang". Since pwede naman na 'ng' na ang gamitin mo kahit na action verb but kasiginamit siya as connection ng verb at adjective. So: "Kumuha ng walang paalam."

Di ko na isa-isahin 'yung sa chapter 4 onwards mo since nakalagay naman na unedited pa. So I trust na ikaw na bahala mag-edit dun. Fighting!

Minor plot hole pala sa chapter five point five. I thought siya nagbigay ng bracelet ba't sabi niya bigay sa kanya ni Elise. It was mentioned kasi sa mga naunang chapter na siya nagbigay nung bracelet na may petals. Sorry napapansin ko pati mga maliliit na bagay huhu.

Chapter five point five again is so confusing si Cecilia kausap niya tas biglang "he's my brother" sabi niya. So lahat kami napa-"wait-what?" walang shifting or something. Magulo run promise so please pa-check hehe.

Flaws are normal. Lahat ng writer may mga errors so don't be discourage sa mga errors but do everything to make it more beautiful.

Always proofread before you post your updates.

Additional comments, thoughts and recommendation

I must say na your story has so much potential. The courageous writer palang na nagsulat tungkol sa mental health issue is so much great na, ano pa kaya yung story.

Ang ganda talaga ng pagkakagawa, kaso nung dulo nagkaron ng pagbabago sa style of writing and sa mga scenes and plots but I know you can work that out.

I am not best critique slash writer slash reader out there so may mga hindi pa ako napansin but believe when I say na maganda yung story.

Other than that I must say na you are a good writer. You deserve all the compliments that I can give.

[Sorry for the trouble and istorbo sa time, but If you can make some time, you might want to check out my new story BEHIND THE POLES, Romantic Drama with a glimpes of 1990s vibes. Thank you!]

And wait, please know that you are always loved. I believe kasi somehow na nagrereflect sa emotion ng author 'yung story. So I really hope you're doing okay.

Thoughts about the story:

You have given me an amazing experience. Thank you sa chance na ibinigay mo sa akin para ma-discover ang story and thoughts ni Celestine.

Ibang iba, ramdam na ramdam ko yung emosyon niya eh. Ang sakit. Sana someday mahanap niya yung contentment and real happiness na kailangan niya.

Sana maging okay sila ni Cleo at mama niya.

Sana sincere si Vince sa kanya. At sana mag-stay hanggang dulo si Elise.

Puro ako sana because I really hope for the best sa buhay ni Celestine. Feeling ko na-attach ako sa kanilang lahat. Kay Celestine at Cecilia lang pala haha.

Keep writing!

There's always room for improvement. So keep expressing your heart out through writing. Thanks for sharing your story!